Today, after eating my bowl of cereal for breakfast and a Starbucks Red Velvet Cupcake for lunch, I decided to get on the scale before I got in the shower. I'm not sure if what I saw was a greater surprise, or if I should be more surprised that less than 5 minutes after eating a cupcake my sick sense of internal humor said "huh, I wonder what you weigh now?".
It was 199.2. While there was a time not so horribly long ago that number would have been cringe inspiring, not so much any more. Now - I was not so secretly excited at seeing a "1" at the beginning of the number.
Then, while driving to work I ate a handful of Cheetos. Dinner was a safe frozen choice - but of course that was followed up by a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and a small Almond Joy around 1:30am as I was starting to get hungry while I finished checking off time sheets at work. Then when I got home at almost 3am, I was so hungry I heated up some sloppy joe leftovers to make a sandwich.
I HAVE to start tracking my food again somehow. Not sure how and when and where in the world I'm going to scrape up that last bit of determination to do it consistently - but if I was tracking there's no way I would have made most of those decisions. I would have instead been driven to do more in hopes of seeing further decreases on the scale. Now, it's all about what's easy and convenient.
I feel like I'm getting closer but I'm just not quite there yet. Like I'm waiting for some kind of push. Or sign.
Funny, as I typed that line something hit me. Some of my favorite lines in a song are by Steven Curtis Chapman and they all but screamed out at me so I must be "supposed" to share them here.
"You're waiting for lighting.
A sign that it's time for a change.
You're listening for thunder
while He quietly whispers your name."
Hmmm... maybe I have been doing that after all. Listening for the thunder. Waiting for the neon flashing sign. But I'm so busy waiting for the big one, I'm missing all the small ones.
More to think about as I head off to sleep my funny little sleep schedule. Time to dream about healthy decisions!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Life on the Naughty List
I have been a bad bad girl. I have been living on drive through and pizzas and chocolate and starches and processed foods. I have not been drinking enough water. I have gone two days before realizing I'd yet to eat a veggie - since french fries, ketchup and lettuce on a taco does not constitute fruits and veggies no matter what our school lunch system claims.
I've been busy. But isn't that everyone's excuse? I know it isn't a good one.
I'm down to one job, but I'm averaging about 13 hours a day there so it might as well be two. I am being pretty good at my "lunch" there as I bring a healthier frozen meal, but when leaving there at 8 and 9pm and knowing I should be in bed by 10:30 that drive through starts to look better and better.
The real problem I know is that I've lost that fire. I used to be passionate about it. I used to count my calories and care about every little piece of intake. I used to really, really care. I'm not quite sure what happened to that spark. I know I need to get it back, but I don't know how. I saw 206 on the scale the other day but instead of getting angry at myself and resolving to make better decisions there was this feeling of "it figures" and found myself mentally resolving to not get on the scale for awhile. I will say that I did a quick mental check on myself and was able to do a bit of a "take back" where I repeated some good things and reminded myself that I had the power to change it. It worked for the next 10 minutes, but that night when I was leaving work at 9pm I grabbed Burger King. I don't really even like Burger King that much (except for a hot steaming cheeseburger on a cold day - their simple cheeseburgers really are quite good) and yet I got a meal and ate the whole thing. I felt like crap that night and worse the next day. The only good thing I can say about that experience is that I've sworn off of Burger King for awhile.
On Monday I begin working the night shift, which I'll be doing until July. For now, that means about 3pm until Midnight. Of course, I'll have to go in a few hours early or I'll be there until 3am. While I know this will be difficult, I'm going to work to make this an opportunity for change. If I can maintain a healthy breakfast, manage some sort of decent lunch at home, and just bring in those frozen healthier meals for dinner - I might just have a chance. Right now it's a concept and not a full fledged plan, but it's the best I've been able to do for awhile so I'm holding on to it.
Just when I'm starting to feel better, I realize I've been writing most of this while staring at the Dark Hershey kisses sitting on my desk and thinking about how I'm going to eat them when I'm done. Sigh.....
Time to go get a glass of water and walk away from the chocolate.
I've been busy. But isn't that everyone's excuse? I know it isn't a good one.
