Being Zen and finding The Path

Today was my first day at my new job. My new full time job. I've had 3 shifts at my new part time job. Thursday will be my first day to do them both. To some folks that could sound stressful. But me, well..., I feel peaceful. Happy. Blessed.

I put up my Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. I finished putting on the lights the next night when I came home from an 8 hour day at the part time gig. Here it is Monday night and I haven't put up a single ornament, yet I get so much joy out of just seeing it all lit up in the living room when I pass it by. I've pulled the box of ornaments out of the garage and figure I'll get that done this week. It might annoy The Girlfriend a bit that it takes me so long, we have a long history of bitter battles over Christmas as I'm a Christmas adoring over-doer and she's a "Do we really need to celebrate?" kind of gal. And yet I feel like we'll be ok this year. She even helped me put the bows on the pillars outside our house and the wreath on the front door.

My last time on the scale showed movement in the wrong direction. We're still having Thanksgiving dinner leftovers every night - and likely will through the end of the week so I know that's not likely to change any time soon. And yet even this I have a sense of peace about. This is a step. This is just a part of the path. Sure, I'd hoped for a smoother one, but I'm the one who chose to stray from the original plan. I'm the one who stopped thinking about my food, thinking about every little step. I thought I just needed a break. I've learned that is just another excuse the mind creates. But, I feel like I'm almost to the spot where I'll see some light in front of it all. It's my job now to decide how badly I want to find that original path. It will be different now, but at least I'll know which way I'm headed. Not thinking about food is like not thinking about where you're going when walking in the woods. Do it for too long, and soon you'll realize that you have no idea where you are, how you got there, or how to get back. I am going to pick a direction and be aware of every step. Sure, I might take a step or two off the path to smell a particularly beautiful flower (Or small piece of chocolate cake) but I can never forget that I'm on a path and I need to step right back on it when I'm done.

When Thanksgiving leftovers are gone and I start getting a pay check again, it will be time to get out that compass and find that path.

Don't think I'm on the bottom yet...

I'm trying to bounce back up. I am. Sort of. Kinda. And it's almost sorta working.

Let me explain.

The Girlfriend told me this week that she is now at her heaviest. She's not happy about it one bit. She's been saying for awhile that she wants to be healthier again, do more active things etc but we end up doing the same thing we do every night - eating bad food while we sit around and watch tv. I haven't been able to break of of my "I don't have a job" funk to really jump-start the good behavior the way I know I should. Also, our house is still filled with the "this is cheap" foods like rice, pasta, breads, Top Ramen, bologna, ground beef and of course left over Halloween candy. (Even though my job starts in a few weeks, it will still be a month before I see a paycheck so cheap eats it will continue to be for a bit more...)

Two days ago I found her looking through Craigslist ads for a treadmill. She felt that if she bought a treadmill and put it in one of our back bedrooms she would use it all the time and the act of buying it would be the catalyst she needed for change. I tried to convince her that a) If we DID buy one it should go in the living room which is where we are honestly more likely to be instead of back in a bedroom to be forgotten on days when you just aren't motivated and b) If she was motivated to work out we had everything she needed to get started already at the house. After a long discussion about it - we went for a walk around the neighborhood.

I can't tell you how many times we've talked about doing this, and I could count how many times we've done it on one hand. With my thumb strapped down. And with fingers to spare.

A nice 25 minute brisk walk felt AWESOME! I was really hoping for a good follow up.

Then last night when she was about to look for another show on TV I said - "Hey, why don't we use the Wii Fit?" She jumped right into it.

Now true, that may have been after a dinner of BBQ chicken sandwiches - but it was just one small sandwich each. Not long ago at all it would have been a 2 sandwich dinner. I figure I may not be where we want to be, but I can at least try to keep a handle on portion size.

I'm about to get on the Wii Fit now. Going to try to get in 30 minutes before our Date Night out of Pizza and a Movie. She has said she'll get in her time when we come back. I'm really hopeful that she does.

