Being Zen and finding The Path

Today was my first day at my new job. My new full time job. I've had 3 shifts at my new part time job. Thursday will be my first day to do them both. To some folks that could sound stressful. But me, well..., I feel peaceful. Happy. Blessed.

I put up my Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. I finished putting on the lights the next night when I came home from an 8 hour day at the part time gig. Here it is Monday night and I haven't put up a single ornament, yet I get so much joy out of just seeing it all lit up in the living room when I pass it by. I've pulled the box of ornaments out of the garage and figure I'll get that done this week. It might annoy The Girlfriend a bit that it takes me so long, we have a long history of bitter battles over Christmas as I'm a Christmas adoring over-doer and she's a "Do we really need to celebrate?" kind of gal. And yet I feel like we'll be ok this year. She even helped me put the bows on the pillars outside our house and the wreath on the front door.

My last time on the scale showed movement in the wrong direction. We're still having Thanksgiving dinner leftovers every night - and likely will through the end of the week so I know that's not likely to change any time soon. And yet even this I have a sense of peace about. This is a step. This is just a part of the path. Sure, I'd hoped for a smoother one, but I'm the one who chose to stray from the original plan. I'm the one who stopped thinking about my food, thinking about every little step. I thought I just needed a break. I've learned that is just another excuse the mind creates. But, I feel like I'm almost to the spot where I'll see some light in front of it all. It's my job now to decide how badly I want to find that original path. It will be different now, but at least I'll know which way I'm headed. Not thinking about food is like not thinking about where you're going when walking in the woods. Do it for too long, and soon you'll realize that you have no idea where you are, how you got there, or how to get back. I am going to pick a direction and be aware of every step. Sure, I might take a step or two off the path to smell a particularly beautiful flower (Or small piece of chocolate cake) but I can never forget that I'm on a path and I need to step right back on it when I'm done.

When Thanksgiving leftovers are gone and I start getting a pay check again, it will be time to get out that compass and find that path.

Of weeds and roses

I spent 3 hours of my life today pulling weeds in my tiny postage stamp of a lawn. I didn't even cover 1/4 of the space. And for parts of the areas I did cover, I had to hit that point where I pulled as many as I could, but had to accept that some of those little tiny buggers were going to have to wait until next time so I could get the bigger ones. I hate that. I want them GONE. But if I took the time to remove every tiny millimeter sized weed that I saw beginning to sprout - by the time I finished the yard they would have started re-growing where I'd started. It's enough to make a girl question why she has a yard in the first place.

Normally taking 3 hours out of my busily frantic "find a job" work day would not be something I'd allow myself to do, but I've been given "conditional" offers from TWO companies in the last 2 days. Both just need me to pass their background checks. Since I have never pursued a life of crime, pay at least most of the bills on time, and have no seriously burnt bridges behind me in employers - I think I'm good. And while these may not be the dream job (Which would involve being payed excessive amounts of money, given a Prius as a company car - though I was never required to go anywhere so I could spend lots of time on wi-fi at a cool coffeehouse, actually working only about 4 hours a day helping the world become more green, and somehow giving me free gym membership and unlimited massages) they are jobs that will help me pay the bills. And in this economy - I figure that's just about a dream come true.

So, I'm going to try to put some of this time to good use. Little organization here. Little landscaping there. Maybe a chance to just pause smell the roses. My first little "smell the roses" mission is to take the leftovers of these crappy generic Cheerios that I just couldn't bear to eat anymore and go feed the ducks at my neighborhood park. Do the walk around the lake a few times to get the heart pumping, and then just enjoy quacking back to the ducks a bit as they fight over my stale cereal. I think that's a win-win.

Keeping my fingers and toes crossed until I get those offer letters!

Work it girl!

I'm going to a Green Networking cocktail hour today. I'm sure I'm less likely to find the job I can't live without than the appetizer I can't live without, but it's certainly worth a try! I'd love to work in a green industry, or even for a company that understands it's impact, and works to bring down their global footprint.

I'm going for the socialization and the appetizers, but more than ever I think I'm actually going to Network. That has always been my greatest weakness. Market your product? Sure! Market myself? Eeek!

But today I have to put it on out there. I might even put on the tinted lip gloss. :)

My button is stuck

It has been too long my friend. I think of you often. But while the thought means something with gifts but nothing with blogs. I'd hit that point in life where the words of my grandmother came back to me - "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

I knew I wanted to post something, but decided to read through old posts for some inspiration. Some reflection of where I was, similar struggles I'd had in the past - that sort of thing. Something to help me put words on where I was right now. Suddenly - there it was. It wasn't a post - it was actually a draft. Something that somehow never got posted. This was written 10/26/8 and when I read it, I felt I could have just written it. With just one exception - I've been laid off again. So, not only am I on "Pause" as I mention below, someone just hit "stop" on my finances. (And isn't this just the perfect time to go looking for a job?) Still, the words below are quite timely...

