...and she don't care.
The ticket was for the roller coaster of life, with it's ups and downs, twists, turns and loop-de-loops. I got the ticket. I am riding the train. Sure parts are exciting, but it doesn't take long before she just don't care. She'd like to care, but she's just too dang tired!
You have to pick your battles. I've always said I live by that. Sometimes they battles change from day to day or even hour to hour. Since accepting the new job my goal is keeping the job. They know I'm overworked. They say help is on the way. The Girlfriend is starting to refer to me as her Roomie as she doesn't see me enough to be anything beyond that. She calls the office "My other house". At work there is only work. There is no personal email so I get no daily Ideal Bites. No mental breaks surfing for things on etsy or researching awesome charities like ___ to use as gifts this holiday season. No, there is practically no personal Internet access. And even if there was, heavens knows there isn't the time. The last few days I've started my first call at 6:30am and I'm not leaving the office to come home until 10pm.
I could be frustrated. I could get angry. I could cry (if I was that kind of girl). I could do many emotional things. But I don't. I just don't have the time.
I also don't have the time to track my calories, make fresh food for dinner each night, go shopping for healthy food, and I certainly don't have time to go to the gym or even walk around the neighborhood. I've also found myself slacking off on even the simplest of things. I'm burning though plastic flatware at work because I don't have time to wash and re-use. And hard as this is to admit, I have had a few days where I'm too tired to clean a container that needs to be recycled, so it goes in the garbage.
Guess who's gone back to eating out/picking up/driving through far too often? Far, far too often. I have complained how healthy food costs so much, but I have to say going out to eat this often is more expensive that I'd remembered.
I gained weight again - going back to the higher 190's. But I caught and corrected myself. I make sure my lunch (and often dinner) options, while frozen, are healthier. I try to keep a few pieces of fruit at my desk at all times. I upgraded to a larger water cup so there will be less times without water. I'm bringing the number back down, but I won't make my goal of being a size lower by the end of the year. But I MIGHT still be able to make my goal of being in the 180's. 189 totally counts.
I'm exhausted every day, but I haven't forgotten the joy of seeing a lower number on the scale. And I haven't given up on making a dent in my ecological footprint. I've just had to pick my battles. Right now my battle is making everyone NOT see quite how exhausted I am as I move from day to day. And drinking more water. That's about it. And that - is good enough.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Time to say good-bye
Dear Mr. Evil Scale,
You and I have been through some serious ups and downs in this last year. You gave me hope and encouragement. You also gave me dire warnings about straying from the path. You also seriously screwed with my head.
You have come with me from house to house over the years - never given the love you craved as I pushed you into the corner of the bathroom where my cat would often walk over you after getting out of her popper and trail kitty litter from her paws across your face. For that, I am truly sorry.
This is very difficult to me, as you know I don't like change unless it comes in the shape of a lower number, but I think it is time for us to part ways.
You see, over the last week I've gone up and down up to 4 lbs from one day to the next. I know there were several unexpected food choices that led to me going astray here and there but 4lbs in a day?
I'm sorry. This isn't about blame.
It's not you. It's me.
You've given me all you can. From oh so many years ago when I picked you up from a Target at the end of the aisle because I was just curious and figured I should know where I was. When I would not get on you for more than 6 months at a time I'm sure you thought I'd abandoned you. And then this last year to get on you at least once every single day - I'm sure you felt comparatively abused.
I need more than you have to give. Years ago I didn't want for anything more than your digital numbers. It was all I needed. But now my needs have changed. I want decimal points. I want water weight. I want fat percentages. It's me who's changed - not you.
Yes. It's true. You have been replaced. I haven't gotten the nerve to tell you to your face so your replacement is still boxed in the living room. I don't want to cause a scene.
Know that I couldn't have made it through this last year without you. I've appreciated everything you've done - including the tough love. It has helped put me back on track many, many times.
While our relationship will end, I am hopeful you will go on for a long and fruitful life. I'm giving you opportunities at a garage sale to find your new special someone, and if that isn't fruitful, I'll make sure you get placed in a nice goodwill location so your next love can be some skinny thing that loves you from day one.
I'm sorry it didn't work out between us, but I continue to wish you the best in your future endeavors.