If we can actually keep going with a minimum of 30 minutes of activity a day through the weekend I will be really impressed.

I may not have hit the bottom, but that 205 on the scale today looked pretty dang scary. The Girlfriend told me she's at 230. She thinks she's hit the bottom. I know I'm not there - but I am close enough to remember what it looked like. And it did not look nice.

Time to go have some quality time staring at the tv pretending to hula hoop...

Tummy full of hope

I feel like crap.

Wait. Better yet, I feel like fat crap. Blech.

I've been over the 200 mark for about a month now. Very not happy about it, but honestly not doing too much about it. I've been keeping semi-active doing stuff around the house, but with the exception of one good Wii Fit session, I haven't been trying to work out. I also haven't been working to eat healthy. I've been working to eat cheap - and I have to say I'm doing a pretty good frickin' job of it! I haven't had a job for almost 6 months now and the pantry is still well stocked.

Gotta tell you, I know that I've heard a million times about how it's possible to eat healthy for cheap and I don't doubt that it's possible. It's just not an area where I'm really confident. But I know how to make a casserole, pasta or rice stretch out a dish. And I've been flexing the heck out of my "how to make one night's leftovers into 2 different meals" muscle. The Girlfriend has been impressed. Unfortunately Mr. Scale is less than impressed.

Well, I have a full time and part time job offer that both start next week. While this will be quite the pay cut from what I've been accustomed to, it will mean that I can slowly start phasing out the high carb, high sodium, high calorie meals we've been eating once those checks start coming in next month. And with all my work running around - including a retail position where I"ll be on my feet all the time - hopefully I'll start burning off some of this evil pudge.

My mini goal is to be back in the 190's before the end of the year. Mind you, right now that would only be about 5 lbs, but since I won't get "buy healthy food" money for another month or so, I want to make sure it's a realistic goal. Merry Christmas to me!

Why did Pete walk out?

I have a 3rd grade joke to tell you. It's not really a joke - not even close - but it was something I read in several 3rd grade appropriate joke books when I was about that age. Basically, kid asks the question, adult pretends that they don't know where the joke and humors them until they are wishing they hadn't bought them the dang joke book.

Kid: Ok, Pete and Re-Pete walk into a bar. Pete walks out. Who's still inside?
Adult: Re-Pete.
Kid: Sure. Pete and Re-Pete walk into a bar. Pete walks out. Who's still inside?
Adult: Re-Pete.
Kid: [who is now clearly laughing...] Pete and Re-Pete walk into a bar. Pete walks out. Who's still inside?
Adult: Re-Pete.

And so on it goes until that camel's back is broken or the kid screws up the joke.

That's been my week so far. I've spent more hours pulling dang weeds from that cursed lawn than I care to remember. Let's just say more than 8. I will say that it looks better, but I also know if I sat down in almost any spot in the yard, within 30 seconds I'd likely find ones that have escaped prior rounds.

Today I made trip #2 to one of the jobs so they could get my fingerprints and of course authorization to run a battery of background checks on me. I have nothing to hide - search away! Just give me the job!

I've done laundry and dishes and taken out the trash and yet it feels like nothing gets done. Yet, every night I have amazing fantasies about how the next day will be THE day where I get up promptly by 8am and by 10am I've finished several loads of laundry - including folding and putting them away so that I'm ready to attack the next task. In this fantasy I'm never tired, I never want to just get a glass of water and sit down for awhile. My back never hurts from leaning, bending, sorting and stretching. I'm never distracted by a phone call or TV show or some far lesser important task that suddenly takes my attention leaving the first task half done - if at all. It's quite the fantasy. And yet each day I think - of course tomorrow is the day. There is no reason it can't happen tomorrow. I suppose this means I'm a bit less of a self-pessimist than I thought considering I at least hoped that it could happen. Every night. And a few mornings.

