Healthy or Bust

Bad decisions and good reflections

2010-01-28T04:13:00.002-07:00

Today, after eating my bowl of cereal for breakfast and a Starbucks Red Velvet Cupcake for lunch, I decided to get on the scale before I got in the shower. I'm not sure if what I saw was a greater surprise, or if I should be more surprised that less than 5 minutes after eating a cupcake my sick sense of internal humor said "huh, I wonder what you weigh now?".

It was 199.2. While there was a time not so horribly long ago that number would have been cringe inspiring, not so much any more. Now - I was not so secretly excited at seeing a "1" at the beginning of the number.

Then, while driving to work I ate a handful of Cheetos. Dinner was a safe frozen choice - but of course that was followed up by a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and a small Almond Joy around 1:30am as I was starting to get hungry while I finished checking off time sheets at work. Then when I got home at almost 3am, I was so hungry I heated up some sloppy joe leftovers to make a sandwich.

I HAVE to start tracking my food again somehow. Not sure how and when and where in the world I'm going to scrape up that last bit of determination to do it consistently - but if I was tracking there's no way I would have made most of those decisions. I would have instead been driven to do more in hopes of seeing further decreases on the scale. Now, it's all about what's easy and convenient.

I feel like I'm getting closer but I'm just not quite there yet. Like I'm waiting for some kind of push. Or sign.

Funny, as I typed that line something hit me. Some of my favorite lines in a song are by Steven Curtis Chapman and they all but screamed out at me so I must be "supposed" to share them here.

"You're waiting for lighting.
A sign that it's time for a change.
You're listening for thunder
while He quietly whispers your name."

Hmmm... maybe I have been doing that after all. Listening for the thunder. Waiting for the neon flashing sign. But I'm so busy waiting for the big one, I'm missing all the small ones.

More to think about as I head off to sleep my funny little sleep schedule. Time to dream about healthy decisions!

Life on the Naughty List

2010-01-09T20:49:00.002-07:00

I have been a bad bad girl. I have been living on drive through and pizzas and chocolate and starches and processed foods. I have not been drinking enough water. I have gone two days before realizing I'd yet to eat a veggie - since french fries, ketchup and lettuce on a taco does not constitute fruits and veggies no matter what our school lunch system claims.

I've been busy. But isn't that everyone's excuse? I know it isn't a good one.

I'm down to one job, but I'm averaging about 13 hours a day there so it might as well be two. I am being pretty good at my "lunch" there as I bring a healthier frozen meal, but when leaving there at 8 and 9pm and knowing I should be in bed by 10:30 that drive through starts to look better and better.

The real problem I know is that I've lost that fire. I used to be passionate about it. I used to count my calories and care about every little piece of intake. I used to really, really care. I'm not quite sure what happened to that spark. I know I need to get it back, but I don't know how. I saw 206 on the scale the other day but instead of getting angry at myself and resolving to make better decisions there was this feeling of "it figures" and found myself mentally resolving to not get on the scale for awhile. I will say that I did a quick mental check on myself and was able to do a bit of a "take back" where I repeated some good things and reminded myself that I had the power to change it. It worked for the next 10 minutes, but that night when I was leaving work at 9pm I grabbed Burger King. I don't really even like Burger King that much (except for a hot steaming cheeseburger on a cold day - their simple cheeseburgers really are quite good) and yet I got a meal and ate the whole thing. I felt like crap that night and worse the next day. The only good thing I can say about that experience is that I've sworn off of Burger King for awhile.

On Monday I begin working the night shift, which I'll be doing until July. For now, that means about 3pm until Midnight. Of course, I'll have to go in a few hours early or I'll be there until 3am. While I know this will be difficult, I'm going to work to make this an opportunity for change. If I can maintain a healthy breakfast, manage some sort of decent lunch at home, and just bring in those frozen healthier meals for dinner - I might just have a chance. Right now it's a concept and not a full fledged plan, but it's the best I've been able to do for awhile so I'm holding on to it.