I'm down to one job, but I'm averaging about 13 hours a day there so it might as well be two. I am being pretty good at my "lunch" there as I bring a healthier frozen meal, but when leaving there at 8 and 9pm and knowing I should be in bed by 10:30 that drive through starts to look better and better.
The real problem I know is that I've lost that fire. I used to be passionate about it. I used to count my calories and care about every little piece of intake. I used to really, really care. I'm not quite sure what happened to that spark. I know I need to get it back, but I don't know how. I saw 206 on the scale the other day but instead of getting angry at myself and resolving to make better decisions there was this feeling of "it figures" and found myself mentally resolving to not get on the scale for awhile. I will say that I did a quick mental check on myself and was able to do a bit of a "take back" where I repeated some good things and reminded myself that I had the power to change it. It worked for the next 10 minutes, but that night when I was leaving work at 9pm I grabbed Burger King. I don't really even like Burger King that much (except for a hot steaming cheeseburger on a cold day - their simple cheeseburgers really are quite good) and yet I got a meal and ate the whole thing. I felt like crap that night and worse the next day. The only good thing I can say about that experience is that I've sworn off of Burger King for awhile.
On Monday I begin working the night shift, which I'll be doing until July. For now, that means about 3pm until Midnight. Of course, I'll have to go in a few hours early or I'll be there until 3am. While I know this will be difficult, I'm going to work to make this an opportunity for change. If I can maintain a healthy breakfast, manage some sort of decent lunch at home, and just bring in those frozen healthier meals for dinner - I might just have a chance. Right now it's a concept and not a full fledged plan, but it's the best I've been able to do for awhile so I'm holding on to it.
Just when I'm starting to feel better, I realize I've been writing most of this while staring at the Dark Hershey kisses sitting on my desk and thinking about how I'm going to eat them when I'm done. Sigh.....
Time to go get a glass of water and walk away from the chocolate.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Being Zen and finding The Path
Today was my first day at my new job. My new full time job. I've had 3 shifts at my new part time job. Thursday will be my first day to do them both. To some folks that could sound stressful. But me, well..., I feel peaceful. Happy. Blessed.
I put up my Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. I finished putting on the lights the next night when I came home from an 8 hour day at the part time gig. Here it is Monday night and I haven't put up a single ornament, yet I get so much joy out of just seeing it all lit up in the living room when I pass it by. I've pulled the box of ornaments out of the garage and figure I'll get that done this week. It might annoy The Girlfriend a bit that it takes me so long, we have a long history of bitter battles over Christmas as I'm a Christmas adoring over-doer and she's a "Do we really need to celebrate?" kind of gal. And yet I feel like we'll be ok this year. She even helped me put the bows on the pillars outside our house and the wreath on the front door.
My last time on the scale showed movement in the wrong direction. We're still having Thanksgiving dinner leftovers every night - and likely will through the end of the week so I know that's not likely to change any time soon. And yet even this I have a sense of peace about. This is a step. This is just a part of the path. Sure, I'd hoped for a smoother one, but I'm the one who chose to stray from the original plan. I'm the one who stopped thinking about my food, thinking about every little step. I thought I just needed a break. I've learned that is just another excuse the mind creates. But, I feel like I'm almost to the spot where I'll see some light in front of it all. It's my job now to decide how badly I want to find that original path. It will be different now, but at least I'll know which way I'm headed. Not thinking about food is like not thinking about where you're going when walking in the woods. Do it for too long, and soon you'll realize that you have no idea where you are, how you got there, or how to get back. I am going to pick a direction and be aware of every step. Sure, I might take a step or two off the path to smell a particularly beautiful flower (Or small piece of chocolate cake) but I can never forget that I'm on a path and I need to step right back on it when I'm done.
When Thanksgiving leftovers are gone and I start getting a pay check again, it will be time to get out that compass and find that path.
I put up my Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. I finished putting on the lights the next night when I came home from an 8 hour day at the part time gig. Here it is Monday night and I haven't put up a single ornament, yet I get so much joy out of just seeing it all lit up in the living room when I pass it by. I've pulled the box of ornaments out of the garage and figure I'll get that done this week. It might annoy The Girlfriend a bit that it takes me so long, we have a long history of bitter battles over Christmas as I'm a Christmas adoring over-doer and she's a "Do we really need to celebrate?" kind of gal. And yet I feel like we'll be ok this year. She even helped me put the bows on the pillars outside our house and the wreath on the front door.
