I've had several comments over the last week about how thin I'm looking. While I think this is a hilarious farce of reality - I accept that it is all said with love from my friends to whom the thin and/or skinny references simply mean "less than before". Were I to actually show up suddenly skinny on the doorstep of any of my friends I believe they would all hold me down until the ambulance could arrive - that is, if they could even recognize me.
But as I was saying oh, so subtly, I'm not skinny. I'm not thin. But I think I'm finally "showing" that I've lost some weight. The Girlfriend was reading my friend's blog the other day and when looking at an older post she saw a picture of me and actually called me into the room to talk about it. She said that while she knew I'd lost weight, and she sees it in all the right places (cough, cough) she hadn't really looked at a picture of me from before the weight loss. She had me sit near the desk so she could look back and forth and said it was pretty shocking. When I looked at it - I can honestly say I saw it too. It wasn't as "oh my goodness" as it was for her, but there was clearly a difference. For the better. That was nice.
I'm still a "big girl". I still feel like I've lost so relatively little that it's not even worth mentioning half the time. Like taking 2 bites out of a foot long sandwich - there's still a LOT more where that came from. (Of course a food reference from the fat girl...) But, even I feel different about being able to say I've lost 40 lbs than I did about say 25. 40 lbs is SOMETHING. 40 lbs is something you see listed on magazine covers. It's something that you'd be really impressed with if it was someone else. But in this case it's not. It's just me. Me - 40 lbs lighter than when I started.
Makes me feel a bit lighter just thinking about it. Wonder how I'll feel after I've lost the next 40? Personally, being less than 180 seems so almost unrealistic. I can hardly even push to imagine what being 160 will be like. Seems so far away. Sort of like when I was imagining what it would be like to be under 200. But here I am....
Dreaming the impossible dream. Fighting the unwinnable foe and, oh so slowly, winning.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Feeling it again
My focus was gone. But it is back. It is so back.
I am feeling the bones in my hands in a new way when I wash my hands. The other day it hit me that it felt "different". My first mental image was that I was washing someone else's hands. They were so... skeletal? I'm still fat for sure, but my hands felt downright dainty.
That same day when washing my face in the shower I really "felt" my jaw line and cheek bones. Was it my gently diminishing face or my newly skeletal hands?
And last week I had my arms crossed and it hit me that the meaty part of my arm right below my elbow felt much smaller. I still had tons to squeeze of course, but it felt a bit mushier. More on it's way out than previously.
Yesterday, it was something new. My upper legs. Siting in a, well, familiar seat were one often sits without pants I was struck that something looked "different". It was my fat. My fat looked different in my upper leg. Less all one chunk, and a bit more loose and ready to move. It's a pattern I've noticed in other parts of my body. First, the fat "loosens up" a bit - then it just goes away. Well, it at least changes a bit. Still fat. Still clear on that. Still have miles and miles to go. But I have a few less steps. Today is my 3rd day at 194. Ya know what that means? 40 pounds. That is so insane to me. Completely unrealistic. Almost as bizarre as how lose my pants have become. I never would have believed it was possible.
I slipped. I lost focus. I never gave up, and I'm actually pretty proud of that. I just temporarily took my eye off the ball.
It's back, baby. It's back.
Next stop? Size 16. What was once an impossible dream is now my next realistic goal. So bring it on. I'm ready. I'm up for the fight. Me and my skeletal hands will take you down one glass of water at a time.
I am feeling the bones in my hands in a new way when I wash my hands. The other day it hit me that it felt "different". My first mental image was that I was washing someone else's hands. They were so... skeletal? I'm still fat for sure, but my hands felt downright dainty.
That same day when washing my face in the shower I really "felt" my jaw line and cheek bones. Was it my gently diminishing face or my newly skeletal hands?
And last week I had my arms crossed and it hit me that the meaty part of my arm right below my elbow felt much smaller. I still had tons to squeeze of course, but it felt a bit mushier. More on it's way out than previously.
Yesterday, it was something new. My upper legs. Siting in a, well, familiar seat were one often sits without pants I was struck that something looked "different". It was my fat. My fat looked different in my upper leg. Less all one chunk, and a bit more loose and ready to move. It's a pattern I've noticed in other parts of my body. First, the fat "loosens up" a bit - then it just goes away. Well, it at least changes a bit. Still fat. Still clear on that. Still have miles and miles to go. But I have a few less steps. Today is my 3rd day at 194. Ya know what that means? 40 pounds. That is so insane to me. Completely unrealistic. Almost as bizarre as how lose my pants have become. I never would have believed it was possible.