Thank you.
You and I have been through some serious ups and downs in this last year. You gave me hope and encouragement. You also gave me dire warnings about straying from the path. You also seriously screwed with my head.
You have come with me from house to house over the years - never given the love you craved as I pushed you into the corner of the bathroom where my cat would often walk over you after getting out of her popper and trail kitty litter from her paws across your face. For that, I am truly sorry.
This is very difficult to me, as you know I don't like change unless it comes in the shape of a lower number, but I think it is time for us to part ways.
You see, over the last week I've gone up and down up to 4 lbs from one day to the next. I know there were several unexpected food choices that led to me going astray here and there but 4lbs in a day?
I'm sorry. This isn't about blame.
It's not you. It's me.
You've given me all you can. From oh so many years ago when I picked you up from a Target at the end of the aisle because I was just curious and figured I should know where I was. When I would not get on you for more than 6 months at a time I'm sure you thought I'd abandoned you. And then this last year to get on you at least once every single day - I'm sure you felt comparatively abused.
I need more than you have to give. Years ago I didn't want for anything more than your digital numbers. It was all I needed. But now my needs have changed. I want decimal points. I want water weight. I want fat percentages. It's me who's changed - not you.
Yes. It's true. You have been replaced. I haven't gotten the nerve to tell you to your face so your replacement is still boxed in the living room. I don't want to cause a scene.
Know that I couldn't have made it through this last year without you. I've appreciated everything you've done - including the tough love. It has helped put me back on track many, many times.
While our relationship will end, I am hopeful you will go on for a long and fruitful life. I'm giving you opportunities at a garage sale to find your new special someone, and if that isn't fruitful, I'll make sure you get placed in a nice goodwill location so your next love can be some skinny thing that loves you from day one.
I'm sorry it didn't work out between us, but I continue to wish you the best in your future endeavors.
Thank you.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Mama wants a Volt
Oh my.
Oh my oh my.
Words that I never thought would escape my lips.
I want a Chevy.
Now long ago, one of the reasons I picked a Dodge Neon over a Honda was that it was an American car maker. (The biggest reason of course was that apparently I had no financially strong role model telling me to buy the frickin' Honda that I could have still been driving today because they last forever...) I've always been pro-American product whenever there is an option for an equal product at a similar price produced in America. With the Chevy Volt though, it's not just Equal - it looks better! 40 miles for no gas at all!!! Then, only limited gas used to power the electric engine after the 40 miles. I thought this was amazing until I saw an interview with the president of GM who explained that one of the options is a roof that will allow the car's electric engine to RE-CHARGE while you're busy at work or out power shopping!!! How awesome is that??? Drive TO work using electricity pulled from my house. Drive home from work using the power of the sun!
I'm a bit overwhelmed.
As much as I want a new Chevy Volt, it's not going to happen for a long time. First, it's not going to be available for several more years. Then, unfortunately, that price is a bit steep. I have a little "Mama wants a Prius" jar at home and the $38.74 saved in there hasn't gotten me any closer to that $23K car than I was when I started. How the heck am I going to get a $40K car???
Well, it's a beautiful dream. And it's great to know that the option is even going to be out there for folks! Even if it is for folks with more cash-o-la than me. A few less gas guzzling cars of the road is always a good thing. Maybe by 2015 there will be some good Electric car competition to bring those prices down. I'll cross my fingers.
Speaking of being green with your cars, I just did the most green thing I could do at quite a financial price. I fixed my current car instead of buying a new one. Timing belt, Water Pump, Struts, Breaks, New battery, Tune up, Oil change and a few other "Parts" that make things run more smoothly. $2300 later (not counting the interest I'll be paying on that credit card), I know that I've made the most Green decision I can. Keeping the car vs. sending it to the junker. Fricking Expensive, but Green. Could have been a down payment on a Prius, but no... I made the GREEN decision to keep my current car.
Gotta love that Green car smell. It's like oil, grease, Febreeze and just the faintest touch of sadness. And it's expensive, but worth it.
Just like the Volt.
Oh my oh my.
Words that I never thought would escape my lips.
I want a Chevy.