Just when I'm starting to feel better, I realize I've been writing most of this while staring at the Dark Hershey kisses sitting on my desk and thinking about how I'm going to eat them when I'm done. Sigh.....

Time to go get a glass of water and walk away from the chocolate.

Being Zen and finding The Path

2009-11-30T22:20:00.003-07:00

Today was my first day at my new job. My new full time job. I've had 3 shifts at my new part time job. Thursday will be my first day to do them both. To some folks that could sound stressful. But me, well..., I feel peaceful. Happy. Blessed.

I put up my Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. I finished putting on the lights the next night when I came home from an 8 hour day at the part time gig. Here it is Monday night and I haven't put up a single ornament, yet I get so much joy out of just seeing it all lit up in the living room when I pass it by. I've pulled the box of ornaments out of the garage and figure I'll get that done this week. It might annoy The Girlfriend a bit that it takes me so long, we have a long history of bitter battles over Christmas as I'm a Christmas adoring over-doer and she's a "Do we really need to celebrate?" kind of gal. And yet I feel like we'll be ok this year. She even helped me put the bows on the pillars outside our house and the wreath on the front door.

My last time on the scale showed movement in the wrong direction. We're still having Thanksgiving dinner leftovers every night - and likely will through the end of the week so I know that's not likely to change any time soon. And yet even this I have a sense of peace about. This is a step. This is just a part of the path. Sure, I'd hoped for a smoother one, but I'm the one who chose to stray from the original plan. I'm the one who stopped thinking about my food, thinking about every little step. I thought I just needed a break. I've learned that is just another excuse the mind creates. But, I feel like I'm almost to the spot where I'll see some light in front of it all. It's my job now to decide how badly I want to find that original path. It will be different now, but at least I'll know which way I'm headed. Not thinking about food is like not thinking about where you're going when walking in the woods. Do it for too long, and soon you'll realize that you have no idea where you are, how you got there, or how to get back. I am going to pick a direction and be aware of every step. Sure, I might take a step or two off the path to smell a particularly beautiful flower (Or small piece of chocolate cake) but I can never forget that I'm on a path and I need to step right back on it when I'm done.

When Thanksgiving leftovers are gone and I start getting a pay check again, it will be time to get out that compass and find that path.

Don't think I'm on the bottom yet...

2009-11-20T16:22:00.002-07:00

I'm trying to bounce back up. I am. Sort of. Kinda. And it's almost sorta working.

Let me explain.

The Girlfriend told me this week that she is now at her heaviest. She's not happy about it one bit. She's been saying for awhile that she wants to be healthier again, do more active things etc but we end up doing the same thing we do every night - eating bad food while we sit around and watch tv. I haven't been able to break of of my "I don't have a job" funk to really jump-start the good behavior the way I know I should. Also, our house is still filled with the "this is cheap" foods like rice, pasta, breads, Top Ramen, bologna, ground beef and of course left over Halloween candy. (Even though my job starts in a few weeks, it will still be a month before I see a paycheck so cheap eats it will continue to be for a bit more...)

Two days ago I found her looking through Craigslist ads for a treadmill. She felt that if she bought a treadmill and put it in one of our back bedrooms she would use it all the time and the act of buying it would be the catalyst she needed for change. I tried to convince her that a) If we DID buy one it should go in the living room which is where we are honestly more likely to be instead of back in a bedroom to be forgotten on days when you just aren't motivated and b) If she was motivated to work out we had everything she needed to get started already at the house. After a long discussion about it - we went for a walk around the neighborhood.

I can't tell you how many times we've talked about doing this, and I could count how many times we've done it on one hand. With my thumb strapped down. And with fingers to spare.

A nice 25 minute brisk walk felt AWESOME! I was really hoping for a good follow up.

Then last night when she was about to look for another show on TV I said - "Hey, why don't we use the Wii Fit?" She jumped right into it.

Now true, that may have been after a dinner of BBQ chicken sandwiches - but it was just one small sandwich each. Not long ago at all it would have been a 2 sandwich dinner. I figure I may not be where we want to be, but I can at least try to keep a handle on portion size.

