A few dinners out. A weekend of bad hotel/interview food. That's apparently all it takes to gain 2 lbs. 196 looked so nice on the way down, but after 194 it looked downright evil. I hated 196. The only thing that scared me more was the prospect of seeing a 2 again! EEEK!!
I've tried to be good, but I have NOT been as good as I once was. Bad food in the house. Dinner out with friends. Unable to easily track my food at work (and since I generally have no time to even cook decent food, where would I get the time to track food?) or any other time. It's been slow, but I got 194 back and held on to it. Today I saw 193. It's day 1 so completely unofficial, but I have my fingers crossed to see it tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow we're doing lunch with her aunt at a The Farm at South Mountain. Unknown calories, but all about natural, organic and healthy living. It makes me happy every time I go. Not so bad. Dinner on the other hand is with The Aunt who lived with us for the last year. It's a thank you dinner for help over the last year and for moving all of her stuff. Smothered pork chops, rice and gravy. I don't anticipate a vegetable - though if I know here there MIGHT be one covered in cheese or overly cooked with butter and salt. That said - I'm not anticipating to be 193 on Monday. But wouldn't it be a nice surprise Mr. Scale???
The girlfriend told me that this is her LAST unhealthy weekend. I know I've heard it before, but I have higher hopes this time. Her "buddy" who supports/encourages beer drinking and less-healthy dinner outings is joining a work based weight loss contest with money on the line. If her Buddy stays on track, I'm thinking my sweetie will as well. Well, at least most of the time. I can confirm that these will be my last smothered or fried pork chops for a long, long time. Gotta get serious. Have to find a way to start tracking better again. Have to find a new job so I can actually make it to the gym again. Have to stay focused.
Focus in my personal life has never been my greatest skill, but writing it down helps. My next quick goal is to be 18_. I'm SO close - but I've been close for a long time. Have to get it. Have to reach a goal to remind myself how great it feels to get there. And how hard you push for the next one. Focus. Focus. Focus. Or something like that.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
Tick, Tick, Tick...
I once thought the biological clock was absolutely the loudest one around. I have discovered that there is a louder internal clock. The "Did I get a job that will let me telecommute?" internal clock.
I called my house 4 times today to check messages. I actually logged into my email once today to see if they sent anything over. Logged into email at work!!!! Can you imagine???
The day was a blur. All I remember is "Did they call yet?" and "Do you think they've called yet?" followed, once I found out they hadn't called, by "When do I think they'll call?". I was a mess.
But a happy mess. I think I did well in the interviews. The last person I met with said I'd impressed the other folks who met with me. In fact, he said I dazzled them. We'll see. Did I impress them enough for me to telecommute? That's what it's all about. I left there with a feeling that if I was local, the job could have been mine. But as I have no interest in moving to Ohio any time soon, and The Girlfriend has made it clear that she has NO interest in returning to Ohio EVER - I think we'll just have to see if they were willing to take me from here.
Deep breath. One more. Maybe one more. Repeat. After several more sets of the same I start to chill just a bit. In with the good air, out with the stressed air.
Whoooooooooooooooooo......
I called my house 4 times today to check messages. I actually logged into my email once today to see if they sent anything over. Logged into email at work!!!! Can you imagine???
The day was a blur. All I remember is "Did they call yet?" and "Do you think they've called yet?" followed, once I found out they hadn't called, by "When do I think they'll call?". I was a mess.
But a happy mess. I think I did well in the interviews. The last person I met with said I'd impressed the other folks who met with me. In fact, he said I dazzled them. We'll see. Did I impress them enough for me to telecommute? That's what it's all about. I left there with a feeling that if I was local, the job could have been mine. But as I have no interest in moving to Ohio any time soon, and The Girlfriend has made it clear that she has NO interest in returning to Ohio EVER - I think we'll just have to see if they were willing to take me from here.
Deep breath. One more. Maybe one more. Repeat. After several more sets of the same I start to chill just a bit. In with the good air, out with the stressed air.
Whoooooooooooooooooo......
Thursday, March 27, 2008
This morning I got up, went to the airport and got on a plane. I'm in Ohio right now. Flight was good. (Thanks for asking) But this post isn't just about the destination - it's about the journey.
So as you'll remember, I was out of work about a while ago. Got a new job about a month ago and while I can make it work out just fine - it's not my dream job and I'm not their dream employee. We both know it, and we went into the relationship with open eyes. About a week ago I got an email from a friend about a job she thought I might like. Doing something I've done before - something I know how to do pretty darn well. She thinks it might be a good match. But how would I feel about telecommuting?