Now long ago, one of the reasons I picked a Dodge Neon over a Honda was that it was an American car maker. (The biggest reason of course was that apparently I had no financially strong role model telling me to buy the frickin' Honda that I could have still been driving today because they last forever...) I've always been pro-American product whenever there is an option for an equal product at a similar price produced in America. With the Chevy Volt though, it's not just Equal - it looks better! 40 miles for no gas at all!!! Then, only limited gas used to power the electric engine after the 40 miles. I thought this was amazing until I saw an interview with the president of GM who explained that one of the options is a roof that will allow the car's electric engine to RE-CHARGE while you're busy at work or out power shopping!!! How awesome is that??? Drive TO work using electricity pulled from my house. Drive home from work using the power of the sun!
I'm a bit overwhelmed.
As much as I want a new Chevy Volt, it's not going to happen for a long time. First, it's not going to be available for several more years. Then, unfortunately, that price is a bit steep. I have a little "Mama wants a Prius" jar at home and the $38.74 saved in there hasn't gotten me any closer to that $23K car than I was when I started. How the heck am I going to get a $40K car???
Well, it's a beautiful dream. And it's great to know that the option is even going to be out there for folks! Even if it is for folks with more cash-o-la than me. A few less gas guzzling cars of the road is always a good thing. Maybe by 2015 there will be some good Electric car competition to bring those prices down. I'll cross my fingers.
Speaking of being green with your cars, I just did the most green thing I could do at quite a financial price. I fixed my current car instead of buying a new one. Timing belt, Water Pump, Struts, Breaks, New battery, Tune up, Oil change and a few other "Parts" that make things run more smoothly. $2300 later (not counting the interest I'll be paying on that credit card), I know that I've made the most Green decision I can. Keeping the car vs. sending it to the junker. Fricking Expensive, but Green. Could have been a down payment on a Prius, but no... I made the GREEN decision to keep my current car.
Gotta love that Green car smell. It's like oil, grease, Febreeze and just the faintest touch of sadness. And it's expensive, but worth it.
Just like the Volt.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
The impossible dream
Dear heavens it's been a month and a half. Where the heck did the time go? For a while there it all went to my waist. And my hips. And my ass. Of course, not my boobs. First to go, last to come back... But I digress...
Do you remember that dream I had? That dream that I thought had been realized? I dreamed a simple dream - working at home. Able to eat healthy. No drive through or "home baked" temptations. Saving gas and being good to the environment. More time at home since I wouldn't be driving so I could take more time to make dinners and go to the gym. It was a beautiful dream. Then, I got the job that allowed me to work from home. Everything seemed so beautiful. At least, for the first week.
Since then it's been an endless cycle of hell. I worked an average of 14 hours a day. That doesn't include the late night calls I might get until about 12:30am Eastern Time. My "short" days, of which I think I've gotten maybe 4 in the last 4 months, were 12 hour days. Working by 3:30am on Monday and 4am every other day of the week means going to sleep by 9:30pm which pretty much kills all chances of a decent social life - especially since I'm working until 7pm and haven't gotten to shower yet that day. Whew.... In with the good air... out with the bad....
Last week I accepted a position at a new company. I'll be driving to and from work about 45 min to an hour each way. Good for the environment? Not really. But ya know what, I think this one is going to be SO much healthier for ME! Sorry Earth - it's time to be a little bit selfish if you want me to make it through to encourage folks to recycle for another day!
Now, as to a weight update. When last we left I was at 194 Pre-Travels. Well, after a week in Atlanta and their awesome southern cooking (and mandatory dinners with the clients), I came home at 198. I was pissed with myself. I let myself be angry, then I tried to clean it up. But tracking my food on TDP seemed like the BIGGEST chore! It wasn't really - but I was so stressed with work, anything not 100% required was too, too much. I've been slowly bringing it back in August even without tracking, but I knew that to "take it to the next level" I needed to start tracking. Today is my 3rd day of tracking with TDP again and I'm back at 191 - my prior low number. I'm glad to be there, and focused for what is to come.
You see, with this new job I'll be doing some traveling in the next month. I'll be in the Philippines for a few weeks. How much luck do you think I'll have in finding the calorie content of the hotel food to track it? Or some street vendor? How about the translation issues of having to ask those "is this healthy" kind of questions? Well, it will be tough, but I know I want to balance being healthy with giving in to try a few special things as they may present themselves. After all, weight loss is a goal - but enjoying the journey is mandatory!
