That kind of friend

Did you ever have one of those friends that only wanted to chat with you when things were going well in their lives? You heard all about the new car, the kid on honor roll, when they were ready for a night out at the club in their new outfit, or whatever it might have been for them? And yet - then went radio silent for weeks or months at a time and then you later find out that the car got repossessed or the kid was in a fight at school, or they got a DUI? Well, in my own way, it appears that I've been one of those friends. If I couldn't say something nice, I guess I wouldn't say anything at all. It's been a long time. I took a moment to look back and after starting this in 2007, I posted pretty consistently (here and there) until January 2010. There were two vaguely contemplated posts in 2012, but pretty much it's been 7 years. It wasn't the 7 year itch that brought me back though - it was the 7 year fat. I'm keeping this short because...it would be far too easy to write a mini-essay on the wrong directions taken in the past that have led me to where I am today. So here's the skinny. Or not so skinny... a) My weight is higher than when I started this blog 10 years ago. b) We're back to throwing away more fresh fruit/vegetables than we're eating. So I've largely stopped buying them. c) I've gone from being the "Recycling Nazi", where no one would dare put the wrong thing in the trash vs. recycling can to someone who practically gets scolded when I take empty water bottles out of the trash to put into the recycle bin. d) Tonight, The Wife and I are going to join a gym. Having this blog as an outlet really helped me long ago. Rather that abandon it all and start something new, I will admit to all the skeletons in my closet and the missed opportunities. I know blogs aren't "cool" anymore for many folks, but ya know what, I never said I wanted to be cool. Just healthy. Let's go.

13 weeks

Thirteen weeks. I am firmly aware of the fact that it is not a long time.

So since the realization that I needed to get my act together I've been doing a decent job of keeping up the diet but I've only exercised one day. I'll need to crank that up more as this goes along, but for now I'm not too worried.

In less than a week I have gone from 217 to 213.8 it's not a lot but I appreciate it. Almost a larger accomplishment is getting The Wife to go along for the ride. She knows she needs to do better, and I don't make her stick to the same kind of portion control even though I do make it clear what the portion is.... On the end a person has to do it because they want to - not because they are pushed into it.

So, good first steps. Decent first week. 13 to go.

14 weeks

Remember that scene in "When Harry met Sally"? Sally sat on the edge of her bed and wailed, "And I'm going to be fourth!

Harry said, surprised and sympathetically, "When?"

And as Sally's cries come to a cresheno she yells, "SOMEDAY!"

When I saw that so many years ago it was funny and I felt some sort of sympathy for the idea that as women we all get older and that she was feeling that feeling that all of us feel now and then - "How is it that I am at this point in my life and THIS is all I've done?". The plans we made, the goals we had, all the things we were going to accomplish somehow don't happen quite the way we planned.

Now, I see that in a whole now way. Why, you may ask?

Because in 14 weeks, I will be 40.

This is not what I pictured. It's not what I pictured at all.

Even a few years ago. I thought I was on a path to be in a better place by now. I was eating healthy, losing weight and doing it the right way. I knew there would be struggles, but I knew I would make it. But instead, I fell back into bad habits. I became comfortable. I made excuses to myself, and part of me believed them.

I don't want to be fat when I'm forty. I know I will never be model thin. I know I wont look the way I did in high school. But if I can hold myself to healthy habits for the next 14 weeks I might at least get back to where I was a few years ago. And while last time my goals were bigger, today I just look forward to seeing 190 on the scale again.

The scale currently says 217. I am not happy.

Today was when I realized it was just 14 weeks away. Within 5 minutes, after the shock wore off, I had pulled up Daily Plate and I started tracking my calories. Then when I came home I did 30 minutes on the treadmill, and then made a uber-healthy chicken salad for dinner.

One day down, 14 weeks to go.

Bad decisions and good reflections

Today, after eating my bowl of cereal for breakfast and a Starbucks Red Velvet Cupcake for lunch, I decided to get on the scale before I got in the shower. I'm not sure if what I saw was a greater surprise, or if I should be more surprised that less than 5 minutes after eating a cupcake my sick sense of internal humor said "huh, I wonder what you weigh now?".