How would I feel? How would I feel??? I'd be pretty darn out of my mind excited. Healthy food choices. Ability to do a few things around the house during "lunch". Easier access to the gym. And let's talk about the money I'd be saving on gas - which is getting more expensive every day. Yea - I think I'm ok with telecommuting.
So after a phone interview with the company they decide to fly me out for an interview. I've never been flown anywhere for an interview before and feels like such a compliment. They could be flying out 20 people, but I'm still taking it as a compliment.
I'm feeling a bit more confident in my newer slimmer self so I'm less scared about the face to face. I like my new size 18 suits. Interesting observation - I was able to pack everything I needed in just my overnight bag and my regular purse. Including a thick trench coat (that I bought big from the thrift store when I was a size 9 and just realized I can finally button it up again...), 3 pairs of shoes and my suit. I've tried to do that before and it never worked. Never. I have decided it fits better because the clothes are smaller. Might not be true, but it certainly made me feel better.
Then, when picking out my "wear to the air port and get picked up by an employee of the company" outfit, found one that was fun, modern and professional. I looked semi-hot. Well, maybe a bit more than semi-hot as I was getting several of "those" looks today. The guy who normally yells at folks to put their shoes in the basket was complimenting me on my shoes and calling me sweetie - while giving me one of "those" smiles. I almost forgot how much I missed things like that.
Then, when finally on the plane - I fit in the chair without touching the guy next to me. Sure, our elbows touched now and then, but my thigh stayed on its own cushion. My butt didn't push at the arm rests the way it used to do. Wearing a shirt that was pretty fitted around the waist, some "hugs the curves" jeans and high heels - I was actually comfortable on the plane. Really comfortable. Not just kinda comfortable. Completely.
Tonight I had my first contact with folks from the company. Not once in any of those conversations did my mind drift to the fact that I was too fat for the job, or that I would be judged by my weight. These are things that used to haunt me all the time - especially in situations like this where you KNOW the person is looking for faults.
In no way am I thin. Not even close. But what a difference 40 lbs makes.
Tomorrow is the big interview day - from 10:30am until 4:30pm. I'm going to be judged, poked and prodded. Luckily, there's 40 lbs less to judge, 40 lbs less to poke and prod. And if they like what they see - Mama gets to telecommute. Oh yea baby.
Fingers crossed...
So as you'll remember, I was out of work about a while ago. Got a new job about a month ago and while I can make it work out just fine - it's not my dream job and I'm not their dream employee. We both know it, and we went into the relationship with open eyes. About a week ago I got an email from a friend about a job she thought I might like. Doing something I've done before - something I know how to do pretty darn well. She thinks it might be a good match. But how would I feel about telecommuting?
How would I feel? How would I feel??? I'd be pretty darn out of my mind excited. Healthy food choices. Ability to do a few things around the house during "lunch". Easier access to the gym. And let's talk about the money I'd be saving on gas - which is getting more expensive every day. Yea - I think I'm ok with telecommuting.
So after a phone interview with the company they decide to fly me out for an interview. I've never been flown anywhere for an interview before and feels like such a compliment. They could be flying out 20 people, but I'm still taking it as a compliment.
I'm feeling a bit more confident in my newer slimmer self so I'm less scared about the face to face. I like my new size 18 suits. Interesting observation - I was able to pack everything I needed in just my overnight bag and my regular purse. Including a thick trench coat (that I bought big from the thrift store when I was a size 9 and just realized I can finally button it up again...), 3 pairs of shoes and my suit. I've tried to do that before and it never worked. Never. I have decided it fits better because the clothes are smaller. Might not be true, but it certainly made me feel better.
Then, when picking out my "wear to the air port and get picked up by an employee of the company" outfit, found one that was fun, modern and professional. I looked semi-hot. Well, maybe a bit more than semi-hot as I was getting several of "those" looks today. The guy who normally yells at folks to put their shoes in the basket was complimenting me on my shoes and calling me sweetie - while giving me one of "those" smiles. I almost forgot how much I missed things like that.
Then, when finally on the plane - I fit in the chair without touching the guy next to me. Sure, our elbows touched now and then, but my thigh stayed on its own cushion. My butt didn't push at the arm rests the way it used to do. Wearing a shirt that was pretty fitted around the waist, some "hugs the curves" jeans and high heels - I was actually comfortable on the plane. Really comfortable. Not just kinda comfortable. Completely.