I think somehow, somewhere someone hit the pause button on my life. Of course, life doesn't actually pause. That would be too easy. And we would notice much faster. But I've been noticing it this week and need to figure out how to get it "un-stuck".

My social life is on pause. I feel like I plan on so many things, but then do so little of it.

My weight is on pause. I suppose I should be happy its not on rewind. And it's nice that I have clothes that fit for these dang business trips - but still, I'd rather be losing weight.

My green-ing of my life has been put on pause in a bad way. Tons of flights, bottled water because you can't take a refillable bottle to the airport and gas driving to and from work each day - almost an hour each direction.

I work, I come home, Watch some TV, work some more, go to sleep, repeat.

I think I'm canceling my gym membership because we haven't gone in months. Well, I went once right before I got this job and I really hoped to make that a habit. But that was the only time either of us have gone in 5 months or so. Wasted cash. Then again, if we cancel I'll feel like I'm giving up on one of my goals. Its tough. That one I've put on pause. Easier to avoid than to have to make a decision.

I need to find my un-pause button. Or play. Heck, a little fast forward wouldn't even hurt. Who has my life's TIVO remote?

Crap, its probably me.

Feeling good and then...

Today I hit 197.3. Feeling back on track, eating right and tracking my calories daily.

Today, I was told I'm going back to the Philippines in a few weeks.

I've been telling myself that "next time" I went back it would be different. I'd find a way to be healthy in my food choices. I'd find time to work out in the hotel gyms to make up for the food choices where I had less control. I'd eat more fruit, and less chocolate croissants. [oh heavens...how I love their chocolate croissants...] I'd try to track my calories even with food I had no idea what is was called or what was in it. I'd do my best to find a way.

Now, that time has come. I feel like it's too soon. I'm not really feeling strong about it yet. But - I don't have an option about where I go - only what I eat. I leave the weekend after Easter.

I have few weeks to come up with a plan and find the strength to stick to it.

Crap.

2008: A Retrospective

Another year gone. A few less pounds. A few more gray hairs.

The years go faster and faster and faster. Mama didn't lie about that!

Decided to look back at the year. Let's see what I've done. The good, the bad, the ugly. Then, what I'm hoping to see out of this year.

Weight: 2008
January 1st, 2008 I was 208 lbs. I can't tell you what my weight was on the last day of the year because my scale is acting funny. Cheap scales break. Expensive scales "act funny". I'm hoping to sort it out by this weekend, but last time I checked, which was just a few days before, I was at 193.6. While I'm happy that all this time of not tracking food, not exercising etc has not led to a massive weight gain, looking back to see that in all this time I lost a total of less than 15 lbs this year is pretty scary. And just to make it worse, in April I was down to 190. Of course, August was back to 198. Dang those same 10 lbs I keep losing and gaining for the last 9 months!

Weight: Outlook 2009
I'm have a semi stable job now that, while I need to travel now and then, should allow me to work on better eating habits. The Girlfriend swears she's going to start being healthier this year. Where are we now? House full of sweets from the holiday party. I'm working through them as fast as I can. :) Not exactly moving toward my goal, but I can't throw away yummy food. Just can't do it. Not yet. Do I have a goal here? It's tough. My next bit point is to be a 14/16. That's "normal girl" sized. I dreamed of being a 16 by Christmas, but didn't put in the effort. I promise to put in effort this year. Let's say the dream is to be a 14/16 by my birthday. [Special note here, I'm been saying for awhile now that I want to give my hair to locks of love once my face gets small enough to try short hair. I've been saying I want to give it away next summer for awhile now. I think at 14/16 I can get away w/ short hair. :) ]

Active Lifestyle: 2008
My gym membership should count as a charitable contribution because I never ever go. I've almost canceled it I can't say how many times but I keep hoping that something will change and I'll be able to go again. No such luck. We haven't walked around the neighborhood or the awesome park, and we haven't ridden our bikes in so long I think they both need new tires. I have gotten her to take me dancing a bit more often - but does 6 times a year really count?

Active Lifestyle: Outlook 2009
We got a Wii for Christmas. It's been used quite a few times. Standing up to do anything is better than just sitting there like a lump watching TV. And I'm planning to buy the Wii Fit by Spring (Maybe I can make that a "reward" for doing good w/ healthy eating?) so we can start doing at home simple work. Even if it only gets used on the weekends, it would be a great improvement over what we do now. I still think I might cancel the gym membership. I'm giving myself until February to decide for sure. I want to find at least one other way to bring fitness into our lives without the gym. It would be great if we brought back the bikes (and really used them)or found something else that makes us happy so we do it regularly without feeling like it's a forced work out.

