That kind of friend

Did you ever have one of those friends that only wanted to chat with you when things were going well in their lives? You heard all about the new car, the kid on honor roll, when they were ready for a night out at the club in their new outfit, or whatever it might have been for them? And yet - then went radio silent for weeks or months at a time and then you later find out that the car got repossessed or the kid was in a fight at school, or they got a DUI? Well, in my own way, it appears that I've been one of those friends. If I couldn't say something nice, I guess I wouldn't say anything at all. It's been a long time. I took a moment to look back and after starting this in 2007, I posted pretty consistently (here and there) until January 2010. There were two vaguely contemplated posts in 2012, but pretty much it's been 7 years. It wasn't the 7 year itch that brought me back though - it was the 7 year fat. I'm keeping this short because...it would be far too easy to write a mini-essay on the wrong directions taken in the past that have led me to where I am today. So here's the skinny. Or not so skinny... a) My weight is higher than when I started this blog 10 years ago. b) We're back to throwing away more fresh fruit/vegetables than we're eating. So I've largely stopped buying them. c) I've gone from being the "Recycling Nazi", where no one would dare put the wrong thing in the trash vs. recycling can to someone who practically gets scolded when I take empty water bottles out of the trash to put into the recycle bin. d) Tonight, The Wife and I are going to join a gym. Having this blog as an outlet really helped me long ago. Rather that abandon it all and start something new, I will admit to all the skeletons in my closet and the missed opportunities. I know blogs aren't "cool" anymore for many folks, but ya know what, I never said I wanted to be cool. Just healthy. Let's go.

13 weeks

Thirteen weeks. I am firmly aware of the fact that it is not a long time.

So since the realization that I needed to get my act together I've been doing a decent job of keeping up the diet but I've only exercised one day. I'll need to crank that up more as this goes along, but for now I'm not too worried.

In less than a week I have gone from 217 to 213.8 it's not a lot but I appreciate it. Almost a larger accomplishment is getting The Wife to go along for the ride. She knows she needs to do better, and I don't make her stick to the same kind of portion control even though I do make it clear what the portion is.... On the end a person has to do it because they want to - not because they are pushed into it.

So, good first steps. Decent first week. 13 to go.

14 weeks

Remember that scene in "When Harry met Sally"? Sally sat on the edge of her bed and wailed, "And I'm going to be fourth!

Harry said, surprised and sympathetically, "When?"

And as Sally's cries come to a cresheno she yells, "SOMEDAY!"

When I saw that so many years ago it was funny and I felt some sort of sympathy for the idea that as women we all get older and that she was feeling that feeling that all of us feel now and then - "How is it that I am at this point in my life and THIS is all I've done?". The plans we made, the goals we had, all the things we were going to accomplish somehow don't happen quite the way we planned.

Now, I see that in a whole now way. Why, you may ask?

Because in 14 weeks, I will be 40.

This is not what I pictured. It's not what I pictured at all.

Even a few years ago. I thought I was on a path to be in a better place by now. I was eating healthy, losing weight and doing it the right way. I knew there would be struggles, but I knew I would make it. But instead, I fell back into bad habits. I became comfortable. I made excuses to myself, and part of me believed them.

I don't want to be fat when I'm forty. I know I will never be model thin. I know I wont look the way I did in high school. But if I can hold myself to healthy habits for the next 14 weeks I might at least get back to where I was a few years ago. And while last time my goals were bigger, today I just look forward to seeing 190 on the scale again.

The scale currently says 217. I am not happy.

Today was when I realized it was just 14 weeks away. Within 5 minutes, after the shock wore off, I had pulled up Daily Plate and I started tracking my calories. Then when I came home I did 30 minutes on the treadmill, and then made a uber-healthy chicken salad for dinner.

One day down, 14 weeks to go.

Bad decisions and good reflections

Today, after eating my bowl of cereal for breakfast and a Starbucks Red Velvet Cupcake for lunch, I decided to get on the scale before I got in the shower. I'm not sure if what I saw was a greater surprise, or if I should be more surprised that less than 5 minutes after eating a cupcake my sick sense of internal humor said "huh, I wonder what you weigh now?".