I slipped. I lost focus. I never gave up, and I'm actually pretty proud of that. I just temporarily took my eye off the ball.
It's back, baby. It's back.
Next stop? Size 16. What was once an impossible dream is now my next realistic goal. So bring it on. I'm ready. I'm up for the fight. Me and my skeletal hands will take you down one glass of water at a time.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Popcorn sins
Frickin' popcorn smell....
I walk into my house after a long hard day, hoping that there will be dinner waiting for me or ready shortly. Instead I smell the popcorn. Normally I can avoid it, but today I was hungry. Half a bag of popcorn later - I am aware I've had my first semi-mindless cheat. I slipped oh so quickly into that old mindset of "not thinking" about food. When I grew up popcorn was a healthy snack. In today's world of microwaved butter and salt with popcorn on the side - it's not so healthy.
But dang it tasted good. My lips are still burning a bit from the salt. But in a good way. Mmmmm...
Then I realize it's 8:30pm, I haven't eaten real dinner yet and I need to go to bed in about 90 minutes to an hour.
Crap. Not a great choice. But I didn't finish the bag of popcorn. And in a few minutes I'm going to get a glass of water and search for some fruit. Hmmm....Popcorn and canned peaches. Corn and peaches. Veggies and fruit. Sounds healthy to me.
At least for tonight...
I walk into my house after a long hard day, hoping that there will be dinner waiting for me or ready shortly. Instead I smell the popcorn. Normally I can avoid it, but today I was hungry. Half a bag of popcorn later - I am aware I've had my first semi-mindless cheat. I slipped oh so quickly into that old mindset of "not thinking" about food. When I grew up popcorn was a healthy snack. In today's world of microwaved butter and salt with popcorn on the side - it's not so healthy.
But dang it tasted good. My lips are still burning a bit from the salt. But in a good way. Mmmmm...
Then I realize it's 8:30pm, I haven't eaten real dinner yet and I need to go to bed in about 90 minutes to an hour.
Crap. Not a great choice. But I didn't finish the bag of popcorn. And in a few minutes I'm going to get a glass of water and search for some fruit. Hmmm....Popcorn and canned peaches. Corn and peaches. Veggies and fruit. Sounds healthy to me.
At least for tonight...
Monday, March 10, 2008
I could have had a V8 - and a nap
I'm missing 3 things in my life: Fruit, Veggies and Sleep.
Breakfast is a bar on the way in to work about 6:15am. Lunch is something frozen from a box - if I'm lucky enough to get a lunch. Dinner is whatever I have the strength to throw together when I'm often not getting home until 7:30 at night. And I try to be in bed by 10, and sleeping by 10:30. It's 10:58 and I'm still fully dressed and on the computer. Then again, I didn't get home until 8:15, dinner wasn't until 9pm. Is it wrong that I didn't want to go right to bed? I don't think so. When my alarm goes off at 4:45am, I may change my mind.
I've tried a few times to bring fruit to work. Doesn't work really well. I'm thinking I need to change tactics. Maybe a bowl of grapes? One bite at a time vs. the commitment of a rapidly browning apple as I'm on the phone with an upset client. It's not a bad idea, but considering it took me almost 20 minutes to crack open a yogurt that had been sitting just inches from me at my desk doesn't make me to hopeful. But I've got to try something as I know it's my biggest fault. Fiber has started slacking too - but the Kashi TLC bar each morning helps. I'm not where I was, but I'm doing SO much better than I could be doing, and I have to appreciate that.
I'm back to 196 officially. Very happy about that. I keep thinking about what I'm not doing, not getting, not living up to - but I have to remember it's a long process, and this is a bumpy part of the road. I need to be excited that I'm still ON the road - not complain about how I'm getting there.
On a lighter note...
This little blog post will be dedicated to The Aunt. Yes, to The Aunt who can't say "healthy food" or "organic" without making a face like she sucked on a lemon. To The Aunt who thinks I'm kinda funny because I care what goes in the recycle container. The Aunt who has lived with us for over a year now. Officially as of today The Aunt found a place to live. She moves in the first weekend in April. We have loved her living with us, and truly have no major complaints. But it will be nice to have the house to ourselves again. And nice to have her stop buying ice cream and toppings - encouraging us to join her for "Sundae Sundays".
