That kind of friend

Did you ever have one of those friends that only wanted to chat with you when things were going well in their lives? You heard all about the new car, the kid on honor roll, when they were ready for a night out at the club in their new outfit, or whatever it might have been for them? And yet - then went radio silent for weeks or months at a time and then you later find out that the car got repossessed or the kid was in a fight at school, or they got a DUI? Well, in my own way, it appears that I've been one of those friends. If I couldn't say something nice, I guess I wouldn't say anything at all. It's been a long time. I took a moment to look back and after starting this in 2007, I posted pretty consistently (here and there) until January 2010. There were two vaguely contemplated posts in 2012, but pretty much it's been 7 years. It wasn't the 7 year itch that brought me back though - it was the 7 year fat. I'm keeping this short because...it would be far too easy to write a mini-essay on the wrong directions taken in the past that have led me to where I am today. So here's the skinny. Or not so skinny... a) My weight is higher than when I started this blog 10 years ago. b) We're back to throwing away more fresh fruit/vegetables than we're eating. So I've largely stopped buying them. c) I've gone from being the "Recycling Nazi", where no one would dare put the wrong thing in the trash vs. recycling can to someone who practically gets scolded when I take empty water bottles out of the trash to put into the recycle bin. d) Tonight, The Wife and I are going to join a gym. Having this blog as an outlet really helped me long ago. Rather that abandon it all and start something new, I will admit to all the skeletons in my closet and the missed opportunities. I know blogs aren't "cool" anymore for many folks, but ya know what, I never said I wanted to be cool. Just healthy. Let's go.

13 weeks

Thirteen weeks. I am firmly aware of the fact that it is not a long time.

So since the realization that I needed to get my act together I've been doing a decent job of keeping up the diet but I've only exercised one day. I'll need to crank that up more as this goes along, but for now I'm not too worried.

In less than a week I have gone from 217 to 213.8 it's not a lot but I appreciate it. Almost a larger accomplishment is getting The Wife to go along for the ride. She knows she needs to do better, and I don't make her stick to the same kind of portion control even though I do make it clear what the portion is.... On the end a person has to do it because they want to - not because they are pushed into it.

So, good first steps. Decent first week. 13 to go.

14 weeks

Remember that scene in "When Harry met Sally"? Sally sat on the edge of her bed and wailed, "And I'm going to be fourth!

Harry said, surprised and sympathetically, "When?"

And as Sally's cries come to a cresheno she yells, "SOMEDAY!"

When I saw that so many years ago it was funny and I felt some sort of sympathy for the idea that as women we all get older and that she was feeling that feeling that all of us feel now and then - "How is it that I am at this point in my life and THIS is all I've done?". The plans we made, the goals we had, all the things we were going to accomplish somehow don't happen quite the way we planned.

Now, I see that in a whole now way. Why, you may ask?

Because in 14 weeks, I will be 40.

This is not what I pictured. It's not what I pictured at all.

Even a few years ago. I thought I was on a path to be in a better place by now. I was eating healthy, losing weight and doing it the right way. I knew there would be struggles, but I knew I would make it. But instead, I fell back into bad habits. I became comfortable. I made excuses to myself, and part of me believed them.

I don't want to be fat when I'm forty. I know I will never be model thin. I know I wont look the way I did in high school. But if I can hold myself to healthy habits for the next 14 weeks I might at least get back to where I was a few years ago. And while last time my goals were bigger, today I just look forward to seeing 190 on the scale again.

The scale currently says 217. I am not happy.

Today was when I realized it was just 14 weeks away. Within 5 minutes, after the shock wore off, I had pulled up Daily Plate and I started tracking my calories. Then when I came home I did 30 minutes on the treadmill, and then made a uber-healthy chicken salad for dinner.

One day down, 14 weeks to go.

Bad decisions and good reflections

Today, after eating my bowl of cereal for breakfast and a Starbucks Red Velvet Cupcake for lunch, I decided to get on the scale before I got in the shower. I'm not sure if what I saw was a greater surprise, or if I should be more surprised that less than 5 minutes after eating a cupcake my sick sense of internal humor said "huh, I wonder what you weigh now?".

It was 199.2. While there was a time not so horribly long ago that number would have been cringe inspiring, not so much any more. Now - I was not so secretly excited at seeing a "1" at the beginning of the number.

Then, while driving to work I ate a handful of Cheetos. Dinner was a safe frozen choice - but of course that was followed up by a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and a small Almond Joy around 1:30am as I was starting to get hungry while I finished checking off time sheets at work. Then when I got home at almost 3am, I was so hungry I heated up some sloppy joe leftovers to make a sandwich.

I HAVE to start tracking my food again somehow. Not sure how and when and where in the world I'm going to scrape up that last bit of determination to do it consistently - but if I was tracking there's no way I would have made most of those decisions. I would have instead been driven to do more in hopes of seeing further decreases on the scale. Now, it's all about what's easy and convenient.