My last time on the scale showed movement in the wrong direction. We're still having Thanksgiving dinner leftovers every night - and likely will through the end of the week so I know that's not likely to change any time soon. And yet even this I have a sense of peace about. This is a step. This is just a part of the path. Sure, I'd hoped for a smoother one, but I'm the one who chose to stray from the original plan. I'm the one who stopped thinking about my food, thinking about every little step. I thought I just needed a break. I've learned that is just another excuse the mind creates. But, I feel like I'm almost to the spot where I'll see some light in front of it all. It's my job now to decide how badly I want to find that original path. It will be different now, but at least I'll know which way I'm headed. Not thinking about food is like not thinking about where you're going when walking in the woods. Do it for too long, and soon you'll realize that you have no idea where you are, how you got there, or how to get back. I am going to pick a direction and be aware of every step. Sure, I might take a step or two off the path to smell a particularly beautiful flower (Or small piece of chocolate cake) but I can never forget that I'm on a path and I need to step right back on it when I'm done.
When Thanksgiving leftovers are gone and I start getting a pay check again, it will be time to get out that compass and find that path.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Don't think I'm on the bottom yet...
I'm trying to bounce back up. I am. Sort of. Kinda. And it's almost sorta working.
Let me explain.
The Girlfriend told me this week that she is now at her heaviest. She's not happy about it one bit. She's been saying for awhile that she wants to be healthier again, do more active things etc but we end up doing the same thing we do every night - eating bad food while we sit around and watch tv. I haven't been able to break of of my "I don't have a job" funk to really jump-start the good behavior the way I know I should. Also, our house is still filled with the "this is cheap" foods like rice, pasta, breads, Top Ramen, bologna, ground beef and of course left over Halloween candy. (Even though my job starts in a few weeks, it will still be a month before I see a paycheck so cheap eats it will continue to be for a bit more...)
Two days ago I found her looking through Craigslist ads for a treadmill. She felt that if she bought a treadmill and put it in one of our back bedrooms she would use it all the time and the act of buying it would be the catalyst she needed for change. I tried to convince her that a) If we DID buy one it should go in the living room which is where we are honestly more likely to be instead of back in a bedroom to be forgotten on days when you just aren't motivated and b) If she was motivated to work out we had everything she needed to get started already at the house. After a long discussion about it - we went for a walk around the neighborhood.
I can't tell you how many times we've talked about doing this, and I could count how many times we've done it on one hand. With my thumb strapped down. And with fingers to spare.
A nice 25 minute brisk walk felt AWESOME! I was really hoping for a good follow up.
Then last night when she was about to look for another show on TV I said - "Hey, why don't we use the Wii Fit?" She jumped right into it.
Now true, that may have been after a dinner of BBQ chicken sandwiches - but it was just one small sandwich each. Not long ago at all it would have been a 2 sandwich dinner. I figure I may not be where we want to be, but I can at least try to keep a handle on portion size.
I'm about to get on the Wii Fit now. Going to try to get in 30 minutes before our Date Night out of Pizza and a Movie. She has said she'll get in her time when we come back. I'm really hopeful that she does.
If we can actually keep going with a minimum of 30 minutes of activity a day through the weekend I will be really impressed.
I may not have hit the bottom, but that 205 on the scale today looked pretty dang scary. The Girlfriend told me she's at 230. She thinks she's hit the bottom. I know I'm not there - but I am close enough to remember what it looked like. And it did not look nice.
Time to go have some quality time staring at the tv pretending to hula hoop...
Let me explain.
The Girlfriend told me this week that she is now at her heaviest. She's not happy about it one bit. She's been saying for awhile that she wants to be healthier again, do more active things etc but we end up doing the same thing we do every night - eating bad food while we sit around and watch tv. I haven't been able to break of of my "I don't have a job" funk to really jump-start the good behavior the way I know I should. Also, our house is still filled with the "this is cheap" foods like rice, pasta, breads, Top Ramen, bologna, ground beef and of course left over Halloween candy. (Even though my job starts in a few weeks, it will still be a month before I see a paycheck so cheap eats it will continue to be for a bit more...)