I'm about to get on the Wii Fit now. Going to try to get in 30 minutes before our Date Night out of Pizza and a Movie. She has said she'll get in her time when we come back. I'm really hopeful that she does.

If we can actually keep going with a minimum of 30 minutes of activity a day through the weekend I will be really impressed.

I may not have hit the bottom, but that 205 on the scale today looked pretty dang scary. The Girlfriend told me she's at 230. She thinks she's hit the bottom. I know I'm not there - but I am close enough to remember what it looked like. And it did not look nice.

Time to go have some quality time staring at the tv pretending to hula hoop...

Tummy full of hope

2009-11-10T21:38:00.004-07:00

I feel like crap.

Wait. Better yet, I feel like fat crap. Blech.

I've been over the 200 mark for about a month now. Very not happy about it, but honestly not doing too much about it. I've been keeping semi-active doing stuff around the house, but with the exception of one good Wii Fit session, I haven't been trying to work out. I also haven't been working to eat healthy. I've been working to eat cheap - and I have to say I'm doing a pretty good frickin' job of it! I haven't had a job for almost 6 months now and the pantry is still well stocked.

Gotta tell you, I know that I've heard a million times about how it's possible to eat healthy for cheap and I don't doubt that it's possible. It's just not an area where I'm really confident. But I know how to make a casserole, pasta or rice stretch out a dish. And I've been flexing the heck out of my "how to make one night's leftovers into 2 different meals" muscle. The Girlfriend has been impressed. Unfortunately Mr. Scale is less than impressed.

Well, I have a full time and part time job offer that both start next week. While this will be quite the pay cut from what I've been accustomed to, it will mean that I can slowly start phasing out the high carb, high sodium, high calorie meals we've been eating once those checks start coming in next month. And with all my work running around - including a retail position where I"ll be on my feet all the time - hopefully I'll start burning off some of this evil pudge.

My mini goal is to be back in the 190's before the end of the year. Mind you, right now that would only be about 5 lbs, but since I won't get "buy healthy food" money for another month or so, I want to make sure it's a realistic goal. Merry Christmas to me!

Why did Pete walk out?

2009-10-20T22:49:00.003-07:00

I have a 3rd grade joke to tell you. It's not really a joke - not even close - but it was something I read in several 3rd grade appropriate joke books when I was about that age. Basically, kid asks the question, adult pretends that they don't know where the joke and humors them until they are wishing they hadn't bought them the dang joke book.

Kid: Ok, Pete and Re-Pete walk into a bar. Pete walks out. Who's still inside?
Adult: Re-Pete.
Kid: Sure. Pete and Re-Pete walk into a bar. Pete walks out. Who's still inside?
Adult: Re-Pete.
Kid: [who is now clearly laughing...] Pete and Re-Pete walk into a bar. Pete walks out. Who's still inside?
Adult: Re-Pete.

And so on it goes until that camel's back is broken or the kid screws up the joke.

That's been my week so far. I've spent more hours pulling dang weeds from that cursed lawn than I care to remember. Let's just say more than 8. I will say that it looks better, but I also know if I sat down in almost any spot in the yard, within 30 seconds I'd likely find ones that have escaped prior rounds.

Today I made trip #2 to one of the jobs so they could get my fingerprints and of course authorization to run a battery of background checks on me. I have nothing to hide - search away! Just give me the job!

I've done laundry and dishes and taken out the trash and yet it feels like nothing gets done. Yet, every night I have amazing fantasies about how the next day will be THE day where I get up promptly by 8am and by 10am I've finished several loads of laundry - including folding and putting them away so that I'm ready to attack the next task. In this fantasy I'm never tired, I never want to just get a glass of water and sit down for awhile. My back never hurts from leaning, bending, sorting and stretching. I'm never distracted by a phone call or TV show or some far lesser important task that suddenly takes my attention leaving the first task half done - if at all. It's quite the fantasy. And yet each day I think - of course tomorrow is the day. There is no reason it can't happen tomorrow. I suppose this means I'm a bit less of a self-pessimist than I thought considering I at least hoped that it could happen. Every night. And a few mornings.