Here's to you.
Breakfast is a bar on the way in to work about 6:15am. Lunch is something frozen from a box - if I'm lucky enough to get a lunch. Dinner is whatever I have the strength to throw together when I'm often not getting home until 7:30 at night. And I try to be in bed by 10, and sleeping by 10:30. It's 10:58 and I'm still fully dressed and on the computer. Then again, I didn't get home until 8:15, dinner wasn't until 9pm. Is it wrong that I didn't want to go right to bed? I don't think so. When my alarm goes off at 4:45am, I may change my mind.
I've tried a few times to bring fruit to work. Doesn't work really well. I'm thinking I need to change tactics. Maybe a bowl of grapes? One bite at a time vs. the commitment of a rapidly browning apple as I'm on the phone with an upset client. It's not a bad idea, but considering it took me almost 20 minutes to crack open a yogurt that had been sitting just inches from me at my desk doesn't make me to hopeful. But I've got to try something as I know it's my biggest fault. Fiber has started slacking too - but the Kashi TLC bar each morning helps. I'm not where I was, but I'm doing SO much better than I could be doing, and I have to appreciate that.
I'm back to 196 officially. Very happy about that. I keep thinking about what I'm not doing, not getting, not living up to - but I have to remember it's a long process, and this is a bumpy part of the road. I need to be excited that I'm still ON the road - not complain about how I'm getting there.
On a lighter note...
This little blog post will be dedicated to The Aunt. Yes, to The Aunt who can't say "healthy food" or "organic" without making a face like she sucked on a lemon. To The Aunt who thinks I'm kinda funny because I care what goes in the recycle container. The Aunt who has lived with us for over a year now. Officially as of today The Aunt found a place to live. She moves in the first weekend in April. We have loved her living with us, and truly have no major complaints. But it will be nice to have the house to ourselves again. And nice to have her stop buying ice cream and toppings - encouraging us to join her for "Sundae Sundays".
Here's to you.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
"Working" on food issues
My job is bad for me.
I don't just mean the back aches, the eye strain, the lack of sleep or the risks of angering one of the large men with power tools. I'm talking about something much more important.
Food.
I haven't taken a lunch in 2 days. Yesterday I brought a yogurt to my desk to eat. Today I was able to get in a yogurt AND a granola bar while I worked through my 12 hour day without a single break.
Some of this is going to be because I'm new. It takes so much more time to do what you need when every hour has 10-15 minutes of waiting to get an answer.
Today I walked to the kitchen, held my frozen meal in my hands, stared at it a moment and then put it back into the freezer. I grabbed my yogurt and even that sat on my desk at least 20 minutes before I could crack the thing open. How in the world did I begin to think I had time to wait 5 minutes for the microwave - followed by at least 10 minutes away from my desk?
When I came home I had a semi-healthy meal (pre-prepared healthy frozen dinner for 2) and a big glass of this super fruit juice with tons of good stuff in it. Still not really enough calories. And I've had 1/2 of a big glass of water all day. I know I should be drinking some right now, but I couldn't quite bring myself to walk across the house and stand up while the water pours out. It's pretty bad. I'm exhausted.
Then again, not eating enough, not drinking enough, and not getting enough sleep are all bad for my weight. Sigh... Time to walk to the kitchen (daily exercise), pour/drink a glass of water (hydration) and go to bed. No one ever said it would be easy...
I don't just mean the back aches, the eye strain, the lack of sleep or the risks of angering one of the large men with power tools. I'm talking about something much more important.
Food.
I haven't taken a lunch in 2 days. Yesterday I brought a yogurt to my desk to eat. Today I was able to get in a yogurt AND a granola bar while I worked through my 12 hour day without a single break.
Some of this is going to be because I'm new. It takes so much more time to do what you need when every hour has 10-15 minutes of waiting to get an answer.
Today I walked to the kitchen, held my frozen meal in my hands, stared at it a moment and then put it back into the freezer. I grabbed my yogurt and even that sat on my desk at least 20 minutes before I could crack the thing open. How in the world did I begin to think I had time to wait 5 minutes for the microwave - followed by at least 10 minutes away from my desk?