Two days ago I found her looking through Craigslist ads for a treadmill. She felt that if she bought a treadmill and put it in one of our back bedrooms she would use it all the time and the act of buying it would be the catalyst she needed for change. I tried to convince her that a) If we DID buy one it should go in the living room which is where we are honestly more likely to be instead of back in a bedroom to be forgotten on days when you just aren't motivated and b) If she was motivated to work out we had everything she needed to get started already at the house. After a long discussion about it - we went for a walk around the neighborhood.
I can't tell you how many times we've talked about doing this, and I could count how many times we've done it on one hand. With my thumb strapped down. And with fingers to spare.
A nice 25 minute brisk walk felt AWESOME! I was really hoping for a good follow up.
Then last night when she was about to look for another show on TV I said - "Hey, why don't we use the Wii Fit?" She jumped right into it.
Now true, that may have been after a dinner of BBQ chicken sandwiches - but it was just one small sandwich each. Not long ago at all it would have been a 2 sandwich dinner. I figure I may not be where we want to be, but I can at least try to keep a handle on portion size.
I'm about to get on the Wii Fit now. Going to try to get in 30 minutes before our Date Night out of Pizza and a Movie. She has said she'll get in her time when we come back. I'm really hopeful that she does.
If we can actually keep going with a minimum of 30 minutes of activity a day through the weekend I will be really impressed.
I may not have hit the bottom, but that 205 on the scale today looked pretty dang scary. The Girlfriend told me she's at 230. She thinks she's hit the bottom. I know I'm not there - but I am close enough to remember what it looked like. And it did not look nice.
Time to go have some quality time staring at the tv pretending to hula hoop...
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Tummy full of hope
I feel like crap.
Wait. Better yet, I feel like fat crap. Blech.
I've been over the 200 mark for about a month now. Very not happy about it, but honestly not doing too much about it. I've been keeping semi-active doing stuff around the house, but with the exception of one good Wii Fit session, I haven't been trying to work out. I also haven't been working to eat healthy. I've been working to eat cheap - and I have to say I'm doing a pretty good frickin' job of it! I haven't had a job for almost 6 months now and the pantry is still well stocked.
Gotta tell you, I know that I've heard a million times about how it's possible to eat healthy for cheap and I don't doubt that it's possible. It's just not an area where I'm really confident. But I know how to make a casserole, pasta or rice stretch out a dish. And I've been flexing the heck out of my "how to make one night's leftovers into 2 different meals" muscle. The Girlfriend has been impressed. Unfortunately Mr. Scale is less than impressed.
Well, I have a full time and part time job offer that both start next week. While this will be quite the pay cut from what I've been accustomed to, it will mean that I can slowly start phasing out the high carb, high sodium, high calorie meals we've been eating once those checks start coming in next month. And with all my work running around - including a retail position where I"ll be on my feet all the time - hopefully I'll start burning off some of this evil pudge.
My mini goal is to be back in the 190's before the end of the year. Mind you, right now that would only be about 5 lbs, but since I won't get "buy healthy food" money for another month or so, I want to make sure it's a realistic goal. Merry Christmas to me!
Wait. Better yet, I feel like fat crap. Blech.
I've been over the 200 mark for about a month now. Very not happy about it, but honestly not doing too much about it. I've been keeping semi-active doing stuff around the house, but with the exception of one good Wii Fit session, I haven't been trying to work out. I also haven't been working to eat healthy. I've been working to eat cheap - and I have to say I'm doing a pretty good frickin' job of it! I haven't had a job for almost 6 months now and the pantry is still well stocked.
Gotta tell you, I know that I've heard a million times about how it's possible to eat healthy for cheap and I don't doubt that it's possible. It's just not an area where I'm really confident. But I know how to make a casserole, pasta or rice stretch out a dish. And I've been flexing the heck out of my "how to make one night's leftovers into 2 different meals" muscle. The Girlfriend has been impressed. Unfortunately Mr. Scale is less than impressed.
Well, I have a full time and part time job offer that both start next week. While this will be quite the pay cut from what I've been accustomed to, it will mean that I can slowly start phasing out the high carb, high sodium, high calorie meals we've been eating once those checks start coming in next month. And with all my work running around - including a retail position where I"ll be on my feet all the time - hopefully I'll start burning off some of this evil pudge.