It was 199.2. While there was a time not so horribly long ago that number would have been cringe inspiring, not so much any more. Now - I was not so secretly excited at seeing a "1" at the beginning of the number.

Then, while driving to work I ate a handful of Cheetos. Dinner was a safe frozen choice - but of course that was followed up by a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and a small Almond Joy around 1:30am as I was starting to get hungry while I finished checking off time sheets at work. Then when I got home at almost 3am, I was so hungry I heated up some sloppy joe leftovers to make a sandwich.

I HAVE to start tracking my food again somehow. Not sure how and when and where in the world I'm going to scrape up that last bit of determination to do it consistently - but if I was tracking there's no way I would have made most of those decisions. I would have instead been driven to do more in hopes of seeing further decreases on the scale. Now, it's all about what's easy and convenient.

I feel like I'm getting closer but I'm just not quite there yet. Like I'm waiting for some kind of push. Or sign.

Funny, as I typed that line something hit me. Some of my favorite lines in a song are by Steven Curtis Chapman and they all but screamed out at me so I must be "supposed" to share them here.

"You're waiting for lighting.
A sign that it's time for a change.
You're listening for thunder
while He quietly whispers your name."

Hmmm... maybe I have been doing that after all. Listening for the thunder. Waiting for the neon flashing sign. But I'm so busy waiting for the big one, I'm missing all the small ones.

More to think about as I head off to sleep my funny little sleep schedule. Time to dream about healthy decisions!

Life on the Naughty List

I have been a bad bad girl. I have been living on drive through and pizzas and chocolate and starches and processed foods. I have not been drinking enough water. I have gone two days before realizing I'd yet to eat a veggie - since french fries, ketchup and lettuce on a taco does not constitute fruits and veggies no matter what our school lunch system claims.

I've been busy. But isn't that everyone's excuse? I know it isn't a good one.

I'm down to one job, but I'm averaging about 13 hours a day there so it might as well be two. I am being pretty good at my "lunch" there as I bring a healthier frozen meal, but when leaving there at 8 and 9pm and knowing I should be in bed by 10:30 that drive through starts to look better and better.

The real problem I know is that I've lost that fire. I used to be passionate about it. I used to count my calories and care about every little piece of intake. I used to really, really care. I'm not quite sure what happened to that spark. I know I need to get it back, but I don't know how. I saw 206 on the scale the other day but instead of getting angry at myself and resolving to make better decisions there was this feeling of "it figures" and found myself mentally resolving to not get on the scale for awhile. I will say that I did a quick mental check on myself and was able to do a bit of a "take back" where I repeated some good things and reminded myself that I had the power to change it. It worked for the next 10 minutes, but that night when I was leaving work at 9pm I grabbed Burger King. I don't really even like Burger King that much (except for a hot steaming cheeseburger on a cold day - their simple cheeseburgers really are quite good) and yet I got a meal and ate the whole thing. I felt like crap that night and worse the next day. The only good thing I can say about that experience is that I've sworn off of Burger King for awhile.

On Monday I begin working the night shift, which I'll be doing until July. For now, that means about 3pm until Midnight. Of course, I'll have to go in a few hours early or I'll be there until 3am. While I know this will be difficult, I'm going to work to make this an opportunity for change. If I can maintain a healthy breakfast, manage some sort of decent lunch at home, and just bring in those frozen healthier meals for dinner - I might just have a chance. Right now it's a concept and not a full fledged plan, but it's the best I've been able to do for awhile so I'm holding on to it.

Just when I'm starting to feel better, I realize I've been writing most of this while staring at the Dark Hershey kisses sitting on my desk and thinking about how I'm going to eat them when I'm done. Sigh.....

Time to go get a glass of water and walk away from the chocolate.

Being Zen and finding The Path

Today was my first day at my new job. My new full time job. I've had 3 shifts at my new part time job. Thursday will be my first day to do them both. To some folks that could sound stressful. But me, well..., I feel peaceful. Happy. Blessed.