Eco Living: 2008
I put it in the backseat to focus on weight. That wasn't an awful decision, but it's been tough. I'm still the recycle nazi to my friends, but as I've admitted, in times of stress or pure exhaustion even I have slipped. I've traveled a ton with my millions of jobs this year and I've done nothing to off-set it. (I'm also not getting enough miles to on a consistent airline to add up to anything good!!) We still use paper and plastic at our holiday gatherings when I'd really wanted to go with "real plates" to ensure that it was more eco friendly. I still absolutely suck at unplugging things I know I should - like cell phone chargers - when not in use. I didn't have enough time to do much in the way of eco shopping (Farmers markets, local produce, local/sustainable housewares and presents) where I stayed in the super-grocery-marts and Targets of the world because I had no time to drive extra or only buy veggies on a Saturday morning between 8 and 10am. I still have the same car that still gets not enough MPG and I still drive it an hour each day, each way.

Eco Living: Outlook 2009
I worked from home more than usual for the holiday. Woman coming back from maternity leave has already said that she WILL work from home regularly. If I could get them to do work from home 2x a month - that would be AWESOME! Also, I live right down the street from someone who works at the same office. (Insane, but true) and we've both been so busy there was no such thing as a "normal" schedule to figure out carpooling. Once I am sharing the workload, I think I can actually carpool. I know there will be some times we can't do it, but even bringing it down 2x a week would make an awesome dent in my gas bills. If I can do it more than that???? Heaven! and that car that I'll be driving was just paid off so I'll be able to make a financially healthy choice to use that extra cash for the insane credit card debt caused by the same car earlier this year! I want to find more locally owned spots that sell more locally made things. I heard about a butcher that sells the pork it raises organically that's only like 15 min from my house - but of course they have limited hours which means I've not made it there. That needs to change this year - I need to make it a goal.

Healthy mind/spirit: 2008
Really enjoyed going to church at the beginning of the year, but as jobs changed and stress raised, I went less often by the end of the year. Almost the only quiet reflective time I found for myself was when traveling. Staring out at the clouds on one quiet trip, I even wrote a poem. Haven't done that in a few years. On another I pulled out 3 poems and 2 songs (sang to myself in the car, and couldn't remember them by the time I could pull over, but they gave me hours of enjoyment in the car). This was a great reminder to me of how important it is to find those times. The no-tv, no one else needs anything but you kind of quiet times. It was also a big reminder that I have to make those moments happen - they won't always just happen on their own.

Healthy mind/spirit: Outlook 2009
Church makes me happy to go, so I need to get back in the habit. I also need to find time for things that make me happy. Reading a book. Blogging. A good coffeehouse with amazing coffee and cool poetry readings. (OK, wishing a bit too far out on that one I'm sure...) Something that makes that little quiet part of you deep deep inside sit back, close it's eyes and exhale deeply. And how important it is to give that same little part of you something that is all about fun - like karaoke or air hockey or singing loudly with a friend to bad 80's music in the car. Work life balance is important, and if I keep working 18 hours a day I'll never find it. I have to work to keep the job, while keeping some level of balance. This may be the hardest thing I try to do all year - but without that, nothing else here will have the time to happen.

Goodbye 2008. You showed me that even in some crazy crazy times, even if I can't always be moving forward I can make sure I don't take a serious step back. Here's looking forward to 2009!

She's got a ticket to ride

...and she don't care.

The ticket was for the roller coaster of life, with it's ups and downs, twists, turns and loop-de-loops. I got the ticket. I am riding the train. Sure parts are exciting, but it doesn't take long before she just don't care. She'd like to care, but she's just too dang tired!

You have to pick your battles. I've always said I live by that. Sometimes they battles change from day to day or even hour to hour. Since accepting the new job my goal is keeping the job. They know I'm overworked. They say help is on the way. The Girlfriend is starting to refer to me as her Roomie as she doesn't see me enough to be anything beyond that. She calls the office "My other house". At work there is only work. There is no personal email so I get no daily Ideal Bites. No mental breaks surfing for things on etsy or researching awesome charities like ___ to use as gifts this holiday season. No, there is practically no personal Internet access. And even if there was, heavens knows there isn't the time. The last few days I've started my first call at 6:30am and I'm not leaving the office to come home until 10pm.

I could be frustrated. I could get angry. I could cry (if I was that kind of girl). I could do many emotional things. But I don't. I just don't have the time.

I also don't have the time to track my calories, make fresh food for dinner each night, go shopping for healthy food, and I certainly don't have time to go to the gym or even walk around the neighborhood. I've also found myself slacking off on even the simplest of things. I'm burning though plastic flatware at work because I don't have time to wash and re-use. And hard as this is to admit, I have had a few days where I'm too tired to clean a container that needs to be recycled, so it goes in the garbage.