Speaking of which, tonight is going pretty well. Think I can get to sleep by midnight and already have the alarm set for 7am. There's no reason tomorrow can't be the day...

Of weeds and roses

2009-10-16T15:40:00.004-07:00

I spent 3 hours of my life today pulling weeds in my tiny postage stamp of a lawn. I didn't even cover 1/4 of the space. And for parts of the areas I did cover, I had to hit that point where I pulled as many as I could, but had to accept that some of those little tiny buggers were going to have to wait until next time so I could get the bigger ones. I hate that. I want them GONE. But if I took the time to remove every tiny millimeter sized weed that I saw beginning to sprout - by the time I finished the yard they would have started re-growing where I'd started. It's enough to make a girl question why she has a yard in the first place.

Normally taking 3 hours out of my busily frantic "find a job" work day would not be something I'd allow myself to do, but I've been given "conditional" offers from TWO companies in the last 2 days. Both just need me to pass their background checks. Since I have never pursued a life of crime, pay at least most of the bills on time, and have no seriously burnt bridges behind me in employers - I think I'm good. And while these may not be the dream job (Which would involve being payed excessive amounts of money, given a Prius as a company car - though I was never required to go anywhere so I could spend lots of time on wi-fi at a cool coffeehouse, actually working only about 4 hours a day helping the world become more green, and somehow giving me free gym membership and unlimited massages) they are jobs that will help me pay the bills. And in this economy - I figure that's just about a dream come true.

So, I'm going to try to put some of this time to good use. Little organization here. Little landscaping there. Maybe a chance to just pause smell the roses. My first little "smell the roses" mission is to take the leftovers of these crappy generic Cheerios that I just couldn't bear to eat anymore and go feed the ducks at my neighborhood park. Do the walk around the lake a few times to get the heart pumping, and then just enjoy quacking back to the ducks a bit as they fight over my stale cereal. I think that's a win-win.

Keeping my fingers and toes crossed until I get those offer letters!

The Doctor Part 2: You aren't dying...soon

2009-09-18T20:42:00.005-07:00

My adventures with the lab tests were interesting. It went from worst to best - though even the worst wasn't so bad. The pelvic ultrasound was in itself easy - but having to drink all that water, not be allowed to pee and then someone wants to press on your tummy is not so fun. The vaginal ultrasound was...unexpected... but not uncomfortable. It was kinda cool to get to see the body's perspective from that angle. So as you can imaging the Mammogram after that was no big deal.

As I leave they tell me they will send my results in the mail. 3 weeks later I'm still waiting. 4 weeks later my Dr. is on vacation so they can't tell me anything. At the beginning of week 5 I get a call from the lab and they want me to come back to do a boob ultrasound. But she has no idea why. Gotta love that. I made the appointment for early the next week, but then asked for a Doctor to call me back with what they were looking for and/or why they needed the follow up test.

Have I mentioned recently how much I appreciate the discounted Cobra this administration pushed through? I thought about it every day while waiting for that letter to arrive...

I have to say, the Doctor who called me back was wonderful. Very informative and very calming. One of his first sentences was "We do not think it is cancer." This is the kind of direct communication I was looking for. Apparently I have dense breast tissue, and they can't really see what they need from a mammogram. He thinks I might have a few cysts, but those are common enough and generally no big deal - but they want to be sure. Again, I appreciate it. I'd rather come in 5 times to be 100% sure than just once for a 85% sure diagnosis.

Final results - I have 2 fibroids on the outside of my uterus, about 12 "nodules" in one boob and about 5 in the other. The fibroids aren't messing with Aunt Flo since they are on the outside, so no rush to deal with anything there. The "nodules" all look like the boring kind that oh so many people get so they aren't concerned - BUT I need to come in every 4 months for the next year for them to do continued follow up to track any growth, movement or changes in shape. Again, I appreciate the level of detail.

So, I can breath well again for now. I may be a bit extra lumpy, but I'm fine. I'm healthy.

And wasn't that the whole point?