My mini goal is to be back in the 190's before the end of the year. Mind you, right now that would only be about 5 lbs, but since I won't get "buy healthy food" money for another month or so, I want to make sure it's a realistic goal. Merry Christmas to me!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Why did Pete walk out?
I have a 3rd grade joke to tell you. It's not really a joke - not even close - but it was something I read in several 3rd grade appropriate joke books when I was about that age. Basically, kid asks the question, adult pretends that they don't know where the joke and humors them until they are wishing they hadn't bought them the dang joke book.
Kid: Ok, Pete and Re-Pete walk into a bar. Pete walks out. Who's still inside?
Adult: Re-Pete.
Kid: Sure. Pete and Re-Pete walk into a bar. Pete walks out. Who's still inside?
Adult: Re-Pete.
Kid: [who is now clearly laughing...] Pete and Re-Pete walk into a bar. Pete walks out. Who's still inside?
Adult: Re-Pete.
And so on it goes until that camel's back is broken or the kid screws up the joke.
That's been my week so far. I've spent more hours pulling dang weeds from that cursed lawn than I care to remember. Let's just say more than 8. I will say that it looks better, but I also know if I sat down in almost any spot in the yard, within 30 seconds I'd likely find ones that have escaped prior rounds.
Today I made trip #2 to one of the jobs so they could get my fingerprints and of course authorization to run a battery of background checks on me. I have nothing to hide - search away! Just give me the job!
I've done laundry and dishes and taken out the trash and yet it feels like nothing gets done. Yet, every night I have amazing fantasies about how the next day will be THE day where I get up promptly by 8am and by 10am I've finished several loads of laundry - including folding and putting them away so that I'm ready to attack the next task. In this fantasy I'm never tired, I never want to just get a glass of water and sit down for awhile. My back never hurts from leaning, bending, sorting and stretching. I'm never distracted by a phone call or TV show or some far lesser important task that suddenly takes my attention leaving the first task half done - if at all. It's quite the fantasy. And yet each day I think - of course tomorrow is the day. There is no reason it can't happen tomorrow. I suppose this means I'm a bit less of a self-pessimist than I thought considering I at least hoped that it could happen. Every night. And a few mornings.
Speaking of which, tonight is going pretty well. Think I can get to sleep by midnight and already have the alarm set for 7am. There's no reason tomorrow can't be the day...
Kid: Ok, Pete and Re-Pete walk into a bar. Pete walks out. Who's still inside?
Adult: Re-Pete.
Kid: Sure. Pete and Re-Pete walk into a bar. Pete walks out. Who's still inside?
Adult: Re-Pete.
Kid: [who is now clearly laughing...] Pete and Re-Pete walk into a bar. Pete walks out. Who's still inside?
Adult: Re-Pete.
And so on it goes until that camel's back is broken or the kid screws up the joke.
That's been my week so far. I've spent more hours pulling dang weeds from that cursed lawn than I care to remember. Let's just say more than 8. I will say that it looks better, but I also know if I sat down in almost any spot in the yard, within 30 seconds I'd likely find ones that have escaped prior rounds.
Today I made trip #2 to one of the jobs so they could get my fingerprints and of course authorization to run a battery of background checks on me. I have nothing to hide - search away! Just give me the job!
I've done laundry and dishes and taken out the trash and yet it feels like nothing gets done. Yet, every night I have amazing fantasies about how the next day will be THE day where I get up promptly by 8am and by 10am I've finished several loads of laundry - including folding and putting them away so that I'm ready to attack the next task. In this fantasy I'm never tired, I never want to just get a glass of water and sit down for awhile. My back never hurts from leaning, bending, sorting and stretching. I'm never distracted by a phone call or TV show or some far lesser important task that suddenly takes my attention leaving the first task half done - if at all. It's quite the fantasy. And yet each day I think - of course tomorrow is the day. There is no reason it can't happen tomorrow. I suppose this means I'm a bit less of a self-pessimist than I thought considering I at least hoped that it could happen. Every night. And a few mornings.
Speaking of which, tonight is going pretty well. Think I can get to sleep by midnight and already have the alarm set for 7am. There's no reason tomorrow can't be the day...
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