It was 199.2. While there was a time not so horribly long ago that number would have been cringe inspiring, not so much any more. Now - I was not so secretly excited at seeing a "1" at the beginning of the number.

Then, while driving to work I ate a handful of Cheetos. Dinner was a safe frozen choice - but of course that was followed up by a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and a small Almond Joy around 1:30am as I was starting to get hungry while I finished checking off time sheets at work. Then when I got home at almost 3am, I was so hungry I heated up some sloppy joe leftovers to make a sandwich.

I HAVE to start tracking my food again somehow. Not sure how and when and where in the world I'm going to scrape up that last bit of determination to do it consistently - but if I was tracking there's no way I would have made most of those decisions. I would have instead been driven to do more in hopes of seeing further decreases on the scale. Now, it's all about what's easy and convenient.

I feel like I'm getting closer but I'm just not quite there yet. Like I'm waiting for some kind of push. Or sign.

Funny, as I typed that line something hit me. Some of my favorite lines in a song are by Steven Curtis Chapman and they all but screamed out at me so I must be "supposed" to share them here.

"You're waiting for lighting.
A sign that it's time for a change.
You're listening for thunder
while He quietly whispers your name."

Hmmm... maybe I have been doing that after all. Listening for the thunder. Waiting for the neon flashing sign. But I'm so busy waiting for the big one, I'm missing all the small ones.

More to think about as I head off to sleep my funny little sleep schedule. Time to dream about healthy decisions!

Being Zen and finding The Path

Today was my first day at my new job. My new full time job. I've had 3 shifts at my new part time job. Thursday will be my first day to do them both. To some folks that could sound stressful. But me, well..., I feel peaceful. Happy. Blessed.

I put up my Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. I finished putting on the lights the next night when I came home from an 8 hour day at the part time gig. Here it is Monday night and I haven't put up a single ornament, yet I get so much joy out of just seeing it all lit up in the living room when I pass it by. I've pulled the box of ornaments out of the garage and figure I'll get that done this week. It might annoy The Girlfriend a bit that it takes me so long, we have a long history of bitter battles over Christmas as I'm a Christmas adoring over-doer and she's a "Do we really need to celebrate?" kind of gal. And yet I feel like we'll be ok this year. She even helped me put the bows on the pillars outside our house and the wreath on the front door.

My last time on the scale showed movement in the wrong direction. We're still having Thanksgiving dinner leftovers every night - and likely will through the end of the week so I know that's not likely to change any time soon. And yet even this I have a sense of peace about. This is a step. This is just a part of the path. Sure, I'd hoped for a smoother one, but I'm the one who chose to stray from the original plan. I'm the one who stopped thinking about my food, thinking about every little step. I thought I just needed a break. I've learned that is just another excuse the mind creates. But, I feel like I'm almost to the spot where I'll see some light in front of it all. It's my job now to decide how badly I want to find that original path. It will be different now, but at least I'll know which way I'm headed. Not thinking about food is like not thinking about where you're going when walking in the woods. Do it for too long, and soon you'll realize that you have no idea where you are, how you got there, or how to get back. I am going to pick a direction and be aware of every step. Sure, I might take a step or two off the path to smell a particularly beautiful flower (Or small piece of chocolate cake) but I can never forget that I'm on a path and I need to step right back on it when I'm done.

When Thanksgiving leftovers are gone and I start getting a pay check again, it will be time to get out that compass and find that path.

Tummy full of hope

I feel like crap.

Wait. Better yet, I feel like fat crap. Blech.

I've been over the 200 mark for about a month now. Very not happy about it, but honestly not doing too much about it. I've been keeping semi-active doing stuff around the house, but with the exception of one good Wii Fit session, I haven't been trying to work out. I also haven't been working to eat healthy. I've been working to eat cheap - and I have to say I'm doing a pretty good frickin' job of it! I haven't had a job for almost 6 months now and the pantry is still well stocked.