Guess who's gone back to eating out/picking up/driving through far too often? Far, far too often. I have complained how healthy food costs so much, but I have to say going out to eat this often is more expensive that I'd remembered.

I gained weight again - going back to the higher 190's. But I caught and corrected myself. I make sure my lunch (and often dinner) options, while frozen, are healthier. I try to keep a few pieces of fruit at my desk at all times. I upgraded to a larger water cup so there will be less times without water. I'm bringing the number back down, but I won't make my goal of being a size lower by the end of the year. But I MIGHT still be able to make my goal of being in the 180's. 189 totally counts.

I'm exhausted every day, but I haven't forgotten the joy of seeing a lower number on the scale. And I haven't given up on making a dent in my ecological footprint. I've just had to pick my battles. Right now my battle is making everyone NOT see quite how exhausted I am as I move from day to day. And drinking more water. That's about it. And that - is good enough.

And so begins the downward spiral...

I was doing so good. And then....

BAM! 15-18 hour days including ALL weekend!

BAM! The Girlfriend gets sick and can't cook anything healthy!

BAM! I'm extra hungry due to lack of sleep and stress.

So we ordered pizza. But for only a few bucks more than 1 pizza their special is for 3 so we get 3. And as I'm so busy it becomes Dinner that night, and then lunch and dinner the next.

Tuesday morning, after only about 3.5 hrs of sleep as I'm heading off to the airport I weigh myself - something I hadn't had time to do in 3 days. 194. Fuck!

And then there is traveling....

This is my first time traveling w/ only carry-on luggage. I don't know if I'll be able to do it again. No room for a jacket - sudden thunderstorms my first night. No room for my "healthy" snacks -and no healthy food nearby. No rental car and of course this time I get a suite with a full kitchen.

So tonight, I head out in weather where everyone in the lobby says it looks like a hurricane is coming (hurricane is actually a state over...), with rain starting to come down and winds whipping up a storm, while wearing shorts, a t-shirt and flip flops. I ask about healthy options, but none is in quick walking distance, and how much walking do I need to do in this weather. I end up in a diner and there is nothing close to healthy. I could have done better than this, but I got a big juicy patty melt with fries. As I was finishing my dinner I saw that a nearby table had gotten a huge piece of cake. I have seriously been jonesing for chocolate cake. I gave in and bought some ho-ho's last week to just get a similar taste without buying the whole cake (which may sound strange, but it worked temporarily for far less calories). I immediately wanted it. Badly. So, as I left I got a big piece of chocolate cake - figuring it would be dessert tonight and breakfast tomorrow and I walk home with it firm in that conviction through the pouring rain. Well... it's gone. That thing was SO good! And they have about 8 other varieties of cake (including red velvet that looked SO good) and it's right across the street. But of course tomorrow is a client dinner that is at a southern food restaurant - client picked the location. Nice.

Do airplanes hate me? Is there something in airplane air that destroys all sense of willpower and purpose?

I can't figure it out, but I'm not myself today. Or rather, I'm my old non-healthy self today. Ah.. I remember it well. Not thinking about food. Just getting what looked good. Eating things based on how they tasted, not based on the numbers on the side of the box. Happy times and easy times - but fat times.

Tonight I go to sleep, full of hope (and chocolate cake) that tomorrow will be a slightly happier, dryer and healthier day.

5 down, oh so many to go...

I am a bad, bad girl.

Bad. Bad Girl.

How could it have been 2 weeks since my last post? I know life is a bit of a blur these days, but there are so many times that I meant to post something that somehow I feel that at least one of those should have counted and turned into a real post but I suppose that's not really how it happens now is it? Oh, if only that were the only way I was bad.

It's been well documented that I've been eating crap. Crap, crap and more crap. Crap-o-la. I tried to toss in at least one healthy meal a day, but that was quickly taken over by sudden cravings for Doritos or chocolate or Pizza. And I gave in. I was weak. One weak behavior begot another and it never quite seemed like it was "time" to go 100% back to being healthy.

And then Mr. Scale showed me 197.

But I wasn't mad at Mr. Scale - I was mad at myself. I did it all to myself. I could have been in the 170's by now if I'd kept up with it and instead I let myself not just be dormant, but actually gain back a few pounds through sloppy eating choices. To suddenly see 3 pounds away from the dreaded 200 was enough to get me off my butt. That was July 9th. I started tracking my calories again on TDP immediately. Even though with the new job I had "no time" I knew I had to find the time. I had to make it happen.

Turns out, my body didn't really want that extra weight. Through normal healthy eating I've been really surprised at the results.

July 9 - 197
July 11 - 196
July 12 - 194
July 13 - 193
July 14 - 192

Fine - tell me it's water weight. Tell me it's whatever you want to call it. All I know is I'm down 5lbs in less than a week so I'm over the moon.

