I once thought the biological clock was absolutely the loudest one around. I have discovered that there is a louder internal clock. The "Did I get a job that will let me telecommute?" internal clock.
I called my house 4 times today to check messages. I actually logged into my email once today to see if they sent anything over. Logged into email at work!!!! Can you imagine???
The day was a blur. All I remember is "Did they call yet?" and "Do you think they've called yet?" followed, once I found out they hadn't called, by "When do I think they'll call?". I was a mess.
But a happy mess. I think I did well in the interviews. The last person I met with said I'd impressed the other folks who met with me. In fact, he said I dazzled them. We'll see. Did I impress them enough for me to telecommute? That's what it's all about. I left there with a feeling that if I was local, the job could have been mine. But as I have no interest in moving to Ohio any time soon, and The Girlfriend has made it clear that she has NO interest in returning to Ohio EVER - I think we'll just have to see if they were willing to take me from here.
Deep breath. One more. Maybe one more. Repeat. After several more sets of the same I start to chill just a bit. In with the good air, out with the stressed air.
Whoooooooooooooooooo......
Monday, March 31, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
This morning I got up, went to the airport and got on a plane. I'm in Ohio right now. Flight was good. (Thanks for asking) But this post isn't just about the destination - it's about the journey.
So as you'll remember, I was out of work about a while ago. Got a new job about a month ago and while I can make it work out just fine - it's not my dream job and I'm not their dream employee. We both know it, and we went into the relationship with open eyes. About a week ago I got an email from a friend about a job she thought I might like. Doing something I've done before - something I know how to do pretty darn well. She thinks it might be a good match. But how would I feel about telecommuting?
How would I feel? How would I feel??? I'd be pretty darn out of my mind excited. Healthy food choices. Ability to do a few things around the house during "lunch". Easier access to the gym. And let's talk about the money I'd be saving on gas - which is getting more expensive every day. Yea - I think I'm ok with telecommuting.
So after a phone interview with the company they decide to fly me out for an interview. I've never been flown anywhere for an interview before and feels like such a compliment. They could be flying out 20 people, but I'm still taking it as a compliment.
I'm feeling a bit more confident in my newer slimmer self so I'm less scared about the face to face. I like my new size 18 suits. Interesting observation - I was able to pack everything I needed in just my overnight bag and my regular purse. Including a thick trench coat (that I bought big from the thrift store when I was a size 9 and just realized I can finally button it up again...), 3 pairs of shoes and my suit. I've tried to do that before and it never worked. Never. I have decided it fits better because the clothes are smaller. Might not be true, but it certainly made me feel better.
Then, when picking out my "wear to the air port and get picked up by an employee of the company" outfit, found one that was fun, modern and professional. I looked semi-hot. Well, maybe a bit more than semi-hot as I was getting several of "those" looks today. The guy who normally yells at folks to put their shoes in the basket was complimenting me on my shoes and calling me sweetie - while giving me one of "those" smiles. I almost forgot how much I missed things like that.
Then, when finally on the plane - I fit in the chair without touching the guy next to me. Sure, our elbows touched now and then, but my thigh stayed on its own cushion. My butt didn't push at the arm rests the way it used to do. Wearing a shirt that was pretty fitted around the waist, some "hugs the curves" jeans and high heels - I was actually comfortable on the plane. Really comfortable. Not just kinda comfortable. Completely.
Tonight I had my first contact with folks from the company. Not once in any of those conversations did my mind drift to the fact that I was too fat for the job, or that I would be judged by my weight. These are things that used to haunt me all the time - especially in situations like this where you KNOW the person is looking for faults.
In no way am I thin. Not even close. But what a difference 40 lbs makes.
Tomorrow is the big interview day - from 10:30am until 4:30pm. I'm going to be judged, poked and prodded. Luckily, there's 40 lbs less to judge, 40 lbs less to poke and prod. And if they like what they see - Mama gets to telecommute. Oh yea baby.
Fingers crossed...
So as you'll remember, I was out of work about a while ago. Got a new job about a month ago and while I can make it work out just fine - it's not my dream job and I'm not their dream employee. We both know it, and we went into the relationship with open eyes. About a week ago I got an email from a friend about a job she thought I might like. Doing something I've done before - something I know how to do pretty darn well. She thinks it might be a good match. But how would I feel about telecommuting?
