And so begins the downward spiral...

I was doing so good. And then....

BAM! 15-18 hour days including ALL weekend!

BAM! The Girlfriend gets sick and can't cook anything healthy!

BAM! I'm extra hungry due to lack of sleep and stress.

So we ordered pizza. But for only a few bucks more than 1 pizza their special is for 3 so we get 3. And as I'm so busy it becomes Dinner that night, and then lunch and dinner the next.

Tuesday morning, after only about 3.5 hrs of sleep as I'm heading off to the airport I weigh myself - something I hadn't had time to do in 3 days. 194. Fuck!

And then there is traveling....

This is my first time traveling w/ only carry-on luggage. I don't know if I'll be able to do it again. No room for a jacket - sudden thunderstorms my first night. No room for my "healthy" snacks -and no healthy food nearby. No rental car and of course this time I get a suite with a full kitchen.

So tonight, I head out in weather where everyone in the lobby says it looks like a hurricane is coming (hurricane is actually a state over...), with rain starting to come down and winds whipping up a storm, while wearing shorts, a t-shirt and flip flops. I ask about healthy options, but none is in quick walking distance, and how much walking do I need to do in this weather. I end up in a diner and there is nothing close to healthy. I could have done better than this, but I got a big juicy patty melt with fries. As I was finishing my dinner I saw that a nearby table had gotten a huge piece of cake. I have seriously been jonesing for chocolate cake. I gave in and bought some ho-ho's last week to just get a similar taste without buying the whole cake (which may sound strange, but it worked temporarily for far less calories). I immediately wanted it. Badly. So, as I left I got a big piece of chocolate cake - figuring it would be dessert tonight and breakfast tomorrow and I walk home with it firm in that conviction through the pouring rain. Well... it's gone. That thing was SO good! And they have about 8 other varieties of cake (including red velvet that looked SO good) and it's right across the street. But of course tomorrow is a client dinner that is at a southern food restaurant - client picked the location. Nice.

Do airplanes hate me? Is there something in airplane air that destroys all sense of willpower and purpose?

I can't figure it out, but I'm not myself today. Or rather, I'm my old non-healthy self today. Ah.. I remember it well. Not thinking about food. Just getting what looked good. Eating things based on how they tasted, not based on the numbers on the side of the box. Happy times and easy times - but fat times.

Tonight I go to sleep, full of hope (and chocolate cake) that tomorrow will be a slightly happier, dryer and healthier day.

Emotional pizza

As I blow my nose and eat my delivered pizza, I realize that I've only had a single bottle of water today. Right now I'm about as far from healthy as you can get.

And yet this weekend I bought my first size 16 shorts. Well...my first size 16 on the way DOWN vs. on the way up....

I was pretty darn elated about it too. Also, before my trip I bought some size 18 things from a "regular" sized store - not the women's section - and they fit just great. I was almost over the moon on that one. It's one thing to be a "Women's" 18, but to be a regular old 18 was pretty cool. So why am I eating pizza?

Well, I'll tell you. My trip of errors is still not over. While the nausea has subsided, I have been struck with an awful cold/allergies (still not sure what as no medicine is working) and am almost constantly blowing my nose. No other signs, just blowing my nose and lovely sinus drainage. Lovely, don't you think?

So tonight when I was tired generally crabby, but when the idea of ordering Pizza and being lazy in my room made me momentarily happy, I knew I had to jump on it. There hasn't been a lot of happy on this trip. I did my research and found a small mom & pop shop and ordered from there. It wasn't the best pizza ever, but it gave me some happiness.

Emotional eating? You bet. Do I feel bad about it? Heck no.

Perhaps I should. I mean, I did have my oatmeal for breakfast, and a healthy salad for lunch to help sorta balance out the 1/2 a pizza I'm eating for dinner, but I still knowingly made an emotional decision to eat comfort food. I know it isn't good for me. And I know this isn't the way to lose more weight. But today, I just wanted a slice of happy. And for now, I'm ok with that.

I'm also not feeling bad about the 8 pieces of chocolates/fudge that I bought from a local spot out here yesterday. Walked the whole place. I knew I could have gotten much more. But instead I hand picked one of that and two of that and had her put it in a bag. Since yesterday I've had 3 pieces. It makes me a bit happy when I see the bag in the morning. It gives me hope thinking about it waiting for me when I get home. Again, am I making an emotional attachment to food? Well, sort of. I loved the buying of it almost more than the eating of it. (It's not as good as See's Candy back home.) It was so fun to spoil myself with a pedicure and a few hand picked chocolates, followed by dinner with good book. It was a Me evening. And if girl can't give in to a piece of chocolate now and then, what good is she?

When I get home I am going to be SO good again. Lots of water. Tracking my food again. Planing out meals. Getting more exercise. But for now, I'm making the best of a crappy out of town experience. Pizza and chocolate won't make it all better, but for tonight, they certainly do help.