Speaking of which, tonight is going pretty well. Think I can get to sleep by midnight and already have the alarm set for 7am. There's no reason tomorrow can't be the day...

Of weeds and roses

I spent 3 hours of my life today pulling weeds in my tiny postage stamp of a lawn. I didn't even cover 1/4 of the space. And for parts of the areas I did cover, I had to hit that point where I pulled as many as I could, but had to accept that some of those little tiny buggers were going to have to wait until next time so I could get the bigger ones. I hate that. I want them GONE. But if I took the time to remove every tiny millimeter sized weed that I saw beginning to sprout - by the time I finished the yard they would have started re-growing where I'd started. It's enough to make a girl question why she has a yard in the first place.

Normally taking 3 hours out of my busily frantic "find a job" work day would not be something I'd allow myself to do, but I've been given "conditional" offers from TWO companies in the last 2 days. Both just need me to pass their background checks. Since I have never pursued a life of crime, pay at least most of the bills on time, and have no seriously burnt bridges behind me in employers - I think I'm good. And while these may not be the dream job (Which would involve being payed excessive amounts of money, given a Prius as a company car - though I was never required to go anywhere so I could spend lots of time on wi-fi at a cool coffeehouse, actually working only about 4 hours a day helping the world become more green, and somehow giving me free gym membership and unlimited massages) they are jobs that will help me pay the bills. And in this economy - I figure that's just about a dream come true.

So, I'm going to try to put some of this time to good use. Little organization here. Little landscaping there. Maybe a chance to just pause smell the roses. My first little "smell the roses" mission is to take the leftovers of these crappy generic Cheerios that I just couldn't bear to eat anymore and go feed the ducks at my neighborhood park. Do the walk around the lake a few times to get the heart pumping, and then just enjoy quacking back to the ducks a bit as they fight over my stale cereal. I think that's a win-win.

Keeping my fingers and toes crossed until I get those offer letters!

The Doctor Part 2: You aren't dying...soon

My adventures with the lab tests were interesting. It went from worst to best - though even the worst wasn't so bad. The pelvic ultrasound was in itself easy - but having to drink all that water, not be allowed to pee and then someone wants to press on your tummy is not so fun. The vaginal ultrasound was...unexpected... but not uncomfortable. It was kinda cool to get to see the body's perspective from that angle. So as you can imaging the Mammogram after that was no big deal.

As I leave they tell me they will send my results in the mail. 3 weeks later I'm still waiting. 4 weeks later my Dr. is on vacation so they can't tell me anything. At the beginning of week 5 I get a call from the lab and they want me to come back to do a boob ultrasound. But she has no idea why. Gotta love that. I made the appointment for early the next week, but then asked for a Doctor to call me back with what they were looking for and/or why they needed the follow up test.

Have I mentioned recently how much I appreciate the discounted Cobra this administration pushed through? I thought about it every day while waiting for that letter to arrive...

I have to say, the Doctor who called me back was wonderful. Very informative and very calming. One of his first sentences was "We do not think it is cancer." This is the kind of direct communication I was looking for. Apparently I have dense breast tissue, and they can't really see what they need from a mammogram. He thinks I might have a few cysts, but those are common enough and generally no big deal - but they want to be sure. Again, I appreciate it. I'd rather come in 5 times to be 100% sure than just once for a 85% sure diagnosis.

Final results - I have 2 fibroids on the outside of my uterus, about 12 "nodules" in one boob and about 5 in the other. The fibroids aren't messing with Aunt Flo since they are on the outside, so no rush to deal with anything there. The "nodules" all look like the boring kind that oh so many people get so they aren't concerned - BUT I need to come in every 4 months for the next year for them to do continued follow up to track any growth, movement or changes in shape. Again, I appreciate the level of detail.

So, I can breath well again for now. I may be a bit extra lumpy, but I'm fine. I'm healthy.

And wasn't that the whole point?

:)