I put up my Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. I finished putting on the lights the next night when I came home from an 8 hour day at the part time gig. Here it is Monday night and I haven't put up a single ornament, yet I get so much joy out of just seeing it all lit up in the living room when I pass it by. I've pulled the box of ornaments out of the garage and figure I'll get that done this week. It might annoy The Girlfriend a bit that it takes me so long, we have a long history of bitter battles over Christmas as I'm a Christmas adoring over-doer and she's a "Do we really need to celebrate?" kind of gal. And yet I feel like we'll be ok this year. She even helped me put the bows on the pillars outside our house and the wreath on the front door.

My last time on the scale showed movement in the wrong direction. We're still having Thanksgiving dinner leftovers every night - and likely will through the end of the week so I know that's not likely to change any time soon. And yet even this I have a sense of peace about. This is a step. This is just a part of the path. Sure, I'd hoped for a smoother one, but I'm the one who chose to stray from the original plan. I'm the one who stopped thinking about my food, thinking about every little step. I thought I just needed a break. I've learned that is just another excuse the mind creates. But, I feel like I'm almost to the spot where I'll see some light in front of it all. It's my job now to decide how badly I want to find that original path. It will be different now, but at least I'll know which way I'm headed. Not thinking about food is like not thinking about where you're going when walking in the woods. Do it for too long, and soon you'll realize that you have no idea where you are, how you got there, or how to get back. I am going to pick a direction and be aware of every step. Sure, I might take a step or two off the path to smell a particularly beautiful flower (Or small piece of chocolate cake) but I can never forget that I'm on a path and I need to step right back on it when I'm done.

When Thanksgiving leftovers are gone and I start getting a pay check again, it will be time to get out that compass and find that path.

Don't think I'm on the bottom yet...

I'm trying to bounce back up. I am. Sort of. Kinda. And it's almost sorta working.

Let me explain.

The Girlfriend told me this week that she is now at her heaviest. She's not happy about it one bit. She's been saying for awhile that she wants to be healthier again, do more active things etc but we end up doing the same thing we do every night - eating bad food while we sit around and watch tv. I haven't been able to break of of my "I don't have a job" funk to really jump-start the good behavior the way I know I should. Also, our house is still filled with the "this is cheap" foods like rice, pasta, breads, Top Ramen, bologna, ground beef and of course left over Halloween candy. (Even though my job starts in a few weeks, it will still be a month before I see a paycheck so cheap eats it will continue to be for a bit more...)

Two days ago I found her looking through Craigslist ads for a treadmill. She felt that if she bought a treadmill and put it in one of our back bedrooms she would use it all the time and the act of buying it would be the catalyst she needed for change. I tried to convince her that a) If we DID buy one it should go in the living room which is where we are honestly more likely to be instead of back in a bedroom to be forgotten on days when you just aren't motivated and b) If she was motivated to work out we had everything she needed to get started already at the house. After a long discussion about it - we went for a walk around the neighborhood.

I can't tell you how many times we've talked about doing this, and I could count how many times we've done it on one hand. With my thumb strapped down. And with fingers to spare.

A nice 25 minute brisk walk felt AWESOME! I was really hoping for a good follow up.

Then last night when she was about to look for another show on TV I said - "Hey, why don't we use the Wii Fit?" She jumped right into it.

Now true, that may have been after a dinner of BBQ chicken sandwiches - but it was just one small sandwich each. Not long ago at all it would have been a 2 sandwich dinner. I figure I may not be where we want to be, but I can at least try to keep a handle on portion size.

I'm about to get on the Wii Fit now. Going to try to get in 30 minutes before our Date Night out of Pizza and a Movie. She has said she'll get in her time when we come back. I'm really hopeful that she does.

If we can actually keep going with a minimum of 30 minutes of activity a day through the weekend I will be really impressed.

I may not have hit the bottom, but that 205 on the scale today looked pretty dang scary. The Girlfriend told me she's at 230. She thinks she's hit the bottom. I know I'm not there - but I am close enough to remember what it looked like. And it did not look nice.

Time to go have some quality time staring at the tv pretending to hula hoop...

Tummy full of hope

I feel like crap.

Wait. Better yet, I feel like fat crap. Blech.