Gotta tell you, I know that I've heard a million times about how it's possible to eat healthy for cheap and I don't doubt that it's possible. It's just not an area where I'm really confident. But I know how to make a casserole, pasta or rice stretch out a dish. And I've been flexing the heck out of my "how to make one night's leftovers into 2 different meals" muscle. The Girlfriend has been impressed. Unfortunately Mr. Scale is less than impressed.

Well, I have a full time and part time job offer that both start next week. While this will be quite the pay cut from what I've been accustomed to, it will mean that I can slowly start phasing out the high carb, high sodium, high calorie meals we've been eating once those checks start coming in next month. And with all my work running around - including a retail position where I"ll be on my feet all the time - hopefully I'll start burning off some of this evil pudge.

My mini goal is to be back in the 190's before the end of the year. Mind you, right now that would only be about 5 lbs, but since I won't get "buy healthy food" money for another month or so, I want to make sure it's a realistic goal. Merry Christmas to me!

It all comes out in the end

Not having a job sucks.

Sure, it would be nice to not have a job because I'd recently won the lottery or found out that a mysterious rich uncle left me everything in his will or in some other ridiculous and miraculous way I became independently wealthy. Because of course that would be awesome. But no, this whole none of the income (except the $240/wk from unemployment which is close to nothing, and yet greatly appreciated) all of the bills and twice the guilt thing really sucks.

I'd been putting off a big shopping trip for some time as I was hoping to hear back on a job I interviewed for and a "maybe" contract gig. I figured if I got one of those it would be back to healthy foods and I might even splurge on a few extra organic veggies. Instead I was given a no on the job and a "it's all a waiting game" response from the folks in charge of the hopeful contract gig. So it became cheap food. Now I know that theoretically one can be healthy and be reasonably cheap, but since most of my meals are cooking for two, and ONE of us must have meat with every meal, wont eat eggs, beans or too many veggies it becomes a bit more difficult.

While there were many losses (A great price + Coupon on both frozen pizzas and taquitos) there were a few unexpected wins. My favorite was the toilet paper.

The reason the Toilet paper became the biggest win is because we're on roll #4, and I haven't gotten a complaint yet. And it's recycled. Last time I bought a 4 pack of a particular brand (cough...Nature's brand...cough), I was promptly told to never bring that sorry excuse for toilet paper back into the house. She was a Charmin girl and wanted to stay that way. Let me be honest - this new stuff is NO Charmin. There is a difference by a fair amount. But it's really not too bad. It's like I bought the cheap stuff vs. a name brand. But when using it one doesn't immediately know "hey, this is a green product, right?" which is a good thing. It's also good for keeping my household happy as I didn't just buy a 4 pack, I bought a 24 pack at Costco - quite the gamble.

It's called Earth First Bath Tissue. 100% recycled, 80% Post consumer and whitened without chlorine according to the package. And another cool thing about the package, it says that the plastic wrap holding it all together is "environmentally responsible" because it says "This plastic wrap has a predetermined life span and will expire in 18 months after manufactured date." And the cherry on top of this green TP sundae - it was the same price as the Costco brand (Kirkland) tissue paper so it also made it a good price!

I'm still without job. I'm still trying to straddle healthy and convenient. But I have found my new, greener, toilet paper. A happier, healthier step.

Super Salty

Forgive me blog for I have sinned. It has been far too long since my last confession.

I have been eating cheap instead of healthy. I have been eating low-stress/comfort foods instead of thinking about my food choices. I have been going back to NOT thinking about what I'm eating when it is more important than ever to think about what I eat.

Yesterday I had a good bowl of cereal to start the day, but lunch was a BBQ beef sandwich, potato salad and macaroni and cheese at some cheap BBQ spot, then we went to the movies and had popcorn and icees. Then dinner became Taco Bell, my drive through comfort food of choice, where I ordered poorly and ate it all. Worst of it all, in that whole day I had one bottle of water. One. I tried to correct it once we got home and had a 2 glasses of water - but it was too little too late. I felt the salt rising to the surface as I went to sleep. I woke up this morning feeling that if someone were to lick my arm they could taste the salt just seeping out.