How would I feel? How would I feel??? I'd be pretty darn out of my mind excited. Healthy food choices. Ability to do a few things around the house during "lunch". Easier access to the gym. And let's talk about the money I'd be saving on gas - which is getting more expensive every day. Yea - I think I'm ok with telecommuting.
So after a phone interview with the company they decide to fly me out for an interview. I've never been flown anywhere for an interview before and feels like such a compliment. They could be flying out 20 people, but I'm still taking it as a compliment.
I'm feeling a bit more confident in my newer slimmer self so I'm less scared about the face to face. I like my new size 18 suits. Interesting observation - I was able to pack everything I needed in just my overnight bag and my regular purse. Including a thick trench coat (that I bought big from the thrift store when I was a size 9 and just realized I can finally button it up again...), 3 pairs of shoes and my suit. I've tried to do that before and it never worked. Never. I have decided it fits better because the clothes are smaller. Might not be true, but it certainly made me feel better.
Then, when picking out my "wear to the air port and get picked up by an employee of the company" outfit, found one that was fun, modern and professional. I looked semi-hot. Well, maybe a bit more than semi-hot as I was getting several of "those" looks today. The guy who normally yells at folks to put their shoes in the basket was complimenting me on my shoes and calling me sweetie - while giving me one of "those" smiles. I almost forgot how much I missed things like that.
Then, when finally on the plane - I fit in the chair without touching the guy next to me. Sure, our elbows touched now and then, but my thigh stayed on its own cushion. My butt didn't push at the arm rests the way it used to do. Wearing a shirt that was pretty fitted around the waist, some "hugs the curves" jeans and high heels - I was actually comfortable on the plane. Really comfortable. Not just kinda comfortable. Completely.
Tonight I had my first contact with folks from the company. Not once in any of those conversations did my mind drift to the fact that I was too fat for the job, or that I would be judged by my weight. These are things that used to haunt me all the time - especially in situations like this where you KNOW the person is looking for faults.
In no way am I thin. Not even close. But what a difference 40 lbs makes.
Tomorrow is the big interview day - from 10:30am until 4:30pm. I'm going to be judged, poked and prodded. Luckily, there's 40 lbs less to judge, 40 lbs less to poke and prod. And if they like what they see - Mama gets to telecommute. Oh yea baby.
Fingers crossed...
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I think I'm showing
I've had several comments over the last week about how thin I'm looking. While I think this is a hilarious farce of reality - I accept that it is all said with love from my friends to whom the thin and/or skinny references simply mean "less than before". Were I to actually show up suddenly skinny on the doorstep of any of my friends I believe they would all hold me down until the ambulance could arrive - that is, if they could even recognize me.
But as I was saying oh, so subtly, I'm not skinny. I'm not thin. But I think I'm finally "showing" that I've lost some weight. The Girlfriend was reading my friend's blog the other day and when looking at an older post she saw a picture of me and actually called me into the room to talk about it. She said that while she knew I'd lost weight, and she sees it in all the right places (cough, cough) she hadn't really looked at a picture of me from before the weight loss. She had me sit near the desk so she could look back and forth and said it was pretty shocking. When I looked at it - I can honestly say I saw it too. It wasn't as "oh my goodness" as it was for her, but there was clearly a difference. For the better. That was nice.
I'm still a "big girl". I still feel like I've lost so relatively little that it's not even worth mentioning half the time. Like taking 2 bites out of a foot long sandwich - there's still a LOT more where that came from. (Of course a food reference from the fat girl...) But, even I feel different about being able to say I've lost 40 lbs than I did about say 25. 40 lbs is SOMETHING. 40 lbs is something you see listed on magazine covers. It's something that you'd be really impressed with if it was someone else. But in this case it's not. It's just me. Me - 40 lbs lighter than when I started.
Makes me feel a bit lighter just thinking about it. Wonder how I'll feel after I've lost the next 40? Personally, being less than 180 seems so almost unrealistic. I can hardly even push to imagine what being 160 will be like. Seems so far away. Sort of like when I was imagining what it would be like to be under 200. But here I am....
Dreaming the impossible dream. Fighting the unwinnable foe and, oh so slowly, winning.