I've been over the 200 mark for about a month now. Very not happy about it, but honestly not doing too much about it. I've been keeping semi-active doing stuff around the house, but with the exception of one good Wii Fit session, I haven't been trying to work out. I also haven't been working to eat healthy. I've been working to eat cheap - and I have to say I'm doing a pretty good frickin' job of it! I haven't had a job for almost 6 months now and the pantry is still well stocked.

Gotta tell you, I know that I've heard a million times about how it's possible to eat healthy for cheap and I don't doubt that it's possible. It's just not an area where I'm really confident. But I know how to make a casserole, pasta or rice stretch out a dish. And I've been flexing the heck out of my "how to make one night's leftovers into 2 different meals" muscle. The Girlfriend has been impressed. Unfortunately Mr. Scale is less than impressed.

Well, I have a full time and part time job offer that both start next week. While this will be quite the pay cut from what I've been accustomed to, it will mean that I can slowly start phasing out the high carb, high sodium, high calorie meals we've been eating once those checks start coming in next month. And with all my work running around - including a retail position where I"ll be on my feet all the time - hopefully I'll start burning off some of this evil pudge.

My mini goal is to be back in the 190's before the end of the year. Mind you, right now that would only be about 5 lbs, but since I won't get "buy healthy food" money for another month or so, I want to make sure it's a realistic goal. Merry Christmas to me!

Why did Pete walk out?

I have a 3rd grade joke to tell you. It's not really a joke - not even close - but it was something I read in several 3rd grade appropriate joke books when I was about that age. Basically, kid asks the question, adult pretends that they don't know where the joke and humors them until they are wishing they hadn't bought them the dang joke book.

Kid: Ok, Pete and Re-Pete walk into a bar. Pete walks out. Who's still inside?
Adult: Re-Pete.
Kid: Sure. Pete and Re-Pete walk into a bar. Pete walks out. Who's still inside?
Adult: Re-Pete.
Kid: [who is now clearly laughing...] Pete and Re-Pete walk into a bar. Pete walks out. Who's still inside?
Adult: Re-Pete.

And so on it goes until that camel's back is broken or the kid screws up the joke.

That's been my week so far. I've spent more hours pulling dang weeds from that cursed lawn than I care to remember. Let's just say more than 8. I will say that it looks better, but I also know if I sat down in almost any spot in the yard, within 30 seconds I'd likely find ones that have escaped prior rounds.

Today I made trip #2 to one of the jobs so they could get my fingerprints and of course authorization to run a battery of background checks on me. I have nothing to hide - search away! Just give me the job!

I've done laundry and dishes and taken out the trash and yet it feels like nothing gets done. Yet, every night I have amazing fantasies about how the next day will be THE day where I get up promptly by 8am and by 10am I've finished several loads of laundry - including folding and putting them away so that I'm ready to attack the next task. In this fantasy I'm never tired, I never want to just get a glass of water and sit down for awhile. My back never hurts from leaning, bending, sorting and stretching. I'm never distracted by a phone call or TV show or some far lesser important task that suddenly takes my attention leaving the first task half done - if at all. It's quite the fantasy. And yet each day I think - of course tomorrow is the day. There is no reason it can't happen tomorrow. I suppose this means I'm a bit less of a self-pessimist than I thought considering I at least hoped that it could happen. Every night. And a few mornings.

Speaking of which, tonight is going pretty well. Think I can get to sleep by midnight and already have the alarm set for 7am. There's no reason tomorrow can't be the day...

Of weeds and roses

I spent 3 hours of my life today pulling weeds in my tiny postage stamp of a lawn. I didn't even cover 1/4 of the space. And for parts of the areas I did cover, I had to hit that point where I pulled as many as I could, but had to accept that some of those little tiny buggers were going to have to wait until next time so I could get the bigger ones. I hate that. I want them GONE. But if I took the time to remove every tiny millimeter sized weed that I saw beginning to sprout - by the time I finished the yard they would have started re-growing where I'd started. It's enough to make a girl question why she has a yard in the first place.