It's before 9am and I'm working on my second glass of water. That was so gross, and I can't let it happen again. I got on the scale and I was at the 200 mark. Blech! I am going to work to flush some of those pounds, hoping that several of them are salt, in the next few days. I know that I can't eat with the same "I don't care what it costs, I have to eat healthy" mantra I had before, but I do need to ensure I'm making the best possible choices when I am able to choose.

I had lots of fun yesterday, but today I just feel gross. I need to remember that.

Bad food + No water = Super Blech.

Mental note.

My button is stuck

It has been too long my friend. I think of you often. But while the thought means something with gifts but nothing with blogs. I'd hit that point in life where the words of my grandmother came back to me - "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

I knew I wanted to post something, but decided to read through old posts for some inspiration. Some reflection of where I was, similar struggles I'd had in the past - that sort of thing. Something to help me put words on where I was right now. Suddenly - there it was. It wasn't a post - it was actually a draft. Something that somehow never got posted. This was written 10/26/8 and when I read it, I felt I could have just written it. With just one exception - I've been laid off again. So, not only am I on "Pause" as I mention below, someone just hit "stop" on my finances. (And isn't this just the perfect time to go looking for a job?) Still, the words below are quite timely...

I think somehow, somewhere someone hit the pause button on my life. Of course, life doesn't actually pause. That would be too easy. And we would notice much faster. But I've been noticing it this week and need to figure out how to get it "un-stuck".

My social life is on pause. I feel like I plan on so many things, but then do so little of it.

My weight is on pause. I suppose I should be happy its not on rewind. And it's nice that I have clothes that fit for these dang business trips - but still, I'd rather be losing weight.

My green-ing of my life has been put on pause in a bad way. Tons of flights, bottled water because you can't take a refillable bottle to the airport and gas driving to and from work each day - almost an hour each direction.

I work, I come home, Watch some TV, work some more, go to sleep, repeat.

I think I'm canceling my gym membership because we haven't gone in months. Well, I went once right before I got this job and I really hoped to make that a habit. But that was the only time either of us have gone in 5 months or so. Wasted cash. Then again, if we cancel I'll feel like I'm giving up on one of my goals. Its tough. That one I've put on pause. Easier to avoid than to have to make a decision.

I need to find my un-pause button. Or play. Heck, a little fast forward wouldn't even hurt. Who has my life's TIVO remote?

Crap, its probably me.

Feeling good and then...

Today I hit 197.3. Feeling back on track, eating right and tracking my calories daily.

Today, I was told I'm going back to the Philippines in a few weeks.

I've been telling myself that "next time" I went back it would be different. I'd find a way to be healthy in my food choices. I'd find time to work out in the hotel gyms to make up for the food choices where I had less control. I'd eat more fruit, and less chocolate croissants. [oh heavens...how I love their chocolate croissants...] I'd try to track my calories even with food I had no idea what is was called or what was in it. I'd do my best to find a way.

Now, that time has come. I feel like it's too soon. I'm not really feeling strong about it yet. But - I don't have an option about where I go - only what I eat. I leave the weekend after Easter.

I have few weeks to come up with a plan and find the strength to stick to it.

Crap.

Best ate plans....

If making plans counted, we'd all be thin, fit, rich and have a ton of friends. But let's be honest. They don't.

It's not the thought that counts - it's the gift. Thoughts are extra credit, but only as a percentage of the coolness of the gift itself.

But back to those plans. I had plans. They were good plans. My plan was to have a picnic on the weekend with healthy food and tons of outdoor games, then we'd walk around the whole park and burn off some extra calories. I made the picnic "BYOS" - bring your own sandwich, and we just brought some extra chips and drinks. But then we figured we'd also get a small thing of cookies because there might be kids there. Then we brought fruit for us.

Then we get there and I find out that other folks brought bacon ranch pasta salad, deviled eggs and chicken wings. And by "other folks" I mean The Girlfriend's Aunt. She knows I love deviled eggs. And you know you can't let them just go bad sittng outside... So I had 3ish. And had to at least try a wing. But the the worst thing was how many of these things made it home with us. So we snacked for the rest of the weekend. Never a ton. Just pretty regular snacking.