When one door closes...

One week minus 14 hours ago, I was let go. Laid off. No longer need my services. Basically fired as gently as possible. The prior carrot holder had a good enough reason - the group that paid 50% of his income stopped paying. Hard to pay for me when his income drops in half. I get that.

For the last week I've been attempting to balance a healthy attitude in looking for a new job, a healthy food intake (though I'm wanting bad food like no body's business), and making my smallest (earth healthy) dent in extra electricity usage during the day. I stare at the computer. My cat stares at me. I don't put the heat on when I'm cold, I grab a sweater. If the cat is cold she lays in the window to soak up some rays.

So far I'm balancing everything pretty well. Not that I don't fantasize about red velvet cake, Chimichangas, baked macaroni and cheese, fried pork chops, meat loaf, chocolate fountains and other assorted comfort food delights on a regular basis. I just choose to eat an apple instead.

Fingers crossed that I meet my career's Mr. Right.

Soon.

The sweet song of food

For breakfast this morning I really wanted a Mexican omelet with home fries (the fresh kind with onions and green peppers and herbs) and bacon and sausage and a few English muffins. And orange juice.

I ate a small serving of oatmeal.

Between breakfast and lunch time I experienced an endless loop of porn-like orgies of food in my head. Cornish Pasty sounded amazing and there are so many flavor options! Or, a big plate of enchiladas sounded great - sooo cheesy and filling! Maybe my favorite Grilled cheese with Mozzarella, Basil and Tomato from Essence? Or perhaps it's polar opposite - a Big Mac with large hot fries and a *gasp* Coke! Then I remember the cheap Mexican food place and my eyes start slowly rolling back in my head as I picture biting into their gigantic burritos and insanely good and greasy tacos.

For lunch I had a Health Choice frozen meal - Five-Grain Chicken with Plum Sauce for just 310 calories.

I'm not strong. This is not willpower. Willpower would mean that I didn't want those things. Willpower would mean that I didn't stare at the drawer where my purse, and the accompanying car keys were just waiting for me to whisk them to calorie laden food heaven. If it was drive I would have listened to that little voice in my head that said "Eat your lunch and then go walk around the block to get in some extra exercise!"

Screw that little voice.

This is anger. Today it's not drive and determination that kept me on track. It's not willpower that helped me make the right decisions. I'm just pissed.

Three days ago I was 204 and for the last 2 days I have been 206. I partially blame my crap Evil Scale. But in the end, the only person I can be pissed with is me.

Why haven't I been drinking more water? Even though the water filter at work stopped working (The water now tastes like charcoal. Nasty.) I should have either remembered that gallon jug each day or I should have bought a new one at the store. I should have had more at night.

Why aren't I eating more fresh fruit and veggies? 1 meal a day is about all they get. I should be eating them several times a day.

Why have I let myself eat so much sodium? I was shocked when tracking my food on several days to realize how high my sodium had gotten. Why should I be shocked when it was almost all pre-processed food that day? Why didn't I plan better and balance the pre-processed with fresh foods? Heck, why aren't I planning out my meals at all???

Why did I stop tracking my fiber intake? I know that when I stop thinking about it I'm going to slip back to eating less, and yet hear I am averaging about 12-18g a day when I know I should be eating at least 24g.

I wanted that bad food. Wanted it bad. But this wouldn't have been a joyous afternoon delight food fantasy. It would have been a pity fuck.

And that, my little foodie friend, is not going to happen.

Healthy Patriotism

Yesterday was, of course, the gigantic 4th of July food-fest at my house. Mmmm-mmm-mmm the patriotism was a-flowing while the burgers were a-grilling. I'm happy to report that there were actually quite a few political discussions going on in the house. Topic discussed included racism, political candidates, gay marriage, gays in the military, the movie Sicko, and the legal requirements to move out of the country. We even had some more healthy dinner choices. Sure, we had ribs, burgers and hot dogs, but the hot dogs were Hebrew National and some of the burgers were turkey! And of course we had the baked macaroni salad and the yummy corn casserole - but we ALSO had roasted vegetables, low-fat slaw, broccoli-slaw salad (Called Olympia salad though I have no idea why) and some other inventive veggie salad options such as wilted cucumber salad. We had a vegetarian friend over who brought his own veggie dogs, and with respect for him everyone was aware to ensure that most of the sides were veggie friendly (watching out for those hidden ingredients).

Yes, we had a little bit of everything. And not just the food. Our crowd represented White, Black, Hispanic, Bi-racial, Male, Female, American, Canadian, Gay, Bisexual, Straight, Single, Partnered, Divorced, Senior, Adult, Teen, Pre-Schooler, Vegetarian, South Beach Diet, Weight Watchers Diet, "See Food" Diet and many more combinations if we looked a bit deeper. But our commonalities were even greater. Friendship - and great food.