Tonight I had my first contact with folks from the company. Not once in any of those conversations did my mind drift to the fact that I was too fat for the job, or that I would be judged by my weight. These are things that used to haunt me all the time - especially in situations like this where you KNOW the person is looking for faults.
In no way am I thin. Not even close. But what a difference 40 lbs makes.
Tomorrow is the big interview day - from 10:30am until 4:30pm. I'm going to be judged, poked and prodded. Luckily, there's 40 lbs less to judge, 40 lbs less to poke and prod. And if they like what they see - Mama gets to telecommute. Oh yea baby.
Fingers crossed...
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I think I'm showing
I've had several comments over the last week about how thin I'm looking. While I think this is a hilarious farce of reality - I accept that it is all said with love from my friends to whom the thin and/or skinny references simply mean "less than before". Were I to actually show up suddenly skinny on the doorstep of any of my friends I believe they would all hold me down until the ambulance could arrive - that is, if they could even recognize me.
But as I was saying oh, so subtly, I'm not skinny. I'm not thin. But I think I'm finally "showing" that I've lost some weight. The Girlfriend was reading my friend's blog the other day and when looking at an older post she saw a picture of me and actually called me into the room to talk about it. She said that while she knew I'd lost weight, and she sees it in all the right places (cough, cough) she hadn't really looked at a picture of me from before the weight loss. She had me sit near the desk so she could look back and forth and said it was pretty shocking. When I looked at it - I can honestly say I saw it too. It wasn't as "oh my goodness" as it was for her, but there was clearly a difference. For the better. That was nice.
I'm still a "big girl". I still feel like I've lost so relatively little that it's not even worth mentioning half the time. Like taking 2 bites out of a foot long sandwich - there's still a LOT more where that came from. (Of course a food reference from the fat girl...) But, even I feel different about being able to say I've lost 40 lbs than I did about say 25. 40 lbs is SOMETHING. 40 lbs is something you see listed on magazine covers. It's something that you'd be really impressed with if it was someone else. But in this case it's not. It's just me. Me - 40 lbs lighter than when I started.
Makes me feel a bit lighter just thinking about it. Wonder how I'll feel after I've lost the next 40? Personally, being less than 180 seems so almost unrealistic. I can hardly even push to imagine what being 160 will be like. Seems so far away. Sort of like when I was imagining what it would be like to be under 200. But here I am....
Dreaming the impossible dream. Fighting the unwinnable foe and, oh so slowly, winning.
But as I was saying oh, so subtly, I'm not skinny. I'm not thin. But I think I'm finally "showing" that I've lost some weight. The Girlfriend was reading my friend's blog the other day and when looking at an older post she saw a picture of me and actually called me into the room to talk about it. She said that while she knew I'd lost weight, and she sees it in all the right places (cough, cough) she hadn't really looked at a picture of me from before the weight loss. She had me sit near the desk so she could look back and forth and said it was pretty shocking. When I looked at it - I can honestly say I saw it too. It wasn't as "oh my goodness" as it was for her, but there was clearly a difference. For the better. That was nice.
I'm still a "big girl". I still feel like I've lost so relatively little that it's not even worth mentioning half the time. Like taking 2 bites out of a foot long sandwich - there's still a LOT more where that came from. (Of course a food reference from the fat girl...) But, even I feel different about being able to say I've lost 40 lbs than I did about say 25. 40 lbs is SOMETHING. 40 lbs is something you see listed on magazine covers. It's something that you'd be really impressed with if it was someone else. But in this case it's not. It's just me. Me - 40 lbs lighter than when I started.
Makes me feel a bit lighter just thinking about it. Wonder how I'll feel after I've lost the next 40? Personally, being less than 180 seems so almost unrealistic. I can hardly even push to imagine what being 160 will be like. Seems so far away. Sort of like when I was imagining what it would be like to be under 200. But here I am....
Dreaming the impossible dream. Fighting the unwinnable foe and, oh so slowly, winning.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Feeling it again
My focus was gone. But it is back. It is so back.
I am feeling the bones in my hands in a new way when I wash my hands. The other day it hit me that it felt "different". My first mental image was that I was washing someone else's hands. They were so... skeletal? I'm still fat for sure, but my hands felt downright dainty.
That same day when washing my face in the shower I really "felt" my jaw line and cheek bones. Was it my gently diminishing face or my newly skeletal hands?