Normally taking 3 hours out of my busily frantic "find a job" work day would not be something I'd allow myself to do, but I've been given "conditional" offers from TWO companies in the last 2 days. Both just need me to pass their background checks. Since I have never pursued a life of crime, pay at least most of the bills on time, and have no seriously burnt bridges behind me in employers - I think I'm good. And while these may not be the dream job (Which would involve being payed excessive amounts of money, given a Prius as a company car - though I was never required to go anywhere so I could spend lots of time on wi-fi at a cool coffeehouse, actually working only about 4 hours a day helping the world become more green, and somehow giving me free gym membership and unlimited massages) they are jobs that will help me pay the bills. And in this economy - I figure that's just about a dream come true.

So, I'm going to try to put some of this time to good use. Little organization here. Little landscaping there. Maybe a chance to just pause smell the roses. My first little "smell the roses" mission is to take the leftovers of these crappy generic Cheerios that I just couldn't bear to eat anymore and go feed the ducks at my neighborhood park. Do the walk around the lake a few times to get the heart pumping, and then just enjoy quacking back to the ducks a bit as they fight over my stale cereal. I think that's a win-win.

Keeping my fingers and toes crossed until I get those offer letters!

The Doctor Part 2: You aren't dying...soon

My adventures with the lab tests were interesting. It went from worst to best - though even the worst wasn't so bad. The pelvic ultrasound was in itself easy - but having to drink all that water, not be allowed to pee and then someone wants to press on your tummy is not so fun. The vaginal ultrasound was...unexpected... but not uncomfortable. It was kinda cool to get to see the body's perspective from that angle. So as you can imaging the Mammogram after that was no big deal.

As I leave they tell me they will send my results in the mail. 3 weeks later I'm still waiting. 4 weeks later my Dr. is on vacation so they can't tell me anything. At the beginning of week 5 I get a call from the lab and they want me to come back to do a boob ultrasound. But she has no idea why. Gotta love that. I made the appointment for early the next week, but then asked for a Doctor to call me back with what they were looking for and/or why they needed the follow up test.

Have I mentioned recently how much I appreciate the discounted Cobra this administration pushed through? I thought about it every day while waiting for that letter to arrive...

I have to say, the Doctor who called me back was wonderful. Very informative and very calming. One of his first sentences was "We do not think it is cancer." This is the kind of direct communication I was looking for. Apparently I have dense breast tissue, and they can't really see what they need from a mammogram. He thinks I might have a few cysts, but those are common enough and generally no big deal - but they want to be sure. Again, I appreciate it. I'd rather come in 5 times to be 100% sure than just once for a 85% sure diagnosis.

Final results - I have 2 fibroids on the outside of my uterus, about 12 "nodules" in one boob and about 5 in the other. The fibroids aren't messing with Aunt Flo since they are on the outside, so no rush to deal with anything there. The "nodules" all look like the boring kind that oh so many people get so they aren't concerned - BUT I need to come in every 4 months for the next year for them to do continued follow up to track any growth, movement or changes in shape. Again, I appreciate the level of detail.

So, I can breath well again for now. I may be a bit extra lumpy, but I'm fine. I'm healthy.

And wasn't that the whole point?

:)

The Doctor: Part 1, No good excuses

I've worked on being better to the environment. I've worked on awareness for what I put into my body. I've made good strides in turning that healthy corner. One thing I hadn't done, for almost 4 years, is go to the Dr.

Now, I'm in no way one of those people that fears the Doctor. I like my Doctor and while I'm no fan of needles or giving blood, I would never let that stop me from going. So what has stopped me? Well, first I had no insurance. For about a year my job had no benefits. Then, I went through a series of jobs that had benefits - but required about 18 hours out of each day leaving little time to even think about the Dr, much less make a phone call - and I couldn't imagine taking time out of my busy day for a check up. But now, I certainly have the time. And, thanks to the reduced rate Cobra benefits for the rest of the year, I also have insurance.

My plan had been to go for a basic check up, but when I get there I find out that for a series of different reasons relating to the insurance - I actually need to schedule that as a separate visit. But, she asks me if there is anything particular that I'd like to discuss with her at this appointment. And I did...