:)

The Doctor: Part 1, No good excuses

2009-08-07T15:26:00.007-07:00

I've worked on being better to the environment. I've worked on awareness for what I put into my body. I've made good strides in turning that healthy corner. One thing I hadn't done, for almost 4 years, is go to the Dr.

Now, I'm in no way one of those people that fears the Doctor. I like my Doctor and while I'm no fan of needles or giving blood, I would never let that stop me from going. So what has stopped me? Well, first I had no insurance. For about a year my job had no benefits. Then, I went through a series of jobs that had benefits - but required about 18 hours out of each day leaving little time to even think about the Dr, much less make a phone call - and I couldn't imagine taking time out of my busy day for a check up. But now, I certainly have the time. And, thanks to the reduced rate Cobra benefits for the rest of the year, I also have insurance.

My plan had been to go for a basic check up, but when I get there I find out that for a series of different reasons relating to the insurance - I actually need to schedule that as a separate visit. But, she asks me if there is anything particular that I'd like to discuss with her at this appointment. And I did...

I think it's only natural that when a person loses weight they begin to analyze all of their body's parts and sizes a bit more intently than they did before. While doing this sort of pinching, poking and prodding, I felt something that I had not felt before. A bit of a hard lump in my gut. I pulled over The Girlfriend for a comparison and while I felt something there with her, mine seemed bigger. I figured it was period related based on when I felt it. Then, over the next few months I noticed that it wasn't really changing in size based on "that time of the month". Seemed strange, but I figured it wasn't any big deal. I called it "My Tumor" much to The Girlfriend's distaste. She would routinely give the Arnold-esque response "It's not a tumor!". But who has time to check, right?

Recently I realized that while I had not lost any weight or done something to change my perspective on it, My Tumor had gotten a bit bigger. When lying flat on the ground, that side was just a bit higher than the other. It was time to go the Doctor, but I faced the fear that should I go to the Dr, if for any reason my coverage lapsed this would be counted as a pre-existing condition. With no clear job in sight, that it a scary proposition.

"Actually Dr., I have this weird lump I noticed..."

She has me lie down and without me even pointing it out she goes right to it. Next thing I know I'm being referred to get an ultrasound to check it out and she's confirming that I'm all done having children. What?? Um, no, I hadn't started yet. This seems to be a concern for her. The mass is in my uterus which right now feels as if I were 5 months pregnant. She mentions there is likely something that can be done about it if I still really want to have children. We both agree to cross that bridge when we have a better feeling for exactly what is happening.

Next week I will be getting an ultrasound, and my first mammogram.

The Doctor wasn't scared, so I won't be either. That's not to say I'm not anxious. I am.

Fingers crossed.

It all comes out in the end

2009-07-20T14:41:00.006-07:00

Not having a job sucks.

Sure, it would be nice to not have a job because I'd recently won the lottery or found out that a mysterious rich uncle left me everything in his will or in some other ridiculous and miraculous way I became independently wealthy. Because of course that would be awesome. But no, this whole none of the income (except the $240/wk from unemployment which is close to nothing, and yet greatly appreciated) all of the bills and twice the guilt thing really sucks.

I'd been putting off a big shopping trip for some time as I was hoping to hear back on a job I interviewed for and a "maybe" contract gig. I figured if I got one of those it would be back to healthy foods and I might even splurge on a few extra organic veggies. Instead I was given a no on the job and a "it's all a waiting game" response from the folks in charge of the hopeful contract gig. So it became cheap food. Now I know that theoretically one can be healthy and be reasonably cheap, but since most of my meals are cooking for two, and ONE of us must have meat with every meal, wont eat eggs, beans or too many veggies it becomes a bit more difficult.

While there were many losses (A great price + Coupon on both frozen pizzas and taquitos) there were a few unexpected wins. My favorite was the toilet paper.