But as I was saying oh, so subtly, I'm not skinny. I'm not thin. But I think I'm finally "showing" that I've lost some weight. The Girlfriend was reading my friend's blog the other day and when looking at an older post she saw a picture of me and actually called me into the room to talk about it. She said that while she knew I'd lost weight, and she sees it in all the right places (cough, cough) she hadn't really looked at a picture of me from before the weight loss. She had me sit near the desk so she could look back and forth and said it was pretty shocking. When I looked at it - I can honestly say I saw it too. It wasn't as "oh my goodness" as it was for her, but there was clearly a difference. For the better. That was nice.
I'm still a "big girl". I still feel like I've lost so relatively little that it's not even worth mentioning half the time. Like taking 2 bites out of a foot long sandwich - there's still a LOT more where that came from. (Of course a food reference from the fat girl...) But, even I feel different about being able to say I've lost 40 lbs than I did about say 25. 40 lbs is SOMETHING. 40 lbs is something you see listed on magazine covers. It's something that you'd be really impressed with if it was someone else. But in this case it's not. It's just me. Me - 40 lbs lighter than when I started.
Makes me feel a bit lighter just thinking about it. Wonder how I'll feel after I've lost the next 40? Personally, being less than 180 seems so almost unrealistic. I can hardly even push to imagine what being 160 will be like. Seems so far away. Sort of like when I was imagining what it would be like to be under 200. But here I am....
Dreaming the impossible dream. Fighting the unwinnable foe and, oh so slowly, winning.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Feeling it again
My focus was gone. But it is back. It is so back.
I am feeling the bones in my hands in a new way when I wash my hands. The other day it hit me that it felt "different". My first mental image was that I was washing someone else's hands. They were so... skeletal? I'm still fat for sure, but my hands felt downright dainty.
That same day when washing my face in the shower I really "felt" my jaw line and cheek bones. Was it my gently diminishing face or my newly skeletal hands?
And last week I had my arms crossed and it hit me that the meaty part of my arm right below my elbow felt much smaller. I still had tons to squeeze of course, but it felt a bit mushier. More on it's way out than previously.
Yesterday, it was something new. My upper legs. Siting in a, well, familiar seat were one often sits without pants I was struck that something looked "different". It was my fat. My fat looked different in my upper leg. Less all one chunk, and a bit more loose and ready to move. It's a pattern I've noticed in other parts of my body. First, the fat "loosens up" a bit - then it just goes away. Well, it at least changes a bit. Still fat. Still clear on that. Still have miles and miles to go. But I have a few less steps. Today is my 3rd day at 194. Ya know what that means? 40 pounds. That is so insane to me. Completely unrealistic. Almost as bizarre as how lose my pants have become. I never would have believed it was possible.
I slipped. I lost focus. I never gave up, and I'm actually pretty proud of that. I just temporarily took my eye off the ball.
It's back, baby. It's back.
Next stop? Size 16. What was once an impossible dream is now my next realistic goal. So bring it on. I'm ready. I'm up for the fight. Me and my skeletal hands will take you down one glass of water at a time.
I am feeling the bones in my hands in a new way when I wash my hands. The other day it hit me that it felt "different". My first mental image was that I was washing someone else's hands. They were so... skeletal? I'm still fat for sure, but my hands felt downright dainty.
That same day when washing my face in the shower I really "felt" my jaw line and cheek bones. Was it my gently diminishing face or my newly skeletal hands?
And last week I had my arms crossed and it hit me that the meaty part of my arm right below my elbow felt much smaller. I still had tons to squeeze of course, but it felt a bit mushier. More on it's way out than previously.
Yesterday, it was something new. My upper legs. Siting in a, well, familiar seat were one often sits without pants I was struck that something looked "different". It was my fat. My fat looked different in my upper leg. Less all one chunk, and a bit more loose and ready to move. It's a pattern I've noticed in other parts of my body. First, the fat "loosens up" a bit - then it just goes away. Well, it at least changes a bit. Still fat. Still clear on that. Still have miles and miles to go. But I have a few less steps. Today is my 3rd day at 194. Ya know what that means? 40 pounds. That is so insane to me. Completely unrealistic. Almost as bizarre as how lose my pants have become. I never would have believed it was possible.