My next challenge? I go out of town in a week, and I've always allowed myself to make less than ideal food decisions when traveling for work. This time it will have the additional challenge of a) Being in Atlanta where I hear the food is amazing and b) Being car-less so all my food must be within walking distance. No fridge, no microwave, no grocery store.

In my ideal world I'd have one suitcase just for bottled water, fruit, 100 calorie snacks and of course Mr. Evil Scale. Hmmm... do they make traveling scales? Perhaps it's time to give Mr. Scale a friend...

Nebraska Dreaming

I walked to work today. Then, I walked to Starbucks. Twice. Then, I walked home. Then, after a few hours of working, I walked to dinner. I thought about walking across the street to grab a movie at the theater, but there wasn't really enough time. Then, I walked home.

I love this city.

I'm in Lincoln, Nebraska, home of the Huskers, to visit with one of our call centers out here. They are right across from the University in lovely downtown Lincoln. And I'm in love. I walk everywhere. I CAN walk everywhere. It's like a green heaven. Well, unless you consider that I had to fly to get here. Takes some of the green out of it. And - when I asked about the nearest grocery store where I could pick up some water and fruit, it was a 5-10 min drive. Is this bad? Not for some mom & pop shop where the guy has been polishing apples and putting them in a pyramid for the last 40 some years. But finding the place closed at 7:50pm on a weekday hurt just a little bit.

Now I'm absolutely dying for Phoenix to "catch up" with the downtown they've got going here. Oh, I know it will never be the same - we just don't have the same # of historical buildings all close together and walkable-like. But man - when I see how amazing it can be, and how well it can all work together - I'll admit I'm more than a bit jealous.

Oh - and I have a great hotel and I'm not sick. How much more do I love this place?

Tons.

So, flying here isn't green. But this city certainly can be - and pretty easily. I wonder how many cities don't even realize how good they've got it. And, I'm wondering how willing I'd be to trade in my 2K+ Square feet, 2 car garage and back yard with future fruit trees for an awesome downtown spot if I thought my downtown could ever be close to this? Or, even if it couldn't?

Off to dream in green....

Day 4, or maybe 7 if you count the hours...

I've always had a not-so-secret nerd crush on Dilbert.

Who has worked in an office and not seen themselves or others in the office in a far too close to the truth form staring up from that comic strip? I used to post them regularly around my desk. Some done with only humor in mind. Some in hopes that the right person would casually see them, realize it was all about them and immediately stop whatever it was they were doing.

I fondly and vividly remember the series he did when Dilbert was given the opportunity to telecommute. As I'm finishing my first week of telecommuting, I realized it's not quite what I expected all those years ago.







While quite different, there are some interesting parallels.

Day 1 - I was too busy working to think about the time I saved by not having to drive into an office.

Day 2 I did decide to skip the shower until that evening. After staying up late to get a few extra things set up, I wasn't excited about needing to be up by 3:30am to be able to shower. Stay up til 3? Sure! Get up at 3? I don't think so.

Day 3 - Throwing pencil at the ceiling? But then I'd have to clean my own ceiling. A trait much better left in the office. But, I did get a bit "working from home wild and crazy". I baked a cake. not from scratch, and the frosting came right out of a can, but I did bake it. During my lunch hour. Well, the baking was during lunch hour. Wait, does it count as a lunch hour when my laptop was on the island and I was sending email while adding the eggs?

Day 4 - I am totally pro-clothes. I was in a meeting today though - but I was so busy working through it I hardly remember what was discussed. Pretty sure beards didn't come up. I did find out that I'll be traveling again the first week in June and I can expect to be even busier in the next few weeks.

I'm working 14 hour days (at least, with breaks here and there) and (so far) I'm loving it. There has to be something seriously wrong with me, I know. But for now, I'm just going to sit back (in my office chair), relax (get back to work on a project for tomorrow), and enjoy it.

Emotional pizza

As I blow my nose and eat my delivered pizza, I realize that I've only had a single bottle of water today. Right now I'm about as far from healthy as you can get.

And yet this weekend I bought my first size 16 shorts. Well...my first size 16 on the way DOWN vs. on the way up....

I was pretty darn elated about it too. Also, before my trip I bought some size 18 things from a "regular" sized store - not the women's section - and they fit just great. I was almost over the moon on that one. It's one thing to be a "Women's" 18, but to be a regular old 18 was pretty cool. So why am I eating pizza?

Well, I'll tell you. My trip of errors is still not over. While the nausea has subsided, I have been struck with an awful cold/allergies (still not sure what as no medicine is working) and am almost constantly blowing my nose. No other signs, just blowing my nose and lovely sinus drainage. Lovely, don't you think?

So tonight when I was tired generally crabby, but when the idea of ordering Pizza and being lazy in my room made me momentarily happy, I knew I had to jump on it. There hasn't been a lot of happy on this trip. I did my research and found a small mom & pop shop and ordered from there. It wasn't the best pizza ever, but it gave me some happiness.