The reason the Toilet paper became the biggest win is because we're on roll #4, and I haven't gotten a complaint yet. And it's recycled. Last time I bought a 4 pack of a particular brand (cough...Nature's brand...cough), I was promptly told to never bring that sorry excuse for toilet paper back into the house. She was a Charmin girl and wanted to stay that way. Let me be honest - this new stuff is NO Charmin. There is a difference by a fair amount. But it's really not too bad. It's like I bought the cheap stuff vs. a name brand. But when using it one doesn't immediately know "hey, this is a green product, right?" which is a good thing. It's also good for keeping my household happy as I didn't just buy a 4 pack, I bought a 24 pack at Costco - quite the gamble.

It's called Earth First Bath Tissue. 100% recycled, 80% Post consumer and whitened without chlorine according to the package. And another cool thing about the package, it says that the plastic wrap holding it all together is "environmentally responsible" because it says "This plastic wrap has a predetermined life span and will expire in 18 months after manufactured date." And the cherry on top of this green TP sundae - it was the same price as the Costco brand (Kirkland) tissue paper so it also made it a good price!

I'm still without job. I'm still trying to straddle healthy and convenient. But I have found my new, greener, toilet paper. A happier, healthier step.

Super Salty

2009-06-15T08:45:00.002-07:00

Forgive me blog for I have sinned. It has been far too long since my last confession.

I have been eating cheap instead of healthy. I have been eating low-stress/comfort foods instead of thinking about my food choices. I have been going back to NOT thinking about what I'm eating when it is more important than ever to think about what I eat.

Yesterday I had a good bowl of cereal to start the day, but lunch was a BBQ beef sandwich, potato salad and macaroni and cheese at some cheap BBQ spot, then we went to the movies and had popcorn and icees. Then dinner became Taco Bell, my drive through comfort food of choice, where I ordered poorly and ate it all. Worst of it all, in that whole day I had one bottle of water. One. I tried to correct it once we got home and had a 2 glasses of water - but it was too little too late. I felt the salt rising to the surface as I went to sleep. I woke up this morning feeling that if someone were to lick my arm they could taste the salt just seeping out.

It's before 9am and I'm working on my second glass of water. That was so gross, and I can't let it happen again. I got on the scale and I was at the 200 mark. Blech! I am going to work to flush some of those pounds, hoping that several of them are salt, in the next few days. I know that I can't eat with the same "I don't care what it costs, I have to eat healthy" mantra I had before, but I do need to ensure I'm making the best possible choices when I am able to choose.

I had lots of fun yesterday, but today I just feel gross. I need to remember that.

Bad food + No water = Super Blech.

Mental note.

Work it girl!

2009-06-09T16:46:00.003-07:00

I'm going to a Green Networking cocktail hour today. I'm sure I'm less likely to find the job I can't live without than the appetizer I can't live without, but it's certainly worth a try! I'd love to work in a green industry, or even for a company that understands it's impact, and works to bring down their global footprint.

I'm going for the socialization and the appetizers, but more than ever I think I'm actually going to Network. That has always been my greatest weakness. Market your product? Sure! Market myself? Eeek!

But today I have to put it on out there. I might even put on the tinted lip gloss. :)

My button is stuck

2009-05-27T20:13:00.000-07:00

It has been too long my friend. I think of you often. But while the thought means something with gifts but nothing with blogs. I'd hit that point in life where the words of my grandmother came back to me - "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

I knew I wanted to post something, but decided to read through old posts for some inspiration. Some reflection of where I was, similar struggles I'd had in the past - that sort of thing. Something to help me put words on where I was right now. Suddenly - there it was. It wasn't a post - it was actually a draft. Something that somehow never got posted. This was written 10/26/8 and when I read it, I felt I could have just written it. With just one exception - I've been laid off again. So, not only am I on "Pause" as I mention below, someone just hit "stop" on my finances. (And isn't this just the perfect time to go looking for a job?) Still, the words below are quite timely...

I think somehow, somewhere someone hit the pause button on my life. Of course, life doesn't actually pause. That would be too easy. And we would notice much faster. But I've been noticing it this week and need to figure out how to get it "un-stuck".

My social life is on pause. I feel like I plan on so many things, but then do so little of it.