I feel like I'm getting closer but I'm just not quite there yet. Like I'm waiting for some kind of push. Or sign.

Funny, as I typed that line something hit me. Some of my favorite lines in a song are by Steven Curtis Chapman and they all but screamed out at me so I must be "supposed" to share them here.

"You're waiting for lighting.
A sign that it's time for a change.
You're listening for thunder
while He quietly whispers your name."

Hmmm... maybe I have been doing that after all. Listening for the thunder. Waiting for the neon flashing sign. But I'm so busy waiting for the big one, I'm missing all the small ones.

More to think about as I head off to sleep my funny little sleep schedule. Time to dream about healthy decisions!

Life on the Naughty List

I have been a bad bad girl. I have been living on drive through and pizzas and chocolate and starches and processed foods. I have not been drinking enough water. I have gone two days before realizing I'd yet to eat a veggie - since french fries, ketchup and lettuce on a taco does not constitute fruits and veggies no matter what our school lunch system claims.

I've been busy. But isn't that everyone's excuse? I know it isn't a good one.

I'm down to one job, but I'm averaging about 13 hours a day there so it might as well be two. I am being pretty good at my "lunch" there as I bring a healthier frozen meal, but when leaving there at 8 and 9pm and knowing I should be in bed by 10:30 that drive through starts to look better and better.

The real problem I know is that I've lost that fire. I used to be passionate about it. I used to count my calories and care about every little piece of intake. I used to really, really care. I'm not quite sure what happened to that spark. I know I need to get it back, but I don't know how. I saw 206 on the scale the other day but instead of getting angry at myself and resolving to make better decisions there was this feeling of "it figures" and found myself mentally resolving to not get on the scale for awhile. I will say that I did a quick mental check on myself and was able to do a bit of a "take back" where I repeated some good things and reminded myself that I had the power to change it. It worked for the next 10 minutes, but that night when I was leaving work at 9pm I grabbed Burger King. I don't really even like Burger King that much (except for a hot steaming cheeseburger on a cold day - their simple cheeseburgers really are quite good) and yet I got a meal and ate the whole thing. I felt like crap that night and worse the next day. The only good thing I can say about that experience is that I've sworn off of Burger King for awhile.

On Monday I begin working the night shift, which I'll be doing until July. For now, that means about 3pm until Midnight. Of course, I'll have to go in a few hours early or I'll be there until 3am. While I know this will be difficult, I'm going to work to make this an opportunity for change. If I can maintain a healthy breakfast, manage some sort of decent lunch at home, and just bring in those frozen healthier meals for dinner - I might just have a chance. Right now it's a concept and not a full fledged plan, but it's the best I've been able to do for awhile so I'm holding on to it.

Just when I'm starting to feel better, I realize I've been writing most of this while staring at the Dark Hershey kisses sitting on my desk and thinking about how I'm going to eat them when I'm done. Sigh.....

Time to go get a glass of water and walk away from the chocolate.

Being Zen and finding The Path

Today was my first day at my new job. My new full time job. I've had 3 shifts at my new part time job. Thursday will be my first day to do them both. To some folks that could sound stressful. But me, well..., I feel peaceful. Happy. Blessed.

I put up my Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. I finished putting on the lights the next night when I came home from an 8 hour day at the part time gig. Here it is Monday night and I haven't put up a single ornament, yet I get so much joy out of just seeing it all lit up in the living room when I pass it by. I've pulled the box of ornaments out of the garage and figure I'll get that done this week. It might annoy The Girlfriend a bit that it takes me so long, we have a long history of bitter battles over Christmas as I'm a Christmas adoring over-doer and she's a "Do we really need to celebrate?" kind of gal. And yet I feel like we'll be ok this year. She even helped me put the bows on the pillars outside our house and the wreath on the front door.

My last time on the scale showed movement in the wrong direction. We're still having Thanksgiving dinner leftovers every night - and likely will through the end of the week so I know that's not likely to change any time soon. And yet even this I have a sense of peace about. This is a step. This is just a part of the path. Sure, I'd hoped for a smoother one, but I'm the one who chose to stray from the original plan. I'm the one who stopped thinking about my food, thinking about every little step. I thought I just needed a break. I've learned that is just another excuse the mind creates. But, I feel like I'm almost to the spot where I'll see some light in front of it all. It's my job now to decide how badly I want to find that original path. It will be different now, but at least I'll know which way I'm headed. Not thinking about food is like not thinking about where you're going when walking in the woods. Do it for too long, and soon you'll realize that you have no idea where you are, how you got there, or how to get back. I am going to pick a direction and be aware of every step. Sure, I might take a step or two off the path to smell a particularly beautiful flower (Or small piece of chocolate cake) but I can never forget that I'm on a path and I need to step right back on it when I'm done.

When Thanksgiving leftovers are gone and I start getting a pay check again, it will be time to get out that compass and find that path.