I think it's only natural that when a person loses weight they begin to analyze all of their body's parts and sizes a bit more intently than they did before. While doing this sort of pinching, poking and prodding, I felt something that I had not felt before. A bit of a hard lump in my gut. I pulled over The Girlfriend for a comparison and while I felt something there with her, mine seemed bigger. I figured it was period related based on when I felt it. Then, over the next few months I noticed that it wasn't really changing in size based on "that time of the month". Seemed strange, but I figured it wasn't any big deal. I called it "My Tumor" much to The Girlfriend's distaste. She would routinely give the Arnold-esque response "It's not a tumor!". But who has time to check, right?

Recently I realized that while I had not lost any weight or done something to change my perspective on it, My Tumor had gotten a bit bigger. When lying flat on the ground, that side was just a bit higher than the other. It was time to go the Doctor, but I faced the fear that should I go to the Dr, if for any reason my coverage lapsed this would be counted as a pre-existing condition. With no clear job in sight, that it a scary proposition.

"Actually Dr., I have this weird lump I noticed..."

She has me lie down and without me even pointing it out she goes right to it. Next thing I know I'm being referred to get an ultrasound to check it out and she's confirming that I'm all done having children. What?? Um, no, I hadn't started yet. This seems to be a concern for her. The mass is in my uterus which right now feels as if I were 5 months pregnant. She mentions there is likely something that can be done about it if I still really want to have children. We both agree to cross that bridge when we have a better feeling for exactly what is happening.

Next week I will be getting an ultrasound, and my first mammogram.

The Doctor wasn't scared, so I won't be either. That's not to say I'm not anxious. I am.

Fingers crossed.

It all comes out in the end

Not having a job sucks.

Sure, it would be nice to not have a job because I'd recently won the lottery or found out that a mysterious rich uncle left me everything in his will or in some other ridiculous and miraculous way I became independently wealthy. Because of course that would be awesome. But no, this whole none of the income (except the $240/wk from unemployment which is close to nothing, and yet greatly appreciated) all of the bills and twice the guilt thing really sucks.

I'd been putting off a big shopping trip for some time as I was hoping to hear back on a job I interviewed for and a "maybe" contract gig. I figured if I got one of those it would be back to healthy foods and I might even splurge on a few extra organic veggies. Instead I was given a no on the job and a "it's all a waiting game" response from the folks in charge of the hopeful contract gig. So it became cheap food. Now I know that theoretically one can be healthy and be reasonably cheap, but since most of my meals are cooking for two, and ONE of us must have meat with every meal, wont eat eggs, beans or too many veggies it becomes a bit more difficult.

While there were many losses (A great price + Coupon on both frozen pizzas and taquitos) there were a few unexpected wins. My favorite was the toilet paper.

The reason the Toilet paper became the biggest win is because we're on roll #4, and I haven't gotten a complaint yet. And it's recycled. Last time I bought a 4 pack of a particular brand (cough...Nature's brand...cough), I was promptly told to never bring that sorry excuse for toilet paper back into the house. She was a Charmin girl and wanted to stay that way. Let me be honest - this new stuff is NO Charmin. There is a difference by a fair amount. But it's really not too bad. It's like I bought the cheap stuff vs. a name brand. But when using it one doesn't immediately know "hey, this is a green product, right?" which is a good thing. It's also good for keeping my household happy as I didn't just buy a 4 pack, I bought a 24 pack at Costco - quite the gamble.

It's called Earth First Bath Tissue. 100% recycled, 80% Post consumer and whitened without chlorine according to the package. And another cool thing about the package, it says that the plastic wrap holding it all together is "environmentally responsible" because it says "This plastic wrap has a predetermined life span and will expire in 18 months after manufactured date." And the cherry on top of this green TP sundae - it was the same price as the Costco brand (Kirkland) tissue paper so it also made it a good price!

I'm still without job. I'm still trying to straddle healthy and convenient. But I have found my new, greener, toilet paper. A happier, healthier step.

Super Salty

Forgive me blog for I have sinned. It has been far too long since my last confession.

I have been eating cheap instead of healthy. I have been eating low-stress/comfort foods instead of thinking about my food choices. I have been going back to NOT thinking about what I'm eating when it is more important than ever to think about what I eat.