So after a pretty decent week where I'd seen 197, by Monday morning I was 200 again. Crap. Nice plans, right?

Well, THIS week I'm going to make them happen. We really liked hanging at the park w/ friends. Free and entertaining. Makes you get up and move, even if it was just for the high energy game of croquet. I still moved more than when watching TV. So this week I'm making fruit salad. I'm sticking to only eat what I bring - and the portions I agree on in advance. This time I am going to have the fun without the temptation. And... I'm going to have a talk with The Aunt.

Promise to make this weekend better than the last. Looking forward to my first full healthy week in a long time.

Leaping back, crawling forward

2.5 Weeks traveling in a foreign country known for a love of fried foods and pork + Period = 202.4

UGH!

Want to die. Too many of my clothes just don't fit the way they did. I just feeeeeeeel fat.

Amazing what 10 lbs can do! I felt darn near skinny at 192. But now it's more like fat-fat the water rat. (Does anyone else remember Ritchie Cunningham calling his wife that?) I've been working there 6 months and have basically gained 10 lbs back. That is NOT good!

I'm back at work in the states now but working extra hard to not over work. (Working hard to not over work? Logic that only an over worker can understand...) Making myself come home at a semi-decent hour even if I'm just jumping back online shortly thereafter. The Girlfriend is saying that it's 100% healthy from here on out and is promising to do better with what she cooks as she knows I don't have the time to do the "healthy cooking" anymore after we go shopping this weekend. Fingers crossed. Dinner last night was basically nachos (She calls it Taco Salad, but there are no vegetables...) and lunch today was chocolate cake from a work birthday. I gave in because a) It was chocolate raspberry cake from AJ's and b) I was out of frozen lunches and the cake looked better than the can of soup. It has to go uphill from there, right?

The goal by end of weekend is to buy good healthy food and do at least one active thing. As I used to say when starting this whole thing off - baby steps.

Why is it the steps backward seem so much larger than the steps forward? Oh well. It all starts with the first steps...

2008: A Retrospective

Another year gone. A few less pounds. A few more gray hairs.

The years go faster and faster and faster. Mama didn't lie about that!

Decided to look back at the year. Let's see what I've done. The good, the bad, the ugly. Then, what I'm hoping to see out of this year.

Weight: 2008
January 1st, 2008 I was 208 lbs. I can't tell you what my weight was on the last day of the year because my scale is acting funny. Cheap scales break. Expensive scales "act funny". I'm hoping to sort it out by this weekend, but last time I checked, which was just a few days before, I was at 193.6. While I'm happy that all this time of not tracking food, not exercising etc has not led to a massive weight gain, looking back to see that in all this time I lost a total of less than 15 lbs this year is pretty scary. And just to make it worse, in April I was down to 190. Of course, August was back to 198. Dang those same 10 lbs I keep losing and gaining for the last 9 months!

Weight: Outlook 2009
I'm have a semi stable job now that, while I need to travel now and then, should allow me to work on better eating habits. The Girlfriend swears she's going to start being healthier this year. Where are we now? House full of sweets from the holiday party. I'm working through them as fast as I can. :) Not exactly moving toward my goal, but I can't throw away yummy food. Just can't do it. Not yet. Do I have a goal here? It's tough. My next bit point is to be a 14/16. That's "normal girl" sized. I dreamed of being a 16 by Christmas, but didn't put in the effort. I promise to put in effort this year. Let's say the dream is to be a 14/16 by my birthday. [Special note here, I'm been saying for awhile now that I want to give my hair to locks of love once my face gets small enough to try short hair. I've been saying I want to give it away next summer for awhile now. I think at 14/16 I can get away w/ short hair. :) ]

Active Lifestyle: 2008
My gym membership should count as a charitable contribution because I never ever go. I've almost canceled it I can't say how many times but I keep hoping that something will change and I'll be able to go again. No such luck. We haven't walked around the neighborhood or the awesome park, and we haven't ridden our bikes in so long I think they both need new tires. I have gotten her to take me dancing a bit more often - but does 6 times a year really count?