So, my short term goal is to be in the 180's by the time I leave for the trip. This isn't much of course - just 2 lbs would get me there. May not seem like much, but I haven't been in the 180's since I was in my early 20's. And yes, that WAS a long time ago.
Next I have a new happy hurdle! I realized today that once I am at 185 lbs, just 7 lbs from today, I will have lost 50 lbs. in total. How HUGE is that? Seems insane to me! ME? Lose 50 lbs? Are you kidding? NOPE!
New job. New goal. New motivation. And most importantly - new post to talk about it!
It won't be a month and a half until you hear from me again. I'll have too many good things going on to not share them with the world! Or at least the 2-3 folks who read this from time to time.... :)
Do you remember that dream I had? That dream that I thought had been realized? I dreamed a simple dream - working at home. Able to eat healthy. No drive through or "home baked" temptations. Saving gas and being good to the environment. More time at home since I wouldn't be driving so I could take more time to make dinners and go to the gym. It was a beautiful dream. Then, I got the job that allowed me to work from home. Everything seemed so beautiful. At least, for the first week.
Since then it's been an endless cycle of hell. I worked an average of 14 hours a day. That doesn't include the late night calls I might get until about 12:30am Eastern Time. My "short" days, of which I think I've gotten maybe 4 in the last 4 months, were 12 hour days. Working by 3:30am on Monday and 4am every other day of the week means going to sleep by 9:30pm which pretty much kills all chances of a decent social life - especially since I'm working until 7pm and haven't gotten to shower yet that day. Whew.... In with the good air... out with the bad....
Last week I accepted a position at a new company. I'll be driving to and from work about 45 min to an hour each way. Good for the environment? Not really. But ya know what, I think this one is going to be SO much healthier for ME! Sorry Earth - it's time to be a little bit selfish if you want me to make it through to encourage folks to recycle for another day!
Now, as to a weight update. When last we left I was at 194 Pre-Travels. Well, after a week in Atlanta and their awesome southern cooking (and mandatory dinners with the clients), I came home at 198. I was pissed with myself. I let myself be angry, then I tried to clean it up. But tracking my food on TDP seemed like the BIGGEST chore! It wasn't really - but I was so stressed with work, anything not 100% required was too, too much. I've been slowly bringing it back in August even without tracking, but I knew that to "take it to the next level" I needed to start tracking. Today is my 3rd day of tracking with TDP again and I'm back at 191 - my prior low number. I'm glad to be there, and focused for what is to come.
You see, with this new job I'll be doing some traveling in the next month. I'll be in the Philippines for a few weeks. How much luck do you think I'll have in finding the calorie content of the hotel food to track it? Or some street vendor? How about the translation issues of having to ask those "is this healthy" kind of questions? Well, it will be tough, but I know I want to balance being healthy with giving in to try a few special things as they may present themselves. After all, weight loss is a goal - but enjoying the journey is mandatory!
So, my short term goal is to be in the 180's by the time I leave for the trip. This isn't much of course - just 2 lbs would get me there. May not seem like much, but I haven't been in the 180's since I was in my early 20's. And yes, that WAS a long time ago.
Next I have a new happy hurdle! I realized today that once I am at 185 lbs, just 7 lbs from today, I will have lost 50 lbs. in total. How HUGE is that? Seems insane to me! ME? Lose 50 lbs? Are you kidding? NOPE!
New job. New goal. New motivation. And most importantly - new post to talk about it!
It won't be a month and a half until you hear from me again. I'll have too many good things going on to not share them with the world! Or at least the 2-3 folks who read this from time to time.... :)
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
And so begins the downward spiral...
I was doing so good. And then....
BAM! 15-18 hour days including ALL weekend!
BAM! The Girlfriend gets sick and can't cook anything healthy!
BAM! I'm extra hungry due to lack of sleep and stress.
So we ordered pizza. But for only a few bucks more than 1 pizza their special is for 3 so we get 3. And as I'm so busy it becomes Dinner that night, and then lunch and dinner the next.