Yesterday I had a good bowl of cereal to start the day, but lunch was a BBQ beef sandwich, potato salad and macaroni and cheese at some cheap BBQ spot, then we went to the movies and had popcorn and icees. Then dinner became Taco Bell, my drive through comfort food of choice, where I ordered poorly and ate it all. Worst of it all, in that whole day I had one bottle of water. One. I tried to correct it once we got home and had a 2 glasses of water - but it was too little too late. I felt the salt rising to the surface as I went to sleep. I woke up this morning feeling that if someone were to lick my arm they could taste the salt just seeping out.

It's before 9am and I'm working on my second glass of water. That was so gross, and I can't let it happen again. I got on the scale and I was at the 200 mark. Blech! I am going to work to flush some of those pounds, hoping that several of them are salt, in the next few days. I know that I can't eat with the same "I don't care what it costs, I have to eat healthy" mantra I had before, but I do need to ensure I'm making the best possible choices when I am able to choose.

I had lots of fun yesterday, but today I just feel gross. I need to remember that.

Bad food + No water = Super Blech.

Mental note.

Work it girl!

I'm going to a Green Networking cocktail hour today. I'm sure I'm less likely to find the job I can't live without than the appetizer I can't live without, but it's certainly worth a try! I'd love to work in a green industry, or even for a company that understands it's impact, and works to bring down their global footprint.

I'm going for the socialization and the appetizers, but more than ever I think I'm actually going to Network. That has always been my greatest weakness. Market your product? Sure! Market myself? Eeek!

But today I have to put it on out there. I might even put on the tinted lip gloss. :)

My button is stuck

It has been too long my friend. I think of you often. But while the thought means something with gifts but nothing with blogs. I'd hit that point in life where the words of my grandmother came back to me - "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

I knew I wanted to post something, but decided to read through old posts for some inspiration. Some reflection of where I was, similar struggles I'd had in the past - that sort of thing. Something to help me put words on where I was right now. Suddenly - there it was. It wasn't a post - it was actually a draft. Something that somehow never got posted. This was written 10/26/8 and when I read it, I felt I could have just written it. With just one exception - I've been laid off again. So, not only am I on "Pause" as I mention below, someone just hit "stop" on my finances. (And isn't this just the perfect time to go looking for a job?) Still, the words below are quite timely...

I think somehow, somewhere someone hit the pause button on my life. Of course, life doesn't actually pause. That would be too easy. And we would notice much faster. But I've been noticing it this week and need to figure out how to get it "un-stuck".

My social life is on pause. I feel like I plan on so many things, but then do so little of it.

My weight is on pause. I suppose I should be happy its not on rewind. And it's nice that I have clothes that fit for these dang business trips - but still, I'd rather be losing weight.

My green-ing of my life has been put on pause in a bad way. Tons of flights, bottled water because you can't take a refillable bottle to the airport and gas driving to and from work each day - almost an hour each direction.

I work, I come home, Watch some TV, work some more, go to sleep, repeat.

I think I'm canceling my gym membership because we haven't gone in months. Well, I went once right before I got this job and I really hoped to make that a habit. But that was the only time either of us have gone in 5 months or so. Wasted cash. Then again, if we cancel I'll feel like I'm giving up on one of my goals. Its tough. That one I've put on pause. Easier to avoid than to have to make a decision.

I need to find my un-pause button. Or play. Heck, a little fast forward wouldn't even hurt. Who has my life's TIVO remote?

Crap, its probably me.

Shoes you can use

I found the most amazing discovery at the drug store near my house. Didn't go looking for them - but there they were.

Shoes.

Now normally I will admit that I tend to favor two specific types of shoes - "How long can I really wear these" heels or nifty All-Stars. This was neither of those. It was a plain brown sandal.

What caught my eye were two of my favorite labels "Made in the USA" and my happy green "Recycle" symbol. Made in the USA and recyclable shoes at Walgreen's? But it gets even better.

- Both the shoes AND the hangers they come on are completely recyclable. Not only are the shoes recyclable in most local facilities, but you can also send them back to the company and they will recycle them into new shoes.

- The shoes are endorsed by the American Chiropractic Association.

- The shoes are antimicrobial and odor resistant (not that anyone has a problem w/ that...)