Emotional eating? You bet. Do I feel bad about it? Heck no.

Perhaps I should. I mean, I did have my oatmeal for breakfast, and a healthy salad for lunch to help sorta balance out the 1/2 a pizza I'm eating for dinner, but I still knowingly made an emotional decision to eat comfort food. I know it isn't good for me. And I know this isn't the way to lose more weight. But today, I just wanted a slice of happy. And for now, I'm ok with that.

I'm also not feeling bad about the 8 pieces of chocolates/fudge that I bought from a local spot out here yesterday. Walked the whole place. I knew I could have gotten much more. But instead I hand picked one of that and two of that and had her put it in a bag. Since yesterday I've had 3 pieces. It makes me a bit happy when I see the bag in the morning. It gives me hope thinking about it waiting for me when I get home. Again, am I making an emotional attachment to food? Well, sort of. I loved the buying of it almost more than the eating of it. (It's not as good as See's Candy back home.) It was so fun to spoil myself with a pedicure and a few hand picked chocolates, followed by dinner with good book. It was a Me evening. And if girl can't give in to a piece of chocolate now and then, what good is she?

When I get home I am going to be SO good again. Lots of water. Tracking my food again. Planing out meals. Getting more exercise. But for now, I'm making the best of a crappy out of town experience. Pizza and chocolate won't make it all better, but for tonight, they certainly do help.

Attempting to choose my own adventure - finally

Warning: The post you are about to read is blunt. Those with a weak stomach may want a friend to proof-read it for you first...

I'm hoping for a fresh start in hotel room #2 in my great "new job" adventure. Why a fresh start you may ask? Let's review.

#1 - My flight was late. About 30 min late. Not huge except the flight was already coming in SO late at night. It touched down about midnight.
#2 - My bag was the last one sent out from my flight. Maybe not last, but the crowds were gone. I think there was one guy left besides me...
#3 - The rental car wasn't in the right place. I was going up and down the levels until I finally found it myself - no help from the folks who worked there.
#4 - The GPS didn't work and I had no other back up directions because FOR ONCE I put my faith in having everything work out the was supposed to work.
#5 - Because I have to unpack before I can go to bed (though frankly that only takes 15-20 min max) I didn't lay down in bed until a bit after 2. And because I had just been running all over town, I was SO awake. It was well after 2:30am by the time I got to sleep.
#6 - The alarm went off at 5:30am. I was pretty exhausted through my first day at my first job. I caught my head bobbing a few times during a VERY important meeting. Great first impression...
#7 - I find out the internet in my room isn't working. The hotel and internet folks blame my laptop, and as it's new, I can't say anything. My first impression with IT will now be the girl who can't even make her internet work. Nice.
#8 - Trying to make my first day a bit better I stop in for some supplies at Trader Joe's. Decided to grab some pre-made food for dinner - healthy and cheap so the company should appreciate it. While I love Trader Joe's and will not stop shopping there - I got food poisoning eating the shrimp.
#9 - Day 2 of work I am late because I'm to busy throwing up and crapping I can't even make it into the shower. I finally make it in to work and spend the rest of my day running into the bathroom 2-3 times an hour until there is just nothing else to come out.
#10 - After Day 2, my plan is to come home, rest for a bit and then read through the benefit information I've been given. Heck no. I'm totally exhausted now and have a serious case of the chills. All I can do is crank up the heater, put on my jogging suit and crash out under the covers. I was basically out for the rest of the night.
#11 - I wake up on Day 3 too exhausted to get out of bed when the alarm goes off. I feel like I've been beaten up in a back alley - but from the inside out. I can't move without it hurting everywhere. I tell myself I'll sleep for 30 more minutes.
#12 - I am 2 hours late for work because I overslept. Didn't wake up until a girl from work called me to make sure I was ok after yesterday. Nice.

After finally getting to work and promising myself that today would be a different day - it was. I was able to take back some control. Learn a bit more. Talk to IT in an educated way about what I learned and what I needed. I had a fiber bar for breakfast and healthy Subway for lunch. After some fancy footwork with the Hotel proving to them the internet issue was their issue and not mine (pulled out the internet cable from their business center computer and put it in my laptop to prove it worked on their system - my idea, not IT's) they volunteered to give me a new room. King size bed instead of the queen I'd had. I lose my lovely view of the flowering tree, but I also lose the smell of the sushi and throw-up that I just couldn't get out of that other room. I figure it's a darn solid trade. I ate an unhealthy but felt good to my tummy dinner (fried chicken breast & mashed potatoes) that has filled me up so I'll sleep great tonight to start my first 100% fresh day at the office.

Off to sleep shortly to begin my newer and healthier day. It can't come soon enough...