My weight is on pause. I suppose I should be happy its not on rewind. And it's nice that I have clothes that fit for these dang business trips - but still, I'd rather be losing weight.

My green-ing of my life has been put on pause in a bad way. Tons of flights, bottled water because you can't take a refillable bottle to the airport and gas driving to and from work each day - almost an hour each direction.

I work, I come home, Watch some TV, work some more, go to sleep, repeat.

I think I'm canceling my gym membership because we haven't gone in months. Well, I went once right before I got this job and I really hoped to make that a habit. But that was the only time either of us have gone in 5 months or so. Wasted cash. Then again, if we cancel I'll feel like I'm giving up on one of my goals. Its tough. That one I've put on pause. Easier to avoid than to have to make a decision.

I need to find my un-pause button. Or play. Heck, a little fast forward wouldn't even hurt. Who has my life's TIVO remote?

Crap, its probably me.

Shoes you can use

2009-04-14T19:38:00.003-07:00

I found the most amazing discovery at the drug store near my house. Didn't go looking for them - but there they were.

Shoes.

Now normally I will admit that I tend to favor two specific types of shoes - "How long can I really wear these" heels or nifty All-Stars. This was neither of those. It was a plain brown sandal.

What caught my eye were two of my favorite labels "Made in the USA" and my happy green "Recycle" symbol. Made in the USA and recyclable shoes at Walgreen's? But it gets even better.

- Both the shoes AND the hangers they come on are completely recyclable. Not only are the shoes recyclable in most local facilities, but you can also send them back to the company and they will recycle them into new shoes.

- The shoes are endorsed by the American Chiropractic Association.

- The shoes are antimicrobial and odor resistant (not that anyone has a problem w/ that...)

- To words: Vegan Friendly.

And you now what else - they were darn comfortable. Of course Walgreen's had 2 options, the heels and the flats. Heels = Women's and their label didn't mention the nod from the Chiropractors. Flats = Men's, so of course that's what I got. Then I learn about how they don't leave marks on the floor and how easily they can be put in either a washing machine OR a dishwasher to be cleaned!

On Easter I put these on in the morning and though I meant to change I ended up spending the entire day in them. Even in my awesome All-Stars, which I'd planned to wear that day, my feet start hurting after 4-5 hours of prep and hostessing. But not in these shoes. All night I was comfortable. That has never happened before!

I like to think of these as my first pair of Okabashi's as I will absolutely be getting these again. But next time online so I can get them in girly colors - or maybe ones that I might be able to pull off wearing to work.

Green for earth, healthy for me. Can't ask for more.

1 weekend down, next weekend Easter

2009-04-07T19:23:00.002-07:00

Not only have I made it through tracking my first full week - the important part there being the weekend, which I've struggled with - but The Girlfriend has ALSO started tracking on a daily basis. She's weighing food. She's looking up food online. She's entering new items on the website if things aren't listed. She read labels while shopping.

It's like I'm falling in love all over again. :)

If that wasn't enough - I'm losing weight like I just started a new diet. 8 pounds since March 30th. I'm only about 2 pounds from my prior low.

I have not lost sight of the fact that Easter is next weekend, and I leave for the Philippines the next week. I'm tracking through Easter and I think there is a scale in at least one of the gyms so I'm hoping to keep track of my progress. Knowing is 1/2 the battle, right? Hopefully those chocolate crosants will look a bit less interesting if I see I've gained a few pounds.

Already looking forward to coming home to see the progress of my tracking sweetie. :)

Feeling good and then...

2009-04-01T22:23:00.003-07:00

Today I hit 197.3. Feeling back on track, eating right and tracking my calories daily.

Today, I was told I'm going back to the Philippines in a few weeks.

I've been telling myself that "next time" I went back it would be different. I'd find a way to be healthy in my food choices. I'd find time to work out in the hotel gyms to make up for the food choices where I had less control. I'd eat more fruit, and less chocolate croissants. [oh heavens...how I love their chocolate croissants...] I'd try to track my calories even with food I had no idea what is was called or what was in it. I'd do my best to find a way.