- To words: Vegan Friendly.

And you now what else - they were darn comfortable. Of course Walgreen's had 2 options, the heels and the flats. Heels = Women's and their label didn't mention the nod from the Chiropractors. Flats = Men's, so of course that's what I got. Then I learn about how they don't leave marks on the floor and how easily they can be put in either a washing machine OR a dishwasher to be cleaned!

On Easter I put these on in the morning and though I meant to change I ended up spending the entire day in them. Even in my awesome All-Stars, which I'd planned to wear that day, my feet start hurting after 4-5 hours of prep and hostessing. But not in these shoes. All night I was comfortable. That has never happened before!

I like to think of these as my first pair of Okabashi's as I will absolutely be getting these again. But next time online so I can get them in girly colors - or maybe ones that I might be able to pull off wearing to work.

Green for earth, healthy for me. Can't ask for more.

1 weekend down, next weekend Easter

Not only have I made it through tracking my first full week - the important part there being the weekend, which I've struggled with - but The Girlfriend has ALSO started tracking on a daily basis. She's weighing food. She's looking up food online. She's entering new items on the website if things aren't listed. She read labels while shopping.

It's like I'm falling in love all over again. :)

If that wasn't enough - I'm losing weight like I just started a new diet. 8 pounds since March 30th. I'm only about 2 pounds from my prior low.

I have not lost sight of the fact that Easter is next weekend, and I leave for the Philippines the next week. I'm tracking through Easter and I think there is a scale in at least one of the gyms so I'm hoping to keep track of my progress. Knowing is 1/2 the battle, right? Hopefully those chocolate crosants will look a bit less interesting if I see I've gained a few pounds.

Already looking forward to coming home to see the progress of my tracking sweetie. :)

Feeling good and then...

Today I hit 197.3. Feeling back on track, eating right and tracking my calories daily.

Today, I was told I'm going back to the Philippines in a few weeks.

I've been telling myself that "next time" I went back it would be different. I'd find a way to be healthy in my food choices. I'd find time to work out in the hotel gyms to make up for the food choices where I had less control. I'd eat more fruit, and less chocolate croissants. [oh heavens...how I love their chocolate croissants...] I'd try to track my calories even with food I had no idea what is was called or what was in it. I'd do my best to find a way.

Now, that time has come. I feel like it's too soon. I'm not really feeling strong about it yet. But - I don't have an option about where I go - only what I eat. I leave the weekend after Easter.

I have few weeks to come up with a plan and find the strength to stick to it.

Crap.

Best ate plans....

If making plans counted, we'd all be thin, fit, rich and have a ton of friends. But let's be honest. They don't.

It's not the thought that counts - it's the gift. Thoughts are extra credit, but only as a percentage of the coolness of the gift itself.

But back to those plans. I had plans. They were good plans. My plan was to have a picnic on the weekend with healthy food and tons of outdoor games, then we'd walk around the whole park and burn off some extra calories. I made the picnic "BYOS" - bring your own sandwich, and we just brought some extra chips and drinks. But then we figured we'd also get a small thing of cookies because there might be kids there. Then we brought fruit for us.

Then we get there and I find out that other folks brought bacon ranch pasta salad, deviled eggs and chicken wings. And by "other folks" I mean The Girlfriend's Aunt. She knows I love deviled eggs. And you know you can't let them just go bad sittng outside... So I had 3ish. And had to at least try a wing. But the the worst thing was how many of these things made it home with us. So we snacked for the rest of the weekend. Never a ton. Just pretty regular snacking.

So after a pretty decent week where I'd seen 197, by Monday morning I was 200 again. Crap. Nice plans, right?

Well, THIS week I'm going to make them happen. We really liked hanging at the park w/ friends. Free and entertaining. Makes you get up and move, even if it was just for the high energy game of croquet. I still moved more than when watching TV. So this week I'm making fruit salad. I'm sticking to only eat what I bring - and the portions I agree on in advance. This time I am going to have the fun without the temptation. And... I'm going to have a talk with The Aunt.

Promise to make this weekend better than the last. Looking forward to my first full healthy week in a long time.