The sweet song of food

For breakfast this morning I really wanted a Mexican omelet with home fries (the fresh kind with onions and green peppers and herbs) and bacon and sausage and a few English muffins. And orange juice.

I ate a small serving of oatmeal.

Between breakfast and lunch time I experienced an endless loop of porn-like orgies of food in my head. Cornish Pasty sounded amazing and there are so many flavor options! Or, a big plate of enchiladas sounded great - sooo cheesy and filling! Maybe my favorite Grilled cheese with Mozzarella, Basil and Tomato from Essence? Or perhaps it's polar opposite - a Big Mac with large hot fries and a *gasp* Coke! Then I remember the cheap Mexican food place and my eyes start slowly rolling back in my head as I picture biting into their gigantic burritos and insanely good and greasy tacos.

For lunch I had a Health Choice frozen meal - Five-Grain Chicken with Plum Sauce for just 310 calories.

I'm not strong. This is not willpower. Willpower would mean that I didn't want those things. Willpower would mean that I didn't stare at the drawer where my purse, and the accompanying car keys were just waiting for me to whisk them to calorie laden food heaven. If it was drive I would have listened to that little voice in my head that said "Eat your lunch and then go walk around the block to get in some extra exercise!"

Screw that little voice.

This is anger. Today it's not drive and determination that kept me on track. It's not willpower that helped me make the right decisions. I'm just pissed.

Three days ago I was 204 and for the last 2 days I have been 206. I partially blame my crap Evil Scale. But in the end, the only person I can be pissed with is me.

Why haven't I been drinking more water? Even though the water filter at work stopped working (The water now tastes like charcoal. Nasty.) I should have either remembered that gallon jug each day or I should have bought a new one at the store. I should have had more at night.

Why aren't I eating more fresh fruit and veggies? 1 meal a day is about all they get. I should be eating them several times a day.

Why have I let myself eat so much sodium? I was shocked when tracking my food on several days to realize how high my sodium had gotten. Why should I be shocked when it was almost all pre-processed food that day? Why didn't I plan better and balance the pre-processed with fresh foods? Heck, why aren't I planning out my meals at all???

Why did I stop tracking my fiber intake? I know that when I stop thinking about it I'm going to slip back to eating less, and yet hear I am averaging about 12-18g a day when I know I should be eating at least 24g.

I wanted that bad food. Wanted it bad. But this wouldn't have been a joyous afternoon delight food fantasy. It would have been a pity fuck.

And that, my little foodie friend, is not going to happen.