Active Lifestyle: Outlook 2009
We got a Wii for Christmas. It's been used quite a few times. Standing up to do anything is better than just sitting there like a lump watching TV. And I'm planning to buy the Wii Fit by Spring (Maybe I can make that a "reward" for doing good w/ healthy eating?) so we can start doing at home simple work. Even if it only gets used on the weekends, it would be a great improvement over what we do now. I still think I might cancel the gym membership. I'm giving myself until February to decide for sure. I want to find at least one other way to bring fitness into our lives without the gym. It would be great if we brought back the bikes (and really used them)or found something else that makes us happy so we do it regularly without feeling like it's a forced work out.

Eco Living: 2008
I put it in the backseat to focus on weight. That wasn't an awful decision, but it's been tough. I'm still the recycle nazi to my friends, but as I've admitted, in times of stress or pure exhaustion even I have slipped. I've traveled a ton with my millions of jobs this year and I've done nothing to off-set it. (I'm also not getting enough miles to on a consistent airline to add up to anything good!!) We still use paper and plastic at our holiday gatherings when I'd really wanted to go with "real plates" to ensure that it was more eco friendly. I still absolutely suck at unplugging things I know I should - like cell phone chargers - when not in use. I didn't have enough time to do much in the way of eco shopping (Farmers markets, local produce, local/sustainable housewares and presents) where I stayed in the super-grocery-marts and Targets of the world because I had no time to drive extra or only buy veggies on a Saturday morning between 8 and 10am. I still have the same car that still gets not enough MPG and I still drive it an hour each day, each way.

Eco Living: Outlook 2009
I worked from home more than usual for the holiday. Woman coming back from maternity leave has already said that she WILL work from home regularly. If I could get them to do work from home 2x a month - that would be AWESOME! Also, I live right down the street from someone who works at the same office. (Insane, but true) and we've both been so busy there was no such thing as a "normal" schedule to figure out carpooling. Once I am sharing the workload, I think I can actually carpool. I know there will be some times we can't do it, but even bringing it down 2x a week would make an awesome dent in my gas bills. If I can do it more than that???? Heaven! and that car that I'll be driving was just paid off so I'll be able to make a financially healthy choice to use that extra cash for the insane credit card debt caused by the same car earlier this year! I want to find more locally owned spots that sell more locally made things. I heard about a butcher that sells the pork it raises organically that's only like 15 min from my house - but of course they have limited hours which means I've not made it there. That needs to change this year - I need to make it a goal.

Healthy mind/spirit: 2008
Really enjoyed going to church at the beginning of the year, but as jobs changed and stress raised, I went less often by the end of the year. Almost the only quiet reflective time I found for myself was when traveling. Staring out at the clouds on one quiet trip, I even wrote a poem. Haven't done that in a few years. On another I pulled out 3 poems and 2 songs (sang to myself in the car, and couldn't remember them by the time I could pull over, but they gave me hours of enjoyment in the car). This was a great reminder to me of how important it is to find those times. The no-tv, no one else needs anything but you kind of quiet times. It was also a big reminder that I have to make those moments happen - they won't always just happen on their own.

Healthy mind/spirit: Outlook 2009
Church makes me happy to go, so I need to get back in the habit. I also need to find time for things that make me happy. Reading a book. Blogging. A good coffeehouse with amazing coffee and cool poetry readings. (OK, wishing a bit too far out on that one I'm sure...) Something that makes that little quiet part of you deep deep inside sit back, close it's eyes and exhale deeply. And how important it is to give that same little part of you something that is all about fun - like karaoke or air hockey or singing loudly with a friend to bad 80's music in the car. Work life balance is important, and if I keep working 18 hours a day I'll never find it. I have to work to keep the job, while keeping some level of balance. This may be the hardest thing I try to do all year - but without that, nothing else here will have the time to happen.