I slipped. I lost focus. I never gave up, and I'm actually pretty proud of that. I just temporarily took my eye off the ball.
It's back, baby. It's back.
Next stop? Size 16. What was once an impossible dream is now my next realistic goal. So bring it on. I'm ready. I'm up for the fight. Me and my skeletal hands will take you down one glass of water at a time.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Popcorn sins
Frickin' popcorn smell....
I walk into my house after a long hard day, hoping that there will be dinner waiting for me or ready shortly. Instead I smell the popcorn. Normally I can avoid it, but today I was hungry. Half a bag of popcorn later - I am aware I've had my first semi-mindless cheat. I slipped oh so quickly into that old mindset of "not thinking" about food. When I grew up popcorn was a healthy snack. In today's world of microwaved butter and salt with popcorn on the side - it's not so healthy.
But dang it tasted good. My lips are still burning a bit from the salt. But in a good way. Mmmmm...
Then I realize it's 8:30pm, I haven't eaten real dinner yet and I need to go to bed in about 90 minutes to an hour.
Crap. Not a great choice. But I didn't finish the bag of popcorn. And in a few minutes I'm going to get a glass of water and search for some fruit. Hmmm....Popcorn and canned peaches. Corn and peaches. Veggies and fruit. Sounds healthy to me.
At least for tonight...
I walk into my house after a long hard day, hoping that there will be dinner waiting for me or ready shortly. Instead I smell the popcorn. Normally I can avoid it, but today I was hungry. Half a bag of popcorn later - I am aware I've had my first semi-mindless cheat. I slipped oh so quickly into that old mindset of "not thinking" about food. When I grew up popcorn was a healthy snack. In today's world of microwaved butter and salt with popcorn on the side - it's not so healthy.
But dang it tasted good. My lips are still burning a bit from the salt. But in a good way. Mmmmm...
Then I realize it's 8:30pm, I haven't eaten real dinner yet and I need to go to bed in about 90 minutes to an hour.
Crap. Not a great choice. But I didn't finish the bag of popcorn. And in a few minutes I'm going to get a glass of water and search for some fruit. Hmmm....Popcorn and canned peaches. Corn and peaches. Veggies and fruit. Sounds healthy to me.
At least for tonight...
Monday, March 10, 2008
I could have had a V8 - and a nap
I'm missing 3 things in my life: Fruit, Veggies and Sleep.
Breakfast is a bar on the way in to work about 6:15am. Lunch is something frozen from a box - if I'm lucky enough to get a lunch. Dinner is whatever I have the strength to throw together when I'm often not getting home until 7:30 at night. And I try to be in bed by 10, and sleeping by 10:30. It's 10:58 and I'm still fully dressed and on the computer. Then again, I didn't get home until 8:15, dinner wasn't until 9pm. Is it wrong that I didn't want to go right to bed? I don't think so. When my alarm goes off at 4:45am, I may change my mind.
I've tried a few times to bring fruit to work. Doesn't work really well. I'm thinking I need to change tactics. Maybe a bowl of grapes? One bite at a time vs. the commitment of a rapidly browning apple as I'm on the phone with an upset client. It's not a bad idea, but considering it took me almost 20 minutes to crack open a yogurt that had been sitting just inches from me at my desk doesn't make me to hopeful. But I've got to try something as I know it's my biggest fault. Fiber has started slacking too - but the Kashi TLC bar each morning helps. I'm not where I was, but I'm doing SO much better than I could be doing, and I have to appreciate that.
I'm back to 196 officially. Very happy about that. I keep thinking about what I'm not doing, not getting, not living up to - but I have to remember it's a long process, and this is a bumpy part of the road. I need to be excited that I'm still ON the road - not complain about how I'm getting there.
On a lighter note...
This little blog post will be dedicated to The Aunt. Yes, to The Aunt who can't say "healthy food" or "organic" without making a face like she sucked on a lemon. To The Aunt who thinks I'm kinda funny because I care what goes in the recycle container. The Aunt who has lived with us for over a year now. Officially as of today The Aunt found a place to live. She moves in the first weekend in April. We have loved her living with us, and truly have no major complaints. But it will be nice to have the house to ourselves again. And nice to have her stop buying ice cream and toppings - encouraging us to join her for "Sundae Sundays".