And last week I had my arms crossed and it hit me that the meaty part of my arm right below my elbow felt much smaller. I still had tons to squeeze of course, but it felt a bit mushier. More on it's way out than previously.
Yesterday, it was something new. My upper legs. Siting in a, well, familiar seat were one often sits without pants I was struck that something looked "different". It was my fat. My fat looked different in my upper leg. Less all one chunk, and a bit more loose and ready to move. It's a pattern I've noticed in other parts of my body. First, the fat "loosens up" a bit - then it just goes away. Well, it at least changes a bit. Still fat. Still clear on that. Still have miles and miles to go. But I have a few less steps. Today is my 3rd day at 194. Ya know what that means? 40 pounds. That is so insane to me. Completely unrealistic. Almost as bizarre as how lose my pants have become. I never would have believed it was possible.
I slipped. I lost focus. I never gave up, and I'm actually pretty proud of that. I just temporarily took my eye off the ball.
It's back, baby. It's back.
Next stop? Size 16. What was once an impossible dream is now my next realistic goal. So bring it on. I'm ready. I'm up for the fight. Me and my skeletal hands will take you down one glass of water at a time.
I am feeling the bones in my hands in a new way when I wash my hands. The other day it hit me that it felt "different". My first mental image was that I was washing someone else's hands. They were so... skeletal? I'm still fat for sure, but my hands felt downright dainty.
That same day when washing my face in the shower I really "felt" my jaw line and cheek bones. Was it my gently diminishing face or my newly skeletal hands?
And last week I had my arms crossed and it hit me that the meaty part of my arm right below my elbow felt much smaller. I still had tons to squeeze of course, but it felt a bit mushier. More on it's way out than previously.
Yesterday, it was something new. My upper legs. Siting in a, well, familiar seat were one often sits without pants I was struck that something looked "different". It was my fat. My fat looked different in my upper leg. Less all one chunk, and a bit more loose and ready to move. It's a pattern I've noticed in other parts of my body. First, the fat "loosens up" a bit - then it just goes away. Well, it at least changes a bit. Still fat. Still clear on that. Still have miles and miles to go. But I have a few less steps. Today is my 3rd day at 194. Ya know what that means? 40 pounds. That is so insane to me. Completely unrealistic. Almost as bizarre as how lose my pants have become. I never would have believed it was possible.
I slipped. I lost focus. I never gave up, and I'm actually pretty proud of that. I just temporarily took my eye off the ball.
It's back, baby. It's back.
Next stop? Size 16. What was once an impossible dream is now my next realistic goal. So bring it on. I'm ready. I'm up for the fight. Me and my skeletal hands will take you down one glass of water at a time.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Popcorn sins
Frickin' popcorn smell....
I walk into my house after a long hard day, hoping that there will be dinner waiting for me or ready shortly. Instead I smell the popcorn. Normally I can avoid it, but today I was hungry. Half a bag of popcorn later - I am aware I've had my first semi-mindless cheat. I slipped oh so quickly into that old mindset of "not thinking" about food. When I grew up popcorn was a healthy snack. In today's world of microwaved butter and salt with popcorn on the side - it's not so healthy.
But dang it tasted good. My lips are still burning a bit from the salt. But in a good way. Mmmmm...
Then I realize it's 8:30pm, I haven't eaten real dinner yet and I need to go to bed in about 90 minutes to an hour.
Crap. Not a great choice. But I didn't finish the bag of popcorn. And in a few minutes I'm going to get a glass of water and search for some fruit. Hmmm....Popcorn and canned peaches. Corn and peaches. Veggies and fruit. Sounds healthy to me.
At least for tonight...
I walk into my house after a long hard day, hoping that there will be dinner waiting for me or ready shortly. Instead I smell the popcorn. Normally I can avoid it, but today I was hungry. Half a bag of popcorn later - I am aware I've had my first semi-mindless cheat. I slipped oh so quickly into that old mindset of "not thinking" about food. When I grew up popcorn was a healthy snack. In today's world of microwaved butter and salt with popcorn on the side - it's not so healthy.
But dang it tasted good. My lips are still burning a bit from the salt. But in a good way. Mmmmm...
Then I realize it's 8:30pm, I haven't eaten real dinner yet and I need to go to bed in about 90 minutes to an hour.
Crap. Not a great choice. But I didn't finish the bag of popcorn. And in a few minutes I'm going to get a glass of water and search for some fruit. Hmmm....Popcorn and canned peaches. Corn and peaches. Veggies and fruit. Sounds healthy to me.
At least for tonight...
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