When I came home I had a semi-healthy meal (pre-prepared healthy frozen dinner for 2) and a big glass of this super fruit juice with tons of good stuff in it. Still not really enough calories. And I've had 1/2 of a big glass of water all day. I know I should be drinking some right now, but I couldn't quite bring myself to walk across the house and stand up while the water pours out. It's pretty bad. I'm exhausted.
Then again, not eating enough, not drinking enough, and not getting enough sleep are all bad for my weight. Sigh... Time to walk to the kitchen (daily exercise), pour/drink a glass of water (hydration) and go to bed. No one ever said it would be easy...
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Shifting gears
Time flies without a computer.
In my new job I'm not allowed online. No IM. No email. Nothing personal. Certainly no tracking the food I eat. I'm allowed to google directions for customers - but that's about it. And of course, at home this computer is shared between 3 of us so access isn't unlimited. And let's be honest - those healthy meals aren't going to cook themselves, so pretty much I am lucky to get 30 min of internet time a day on average. I went from checking 3 email accounts several times a day, to being lucky if I checked 1-2 of them at least once a week. It's killing me slowly - but I know it's better than being bored out of my mind with nothing but time to kill at a job with an ax hanging over my head. Long term employment is always the better option.
Quick overview. Being sick sucked. I ate nothing. I tracked every day and there were many days that I barely at 600 calories. After about 2 weeks of that, I moved up to 1100 - 1300 a day and actually gained 2 lbs. Pissed me off. So I decided to do a "reset" weekend. Let myself eat some of the things I'd wanted. Go to the restaurants I've dreamed of going to, but of course wouldn't have nutritional info. Only did that for a weekend. By that Monday I was 202. Eeek! But then I went back to healthy all that week and by Friday I was 198 again. Until... I got a rare opportunity to go out w/ a friend to a funky restaurant for dinner, and then another spot for dessert, and then another spot for a cocktail. How could I say no? So I didn't. That was last Friday, and as of today I'm 200 again. Sigh....
As for the gym, I haven't gone since being laid off. I should have gone since I had all that time, but I had too much stress. I would have felt guilty for taking the time at the gym when I could have been hunting for jobs. Now with the new job I haven't fallen quite into the pattern of going. And it's now much more out of the way. Hoping we can get into a new pattern of going in the next week or two. Ok - hope sounds nice, but action gets you there. I'm going to say that within 2 weeks I will be going to the gym again at least 2 times a week. I think that's a good plan.
Now if I only had a plan for how to spend more time online...
In my new job I'm not allowed online. No IM. No email. Nothing personal. Certainly no tracking the food I eat. I'm allowed to google directions for customers - but that's about it. And of course, at home this computer is shared between 3 of us so access isn't unlimited. And let's be honest - those healthy meals aren't going to cook themselves, so pretty much I am lucky to get 30 min of internet time a day on average. I went from checking 3 email accounts several times a day, to being lucky if I checked 1-2 of them at least once a week. It's killing me slowly - but I know it's better than being bored out of my mind with nothing but time to kill at a job with an ax hanging over my head. Long term employment is always the better option.
Quick overview. Being sick sucked. I ate nothing. I tracked every day and there were many days that I barely at 600 calories. After about 2 weeks of that, I moved up to 1100 - 1300 a day and actually gained 2 lbs. Pissed me off. So I decided to do a "reset" weekend. Let myself eat some of the things I'd wanted. Go to the restaurants I've dreamed of going to, but of course wouldn't have nutritional info. Only did that for a weekend. By that Monday I was 202. Eeek! But then I went back to healthy all that week and by Friday I was 198 again. Until... I got a rare opportunity to go out w/ a friend to a funky restaurant for dinner, and then another spot for dessert, and then another spot for a cocktail. How could I say no? So I didn't. That was last Friday, and as of today I'm 200 again. Sigh....
As for the gym, I haven't gone since being laid off. I should have gone since I had all that time, but I had too much stress. I would have felt guilty for taking the time at the gym when I could have been hunting for jobs. Now with the new job I haven't fallen quite into the pattern of going. And it's now much more out of the way. Hoping we can get into a new pattern of going in the next week or two. Ok - hope sounds nice, but action gets you there. I'm going to say that within 2 weeks I will be going to the gym again at least 2 times a week. I think that's a good plan.
Now if I only had a plan for how to spend more time online...
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