Goodbye 2008. You showed me that even in some crazy crazy times, even if I can't always be moving forward I can make sure I don't take a serious step back. Here's looking forward to 2009!

She's got a ticket to ride

...and she don't care.

The ticket was for the roller coaster of life, with it's ups and downs, twists, turns and loop-de-loops. I got the ticket. I am riding the train. Sure parts are exciting, but it doesn't take long before she just don't care. She'd like to care, but she's just too dang tired!

You have to pick your battles. I've always said I live by that. Sometimes they battles change from day to day or even hour to hour. Since accepting the new job my goal is keeping the job. They know I'm overworked. They say help is on the way. The Girlfriend is starting to refer to me as her Roomie as she doesn't see me enough to be anything beyond that. She calls the office "My other house". At work there is only work. There is no personal email so I get no daily Ideal Bites. No mental breaks surfing for things on etsy or researching awesome charities like ___ to use as gifts this holiday season. No, there is practically no personal Internet access. And even if there was, heavens knows there isn't the time. The last few days I've started my first call at 6:30am and I'm not leaving the office to come home until 10pm.

I could be frustrated. I could get angry. I could cry (if I was that kind of girl). I could do many emotional things. But I don't. I just don't have the time.

I also don't have the time to track my calories, make fresh food for dinner each night, go shopping for healthy food, and I certainly don't have time to go to the gym or even walk around the neighborhood. I've also found myself slacking off on even the simplest of things. I'm burning though plastic flatware at work because I don't have time to wash and re-use. And hard as this is to admit, I have had a few days where I'm too tired to clean a container that needs to be recycled, so it goes in the garbage.

Guess who's gone back to eating out/picking up/driving through far too often? Far, far too often. I have complained how healthy food costs so much, but I have to say going out to eat this often is more expensive that I'd remembered.

I gained weight again - going back to the higher 190's. But I caught and corrected myself. I make sure my lunch (and often dinner) options, while frozen, are healthier. I try to keep a few pieces of fruit at my desk at all times. I upgraded to a larger water cup so there will be less times without water. I'm bringing the number back down, but I won't make my goal of being a size lower by the end of the year. But I MIGHT still be able to make my goal of being in the 180's. 189 totally counts.

I'm exhausted every day, but I haven't forgotten the joy of seeing a lower number on the scale. And I haven't given up on making a dent in my ecological footprint. I've just had to pick my battles. Right now my battle is making everyone NOT see quite how exhausted I am as I move from day to day. And drinking more water. That's about it. And that - is good enough.

Happy not-so-healthy birthday to me!

Today I made plans for my birthday. The plans involve pizza and cake. None of these things will be the "healthy versions". I may give in to some non-diet soda as well because something about pizza + bowling alley = either Root Beer or Cherry Coke, and these things rarely come in diet at a bowling alley.

Not quite healthy.

Today I planned to do an early dinner so we could FINALLY make it out to the gym. It's only been 3-4 months. Insane. I'm paying a whole lot for the pleasure of holding a card in my pocket. So we made plans to go. And what happened? She was tired. I was swamped with work. Excuses given, gym excused. So what did we do after dinner? Watch tv and share some ice cream. It felt awesome at the time. Some nice cozy at home time. Then I realize I have to be asleep in 90 minutes, still haven't done most of the work that was my reason for staying home in the first place and now I have to stay up to do it all which means I'm getting less sleep. More stress. Less sleep. Less exercise.

Not healthy at all.

While I'm not gaining weight, I'm not losing anything either. I tried using TDP the other day and it lasted 2 days. I'm just SO busy in the new job that I don't feel like I have the time. It requires planning to eat healthy. Who has time for planning?

Sigh... I need to. The Girlfriend said she really wants to get the house healthy again. She wants me to start eating healthy again because she knows how much I enjoyed it (most of the time) and how it made me feel good about myself. Right now I feel fat - super fat. When so much of this process is mental - it's a sad fact that I am already feeling a bit defeated when in actuality I've been decently successful prior to the new job.

I need to find that thing. That motivator. That kick in the pants.

But first, I'm eating my frickin' birthday cake.