Tuesday morning, after only about 3.5 hrs of sleep as I'm heading off to the airport I weigh myself - something I hadn't had time to do in 3 days. 194. Fuck!
And then there is traveling....
This is my first time traveling w/ only carry-on luggage. I don't know if I'll be able to do it again. No room for a jacket - sudden thunderstorms my first night. No room for my "healthy" snacks -and no healthy food nearby. No rental car and of course this time I get a suite with a full kitchen.
So tonight, I head out in weather where everyone in the lobby says it looks like a hurricane is coming (hurricane is actually a state over...), with rain starting to come down and winds whipping up a storm, while wearing shorts, a t-shirt and flip flops. I ask about healthy options, but none is in quick walking distance, and how much walking do I need to do in this weather. I end up in a diner and there is nothing close to healthy. I could have done better than this, but I got a big juicy patty melt with fries. As I was finishing my dinner I saw that a nearby table had gotten a huge piece of cake. I have seriously been jonesing for chocolate cake. I gave in and bought some ho-ho's last week to just get a similar taste without buying the whole cake (which may sound strange, but it worked temporarily for far less calories). I immediately wanted it. Badly. So, as I left I got a big piece of chocolate cake - figuring it would be dessert tonight and breakfast tomorrow and I walk home with it firm in that conviction through the pouring rain. Well... it's gone. That thing was SO good! And they have about 8 other varieties of cake (including red velvet that looked SO good) and it's right across the street. But of course tomorrow is a client dinner that is at a southern food restaurant - client picked the location. Nice.
Do airplanes hate me? Is there something in airplane air that destroys all sense of willpower and purpose?
I can't figure it out, but I'm not myself today. Or rather, I'm my old non-healthy self today. Ah.. I remember it well. Not thinking about food. Just getting what looked good. Eating things based on how they tasted, not based on the numbers on the side of the box. Happy times and easy times - but fat times.
Tonight I go to sleep, full of hope (and chocolate cake) that tomorrow will be a slightly happier, dryer and healthier day.
BAM! 15-18 hour days including ALL weekend!
BAM! The Girlfriend gets sick and can't cook anything healthy!
BAM! I'm extra hungry due to lack of sleep and stress.
So we ordered pizza. But for only a few bucks more than 1 pizza their special is for 3 so we get 3. And as I'm so busy it becomes Dinner that night, and then lunch and dinner the next.
Tuesday morning, after only about 3.5 hrs of sleep as I'm heading off to the airport I weigh myself - something I hadn't had time to do in 3 days. 194. Fuck!
And then there is traveling....
This is my first time traveling w/ only carry-on luggage. I don't know if I'll be able to do it again. No room for a jacket - sudden thunderstorms my first night. No room for my "healthy" snacks -and no healthy food nearby. No rental car and of course this time I get a suite with a full kitchen.
So tonight, I head out in weather where everyone in the lobby says it looks like a hurricane is coming (hurricane is actually a state over...), with rain starting to come down and winds whipping up a storm, while wearing shorts, a t-shirt and flip flops. I ask about healthy options, but none is in quick walking distance, and how much walking do I need to do in this weather. I end up in a diner and there is nothing close to healthy. I could have done better than this, but I got a big juicy patty melt with fries. As I was finishing my dinner I saw that a nearby table had gotten a huge piece of cake. I have seriously been jonesing for chocolate cake. I gave in and bought some ho-ho's last week to just get a similar taste without buying the whole cake (which may sound strange, but it worked temporarily for far less calories). I immediately wanted it. Badly. So, as I left I got a big piece of chocolate cake - figuring it would be dessert tonight and breakfast tomorrow and I walk home with it firm in that conviction through the pouring rain. Well... it's gone. That thing was SO good! And they have about 8 other varieties of cake (including red velvet that looked SO good) and it's right across the street. But of course tomorrow is a client dinner that is at a southern food restaurant - client picked the location. Nice.
Do airplanes hate me? Is there something in airplane air that destroys all sense of willpower and purpose?
I can't figure it out, but I'm not myself today. Or rather, I'm my old non-healthy self today. Ah.. I remember it well. Not thinking about food. Just getting what looked good. Eating things based on how they tasted, not based on the numbers on the side of the box. Happy times and easy times - but fat times.