*** *** ***

And at the end of the party, as I was feeling the environmental guilt after taking out a full 30 gallon bag of trash from plates, cups and napkins, and emptying the recycle container - I noticed that there were a few folks attempting to pack up their empty dishes. This would never do. It was time to institute a new tradition. BYOT - Bring your own Tupperware. Or Plasticware. Everyone at our parties are encouraged to "take a plate" as there are far too many left overs. Most folks put this on a paper plate and cover it with foil. Our next invitation will encourage them to bring one or more small containers to take their "leftovers" home with them. I'm also tempted to tell them to all bring their own plate and forks too - but I think that might be pushing it.

I have decided that I need to look into investing in some cheap but durable re-usable plates. We do these big meals at least 4 times a year - so this could be a great investment, and a great way to reduce our annual trash output. It just might be time to sell that stock in Chinet....

Apparenly stress likes Burger King?

Ya know how I said no more fast food? That died today. The culprit? Emotional eating.

Feeling stressed. Uber bad day. In a rush. Nothing going right. Running late. Feeling out of control. Everything is going wrong.

And then I'm hungry.

Sooooo... I drive through Burger King on the way back to work. It took care of lunch and did calm me down - but it kinda pissed me off that it worked. I feel like now that I'm realizing it's an emotional thing - I should be able to rise above it. Oh well. If Oprah, with her personal chefs, personal assistants and limitless funds, still eats out of emotion - I don't feel quite as bad. BUT - it doesn't solve the fact that I can't keep doing this. [Side note: While Oprah can't solve her own eating issues, she sure is talking about it! They are doing some thing called "Get with the program" (I'm sure this is yelled several times to the audience's loud applause.) that takes you through the many steps of "the program". There are many on emotional eating. This one - talking about stress induced emotional eating is my favorite. You want me to write it in my journal? Sure - one more thing to think about and stress about when I forget or get behind. I don't think so.]

Another bad thing about my day? Almost an hour spent driving basically without purpose for an hour (with escalating stress by the minute of course) in my non-gas friendly car.

Today was not green. Today was not healthy. Today was more Bust than Healthy.

--------in w/ the good air----out with the bad-------whooooooooooooooo............--------

Tomorrow I leave for camp. A church camp were I'll be a counselor for 5 little girls, aged 8-10. Days filled with fun and panic. Nights filled with quiet and exhaustion. As nervous as I may be in that I've never done this before, I am looking forward to it very much. Re-connecting with nature and children. Our world, our future. That is the best motivation ever to be green and live healthy.

Its time for a little recalibration of the old internal circuits.

I look forward to it.

Fast Food, Fast Fat

I ate McDonald's today.

McDonald's isn't good for the environment. McDonald's isn't good for me. McDonald's didn't even taste that great. But McDonald's was there when I was rushed and had no time left and had to get back to the office. And I really really wanted a big super cold Coke. With a McDonald's sized straw. Phoenix in June. It's hot. These are not excuses. I could have at least gotten a salad - but I got a Fish. I decided to see just how bad I'd been.

So, based on the lovely McDonald's Nutritional Facts I realized that I just ate about 1260 calories of which 48 grams were fat. How is that even possible? I was still a bit hungry afterwards. Not that I finished the fries, but somehow I don't think that will make enough of a difference. I just can't do that anymore. Even when it's hot. Even when I have a craving. That is just insane. When did it become ok to have that many calories in one meal??? And not even a fancy meal! And not even including dessert!

Fast food scares me.

Tomorrow I'm thinking spinach salad for lunch. Brought from home.

Heck of a day 1

I had such great plans. Go home from work. Healthy dinner of grilled meat tacos with lots of veggies followed up by a quick trip to the YMCA for a good 45 minutes of cardio.

And then life happened. It happened ALL over my night. I didn't leave work until 7 when I normally get out at 5. I was SO hungry since I hadn't eaten since 11:30. K was curled up in a ball on our sofa with cramps which meant both that she had no interest in going to the gym and she wanted some comfort food. So my night became Drive through at KFC, Boneless chicken wings, fries and a root beer for dinner. And watching 3 hour long shows from our DVR.

What the heck happened? I found myself thinking about that as I was in line at KFC. I had such plans. Unhealthy dinner followed by almost 3 hours (we fast-forward commercials of course) of sitting on the sofa. I did sit on the floor and stretch for awhile. But nothing big.

Positive thoughts and Lessons for the day? Of 3 meals, only 1 was unhealthy. Actually ate 3 meals and 1 healthy snack. Not too bad. I didn't eat late at night. I brought home my tuna can, salad container, yogurt container and 2 paper bags from things I did/ate at work to go into my recycle can.

How can I be better? I need to find healthier options at our favorite food places because if I'm going to give in to temptation, at least it should be for the lesser of all evils on the menu. I need to find things I can do, by myself, at the house to work out. Try to find those old work out videos or decide if I feel comfortable walking around the neighborhood alone.