Here's to you.
Breakfast is a bar on the way in to work about 6:15am. Lunch is something frozen from a box - if I'm lucky enough to get a lunch. Dinner is whatever I have the strength to throw together when I'm often not getting home until 7:30 at night. And I try to be in bed by 10, and sleeping by 10:30. It's 10:58 and I'm still fully dressed and on the computer. Then again, I didn't get home until 8:15, dinner wasn't until 9pm. Is it wrong that I didn't want to go right to bed? I don't think so. When my alarm goes off at 4:45am, I may change my mind.
I've tried a few times to bring fruit to work. Doesn't work really well. I'm thinking I need to change tactics. Maybe a bowl of grapes? One bite at a time vs. the commitment of a rapidly browning apple as I'm on the phone with an upset client. It's not a bad idea, but considering it took me almost 20 minutes to crack open a yogurt that had been sitting just inches from me at my desk doesn't make me to hopeful. But I've got to try something as I know it's my biggest fault. Fiber has started slacking too - but the Kashi TLC bar each morning helps. I'm not where I was, but I'm doing SO much better than I could be doing, and I have to appreciate that.
I'm back to 196 officially. Very happy about that. I keep thinking about what I'm not doing, not getting, not living up to - but I have to remember it's a long process, and this is a bumpy part of the road. I need to be excited that I'm still ON the road - not complain about how I'm getting there.
On a lighter note...
This little blog post will be dedicated to The Aunt. Yes, to The Aunt who can't say "healthy food" or "organic" without making a face like she sucked on a lemon. To The Aunt who thinks I'm kinda funny because I care what goes in the recycle container. The Aunt who has lived with us for over a year now. Officially as of today The Aunt found a place to live. She moves in the first weekend in April. We have loved her living with us, and truly have no major complaints. But it will be nice to have the house to ourselves again. And nice to have her stop buying ice cream and toppings - encouraging us to join her for "Sundae Sundays".
Here's to you.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
"Working" on food issues
My job is bad for me.
I don't just mean the back aches, the eye strain, the lack of sleep or the risks of angering one of the large men with power tools. I'm talking about something much more important.
Food.
I haven't taken a lunch in 2 days. Yesterday I brought a yogurt to my desk to eat. Today I was able to get in a yogurt AND a granola bar while I worked through my 12 hour day without a single break.
Some of this is going to be because I'm new. It takes so much more time to do what you need when every hour has 10-15 minutes of waiting to get an answer.
Today I walked to the kitchen, held my frozen meal in my hands, stared at it a moment and then put it back into the freezer. I grabbed my yogurt and even that sat on my desk at least 20 minutes before I could crack the thing open. How in the world did I begin to think I had time to wait 5 minutes for the microwave - followed by at least 10 minutes away from my desk?
When I came home I had a semi-healthy meal (pre-prepared healthy frozen dinner for 2) and a big glass of this super fruit juice with tons of good stuff in it. Still not really enough calories. And I've had 1/2 of a big glass of water all day. I know I should be drinking some right now, but I couldn't quite bring myself to walk across the house and stand up while the water pours out. It's pretty bad. I'm exhausted.
Then again, not eating enough, not drinking enough, and not getting enough sleep are all bad for my weight. Sigh... Time to walk to the kitchen (daily exercise), pour/drink a glass of water (hydration) and go to bed. No one ever said it would be easy...
I don't just mean the back aches, the eye strain, the lack of sleep or the risks of angering one of the large men with power tools. I'm talking about something much more important.
Food.
I haven't taken a lunch in 2 days. Yesterday I brought a yogurt to my desk to eat. Today I was able to get in a yogurt AND a granola bar while I worked through my 12 hour day without a single break.
Some of this is going to be because I'm new. It takes so much more time to do what you need when every hour has 10-15 minutes of waiting to get an answer.
Today I walked to the kitchen, held my frozen meal in my hands, stared at it a moment and then put it back into the freezer. I grabbed my yogurt and even that sat on my desk at least 20 minutes before I could crack the thing open. How in the world did I begin to think I had time to wait 5 minutes for the microwave - followed by at least 10 minutes away from my desk?