Tonight I go to sleep, full of hope (and chocolate cake) that tomorrow will be a slightly happier, dryer and healthier day.
Monday, July 14, 2008
5 down, oh so many to go...
I am a bad, bad girl.
Bad. Bad Girl.
How could it have been 2 weeks since my last post? I know life is a bit of a blur these days, but there are so many times that I meant to post something that somehow I feel that at least one of those should have counted and turned into a real post but I suppose that's not really how it happens now is it? Oh, if only that were the only way I was bad.
It's been well documented that I've been eating crap. Crap, crap and more crap. Crap-o-la. I tried to toss in at least one healthy meal a day, but that was quickly taken over by sudden cravings for Doritos or chocolate or Pizza. And I gave in. I was weak. One weak behavior begot another and it never quite seemed like it was "time" to go 100% back to being healthy.
And then Mr. Scale showed me 197.
But I wasn't mad at Mr. Scale - I was mad at myself. I did it all to myself. I could have been in the 170's by now if I'd kept up with it and instead I let myself not just be dormant, but actually gain back a few pounds through sloppy eating choices. To suddenly see 3 pounds away from the dreaded 200 was enough to get me off my butt. That was July 9th. I started tracking my calories again on TDP immediately. Even though with the new job I had "no time" I knew I had to find the time. I had to make it happen.
Turns out, my body didn't really want that extra weight. Through normal healthy eating I've been really surprised at the results.
July 9 - 197
July 11 - 196
July 12 - 194
July 13 - 193
July 14 - 192
Fine - tell me it's water weight. Tell me it's whatever you want to call it. All I know is I'm down 5lbs in less than a week so I'm over the moon.
My next challenge? I go out of town in a week, and I've always allowed myself to make less than ideal food decisions when traveling for work. This time it will have the additional challenge of a) Being in Atlanta where I hear the food is amazing and b) Being car-less so all my food must be within walking distance. No fridge, no microwave, no grocery store.
In my ideal world I'd have one suitcase just for bottled water, fruit, 100 calorie snacks and of course Mr. Evil Scale. Hmmm... do they make traveling scales? Perhaps it's time to give Mr. Scale a friend...
Bad. Bad Girl.
How could it have been 2 weeks since my last post? I know life is a bit of a blur these days, but there are so many times that I meant to post something that somehow I feel that at least one of those should have counted and turned into a real post but I suppose that's not really how it happens now is it? Oh, if only that were the only way I was bad.
It's been well documented that I've been eating crap. Crap, crap and more crap. Crap-o-la. I tried to toss in at least one healthy meal a day, but that was quickly taken over by sudden cravings for Doritos or chocolate or Pizza. And I gave in. I was weak. One weak behavior begot another and it never quite seemed like it was "time" to go 100% back to being healthy.
And then Mr. Scale showed me 197.
But I wasn't mad at Mr. Scale - I was mad at myself. I did it all to myself. I could have been in the 170's by now if I'd kept up with it and instead I let myself not just be dormant, but actually gain back a few pounds through sloppy eating choices. To suddenly see 3 pounds away from the dreaded 200 was enough to get me off my butt. That was July 9th. I started tracking my calories again on TDP immediately. Even though with the new job I had "no time" I knew I had to find the time. I had to make it happen.
Turns out, my body didn't really want that extra weight. Through normal healthy eating I've been really surprised at the results.
July 9 - 197
July 11 - 196
July 12 - 194
July 13 - 193
July 14 - 192
Fine - tell me it's water weight. Tell me it's whatever you want to call it. All I know is I'm down 5lbs in less than a week so I'm over the moon.
My next challenge? I go out of town in a week, and I've always allowed myself to make less than ideal food decisions when traveling for work. This time it will have the additional challenge of a) Being in Atlanta where I hear the food is amazing and b) Being car-less so all my food must be within walking distance. No fridge, no microwave, no grocery store.
In my ideal world I'd have one suitcase just for bottled water, fruit, 100 calorie snacks and of course Mr. Evil Scale. Hmmm... do they make traveling scales? Perhaps it's time to give Mr. Scale a friend...
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