Grasping the sweet, sweet carrot

How long have I wanted a job where I could telecommute? So long. We can fondly remember the (lies) dreams once discussed at a prior job, and it was regularly held out as a carrot encouraging me to wait a bit longer, work a bit harder, hold on just a few more weeks. But we all know what happened there, right? A big whopping nothing followed by no job at all either.

But the whole world has changed. I have the carrot. In fact, right now it's feeling so good it's like carrot cake. Sweet - so sweet.

I was offered and I have accepted the job where I'll be 100% telecommuting from home.

[Woo hoo! Ahhhhhh!!! The crowd goes wild!!!]

Yea, I'll be killing some serious carbon emissions with the travel I'll be doing, but it's something, right? I've already thought about looking into carbon offsets but I think it's a bit too soon for that.

I fly back there in 2 weeks to learn their systems and get a good feeling for how they run their systems. I'm already a bit scared that they have me down as spending just a week there. Eek! I'd really like to make it 2 weeks, but we'll see...

So - one goal achieved. And yet, is it? We'll have to see how much flying I actually do to know how it all balances out. But for now - the carrot is mine.

Long live the carrot.

Tick, Tick, Tick...

I once thought the biological clock was absolutely the loudest one around. I have discovered that there is a louder internal clock. The "Did I get a job that will let me telecommute?" internal clock.

I called my house 4 times today to check messages. I actually logged into my email once today to see if they sent anything over. Logged into email at work!!!! Can you imagine???

The day was a blur. All I remember is "Did they call yet?" and "Do you think they've called yet?" followed, once I found out they hadn't called, by "When do I think they'll call?". I was a mess.

But a happy mess. I think I did well in the interviews. The last person I met with said I'd impressed the other folks who met with me. In fact, he said I dazzled them. We'll see. Did I impress them enough for me to telecommute? That's what it's all about. I left there with a feeling that if I was local, the job could have been mine. But as I have no interest in moving to Ohio any time soon, and The Girlfriend has made it clear that she has NO interest in returning to Ohio EVER - I think we'll just have to see if they were willing to take me from here.

Deep breath. One more. Maybe one more. Repeat. After several more sets of the same I start to chill just a bit. In with the good air, out with the stressed air.

Whoooooooooooooooooo......

This morning I got up, went to the airport and got on a plane. I'm in Ohio right now. Flight was good. (Thanks for asking) But this post isn't just about the destination - it's about the journey.

So as you'll remember, I was out of work about a while ago. Got a new job about a month ago and while I can make it work out just fine - it's not my dream job and I'm not their dream employee. We both know it, and we went into the relationship with open eyes. About a week ago I got an email from a friend about a job she thought I might like. Doing something I've done before - something I know how to do pretty darn well. She thinks it might be a good match. But how would I feel about telecommuting?

How would I feel? How would I feel??? I'd be pretty darn out of my mind excited. Healthy food choices. Ability to do a few things around the house during "lunch". Easier access to the gym. And let's talk about the money I'd be saving on gas - which is getting more expensive every day. Yea - I think I'm ok with telecommuting.

So after a phone interview with the company they decide to fly me out for an interview. I've never been flown anywhere for an interview before and feels like such a compliment. They could be flying out 20 people, but I'm still taking it as a compliment.

I'm feeling a bit more confident in my newer slimmer self so I'm less scared about the face to face. I like my new size 18 suits. Interesting observation - I was able to pack everything I needed in just my overnight bag and my regular purse. Including a thick trench coat (that I bought big from the thrift store when I was a size 9 and just realized I can finally button it up again...), 3 pairs of shoes and my suit. I've tried to do that before and it never worked. Never. I have decided it fits better because the clothes are smaller. Might not be true, but it certainly made me feel better.

Then, when picking out my "wear to the air port and get picked up by an employee of the company" outfit, found one that was fun, modern and professional. I looked semi-hot. Well, maybe a bit more than semi-hot as I was getting several of "those" looks today. The guy who normally yells at folks to put their shoes in the basket was complimenting me on my shoes and calling me sweetie - while giving me one of "those" smiles. I almost forgot how much I missed things like that.

Then, when finally on the plane - I fit in the chair without touching the guy next to me. Sure, our elbows touched now and then, but my thigh stayed on its own cushion. My butt didn't push at the arm rests the way it used to do. Wearing a shirt that was pretty fitted around the waist, some "hugs the curves" jeans and high heels - I was actually comfortable on the plane. Really comfortable. Not just kinda comfortable. Completely.

Tonight I had my first contact with folks from the company. Not once in any of those conversations did my mind drift to the fact that I was too fat for the job, or that I would be judged by my weight. These are things that used to haunt me all the time - especially in situations like this where you KNOW the person is looking for faults.

In no way am I thin. Not even close. But what a difference 40 lbs makes.