When I came home I had a semi-healthy meal (pre-prepared healthy frozen dinner for 2) and a big glass of this super fruit juice with tons of good stuff in it. Still not really enough calories. And I've had 1/2 of a big glass of water all day. I know I should be drinking some right now, but I couldn't quite bring myself to walk across the house and stand up while the water pours out. It's pretty bad. I'm exhausted.
Then again, not eating enough, not drinking enough, and not getting enough sleep are all bad for my weight. Sigh... Time to walk to the kitchen (daily exercise), pour/drink a glass of water (hydration) and go to bed. No one ever said it would be easy...
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Shifting gears
Time flies without a computer.
In my new job I'm not allowed online. No IM. No email. Nothing personal. Certainly no tracking the food I eat. I'm allowed to google directions for customers - but that's about it. And of course, at home this computer is shared between 3 of us so access isn't unlimited. And let's be honest - those healthy meals aren't going to cook themselves, so pretty much I am lucky to get 30 min of internet time a day on average. I went from checking 3 email accounts several times a day, to being lucky if I checked 1-2 of them at least once a week. It's killing me slowly - but I know it's better than being bored out of my mind with nothing but time to kill at a job with an ax hanging over my head. Long term employment is always the better option.
Quick overview. Being sick sucked. I ate nothing. I tracked every day and there were many days that I barely at 600 calories. After about 2 weeks of that, I moved up to 1100 - 1300 a day and actually gained 2 lbs. Pissed me off. So I decided to do a "reset" weekend. Let myself eat some of the things I'd wanted. Go to the restaurants I've dreamed of going to, but of course wouldn't have nutritional info. Only did that for a weekend. By that Monday I was 202. Eeek! But then I went back to healthy all that week and by Friday I was 198 again. Until... I got a rare opportunity to go out w/ a friend to a funky restaurant for dinner, and then another spot for dessert, and then another spot for a cocktail. How could I say no? So I didn't. That was last Friday, and as of today I'm 200 again. Sigh....
As for the gym, I haven't gone since being laid off. I should have gone since I had all that time, but I had too much stress. I would have felt guilty for taking the time at the gym when I could have been hunting for jobs. Now with the new job I haven't fallen quite into the pattern of going. And it's now much more out of the way. Hoping we can get into a new pattern of going in the next week or two. Ok - hope sounds nice, but action gets you there. I'm going to say that within 2 weeks I will be going to the gym again at least 2 times a week. I think that's a good plan.
Now if I only had a plan for how to spend more time online...
In my new job I'm not allowed online. No IM. No email. Nothing personal. Certainly no tracking the food I eat. I'm allowed to google directions for customers - but that's about it. And of course, at home this computer is shared between 3 of us so access isn't unlimited. And let's be honest - those healthy meals aren't going to cook themselves, so pretty much I am lucky to get 30 min of internet time a day on average. I went from checking 3 email accounts several times a day, to being lucky if I checked 1-2 of them at least once a week. It's killing me slowly - but I know it's better than being bored out of my mind with nothing but time to kill at a job with an ax hanging over my head. Long term employment is always the better option.
Quick overview. Being sick sucked. I ate nothing. I tracked every day and there were many days that I barely at 600 calories. After about 2 weeks of that, I moved up to 1100 - 1300 a day and actually gained 2 lbs. Pissed me off. So I decided to do a "reset" weekend. Let myself eat some of the things I'd wanted. Go to the restaurants I've dreamed of going to, but of course wouldn't have nutritional info. Only did that for a weekend. By that Monday I was 202. Eeek! But then I went back to healthy all that week and by Friday I was 198 again. Until... I got a rare opportunity to go out w/ a friend to a funky restaurant for dinner, and then another spot for dessert, and then another spot for a cocktail. How could I say no? So I didn't. That was last Friday, and as of today I'm 200 again. Sigh....
As for the gym, I haven't gone since being laid off. I should have gone since I had all that time, but I had too much stress. I would have felt guilty for taking the time at the gym when I could have been hunting for jobs. Now with the new job I haven't fallen quite into the pattern of going. And it's now much more out of the way. Hoping we can get into a new pattern of going in the next week or two. Ok - hope sounds nice, but action gets you there. I'm going to say that within 2 weeks I will be going to the gym again at least 2 times a week. I think that's a good plan.
Now if I only had a plan for how to spend more time online...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)