Tomorrow is the big interview day - from 10:30am until 4:30pm. I'm going to be judged, poked and prodded. Luckily, there's 40 lbs less to judge, 40 lbs less to poke and prod. And if they like what they see - Mama gets to telecommute. Oh yea baby.

Fingers crossed...

"Working" on food issues

My job is bad for me.

I don't just mean the back aches, the eye strain, the lack of sleep or the risks of angering one of the large men with power tools. I'm talking about something much more important.

Food.

I haven't taken a lunch in 2 days. Yesterday I brought a yogurt to my desk to eat. Today I was able to get in a yogurt AND a granola bar while I worked through my 12 hour day without a single break.

Some of this is going to be because I'm new. It takes so much more time to do what you need when every hour has 10-15 minutes of waiting to get an answer.

Today I walked to the kitchen, held my frozen meal in my hands, stared at it a moment and then put it back into the freezer. I grabbed my yogurt and even that sat on my desk at least 20 minutes before I could crack the thing open. How in the world did I begin to think I had time to wait 5 minutes for the microwave - followed by at least 10 minutes away from my desk?

When I came home I had a semi-healthy meal (pre-prepared healthy frozen dinner for 2) and a big glass of this super fruit juice with tons of good stuff in it. Still not really enough calories. And I've had 1/2 of a big glass of water all day. I know I should be drinking some right now, but I couldn't quite bring myself to walk across the house and stand up while the water pours out. It's pretty bad. I'm exhausted.

Then again, not eating enough, not drinking enough, and not getting enough sleep are all bad for my weight. Sigh... Time to walk to the kitchen (daily exercise), pour/drink a glass of water (hydration) and go to bed. No one ever said it would be easy...

No longer unemployed but...

I have a job. I start in 2 days.

I have nothing to wear.

I know this sounds like the normal "girly" thing, but after losing (as of today) 37 pounds, most everything is loose AND since all 3 of the folks who interviewed me were wearing jeans I know that most of my office wear would be completely out of place. I have 1 pair of jeans that fit. Everything else I've bought at this size is office wear.

While this is a nicer problem to have than outgrowing all my clothes, those same first impression rules still apply. I'm sure I'll be able to throw together at least a week of outfits. Hopefully no one will care if I'm a smidge over dressed...

On a different note - I just noticed that it's 1:39pm and I still haven't eaten anything or had a glass of water. I've been kinda bad the last week or so. I try to be better, but with being sick (Soooo sick since Tuesday...) I don't want to eat anything. I'm not hungry and plain water kinda makes me sick. I'm going to go make myself eat something healthy, but I can't promise that I'll like it. I know I have to keep eating if I want to lose more. Bizarre as that would have sounded to me not so long ago, I understand why it's true.

PS. The Girlfriend said she's going to start tracking her food today on The Daily Plate. She decided to do it once I broke the 200 mark. But then gave herself a free week. A last hurrah. We'll see if it actually happens. I won't push as this has to be something she chooses to do for herself. Fingers crossed.

When one door closes...

One week minus 14 hours ago, I was let go. Laid off. No longer need my services. Basically fired as gently as possible. The prior carrot holder had a good enough reason - the group that paid 50% of his income stopped paying. Hard to pay for me when his income drops in half. I get that.

For the last week I've been attempting to balance a healthy attitude in looking for a new job, a healthy food intake (though I'm wanting bad food like no body's business), and making my smallest (earth healthy) dent in extra electricity usage during the day. I stare at the computer. My cat stares at me. I don't put the heat on when I'm cold, I grab a sweater. If the cat is cold she lays in the window to soak up some rays.

So far I'm balancing everything pretty well. Not that I don't fantasize about red velvet cake, Chimichangas, baked macaroni and cheese, fried pork chops, meat loaf, chocolate fountains and other assorted comfort food delights on a regular basis. I just choose to eat an apple instead.

Fingers crossed that I meet my career's Mr. Right.

Soon.

Just another day - in a good way

Ok, so I missed a day. I tried. I did. But it was not meant to be.

But, in the spirit of my new lifestyle/diet, I will continue on as one day's error does not a ruined diet/lifestyle make. Or something like that.

I worked at home today (WOO HOO!) which was lovely. No wasted gas. No AC even on most of the day. Used only sunlight to light my way. Just my two computers chugging along. Yea, 2 computers. Not the best ecological decision, but unfortunately a requirement for now. I'd like to think that in the end I came out ahead on the ecological points game.

Staying home is also great for food choices. I was hesitant that I'd give in the the bags of Doritos or the Nutter Butters in the pantry. But no. Didn't grab a snack all day. At work when I'm looking for an escape or have free time, I end up thinking about food. At home I pet the cat, go put away some dishes or get something ready for dinner. There are SO many other options available that food is automatically demoted in the "think about it" list.

Thinking smart and making good choices. That's what it's all about.