Now, that time has come. I feel like it's too soon. I'm not really feeling strong about it yet. But - I don't have an option about where I go - only what I eat. I leave the weekend after Easter.

I have few weeks to come up with a plan and find the strength to stick to it.

Crap.

Best ate plans....

2009-03-23T22:25:00.003-07:00

If making plans counted, we'd all be thin, fit, rich and have a ton of friends. But let's be honest. They don't.

It's not the thought that counts - it's the gift. Thoughts are extra credit, but only as a percentage of the coolness of the gift itself.

But back to those plans. I had plans. They were good plans. My plan was to have a picnic on the weekend with healthy food and tons of outdoor games, then we'd walk around the whole park and burn off some extra calories. I made the picnic "BYOS" - bring your own sandwich, and we just brought some extra chips and drinks. But then we figured we'd also get a small thing of cookies because there might be kids there. Then we brought fruit for us.

Then we get there and I find out that other folks brought bacon ranch pasta salad, deviled eggs and chicken wings. And by "other folks" I mean The Girlfriend's Aunt. She knows I love deviled eggs. And you know you can't let them just go bad sittng outside... So I had 3ish. And had to at least try a wing. But the the worst thing was how many of these things made it home with us. So we snacked for the rest of the weekend. Never a ton. Just pretty regular snacking.

So after a pretty decent week where I'd seen 197, by Monday morning I was 200 again. Crap. Nice plans, right?

Well, THIS week I'm going to make them happen. We really liked hanging at the park w/ friends. Free and entertaining. Makes you get up and move, even if it was just for the high energy game of croquet. I still moved more than when watching TV. So this week I'm making fruit salad. I'm sticking to only eat what I bring - and the portions I agree on in advance. This time I am going to have the fun without the temptation. And... I'm going to have a talk with The Aunt.

Promise to make this weekend better than the last. Looking forward to my first full healthy week in a long time.

Leaping back, crawling forward

2009-03-12T20:48:00.003-07:00

2.5 Weeks traveling in a foreign country known for a love of fried foods and pork + Period = 202.4

UGH!

Want to die. Too many of my clothes just don't fit the way they did. I just feeeeeeeel fat.

Amazing what 10 lbs can do! I felt darn near skinny at 192. But now it's more like fat-fat the water rat. (Does anyone else remember Ritchie Cunningham calling his wife that?) I've been working there 6 months and have basically gained 10 lbs back. That is NOT good!

I'm back at work in the states now but working extra hard to not over work. (Working hard to not over work? Logic that only an over worker can understand...) Making myself come home at a semi-decent hour even if I'm just jumping back online shortly thereafter. The Girlfriend is saying that it's 100% healthy from here on out and is promising to do better with what she cooks as she knows I don't have the time to do the "healthy cooking" anymore after we go shopping this weekend. Fingers crossed. Dinner last night was basically nachos (She calls it Taco Salad, but there are no vegetables...) and lunch today was chocolate cake from a work birthday. I gave in because a) It was chocolate raspberry cake from AJ's and b) I was out of frozen lunches and the cake looked better than the can of soup. It has to go uphill from there, right?

The goal by end of weekend is to buy good healthy food and do at least one active thing. As I used to say when starting this whole thing off - baby steps.

Why is it the steps backward seem so much larger than the steps forward? Oh well. It all starts with the first steps...

Old habits easier than new ones

2009-01-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

I have 5 minutes until we leave to meet friends for dinner at the Melting Pot for a birthday dinner. We'll be getting just the cheese and the chocolate. Earlier today we went to the zoo and while walking was great, the nachos and McDonald's for snack/lunch was not good. Nor were the Munchkins and Latte that we grabbed on the way there.

And last week I was in NJ for business where I took clients out to eat for 3 dinners and 4 lunches. I ate food I could never afford to eat if I was not being reimbursed. It was amazing. Appetizers, wine, mains, desserts and coffee - and all top shelf stuff.

Last night was another birthday dinner which involved meatloaf and mac and cheese. Why is everything - friendships and business - celebrated and reinforced with food?

This morning I weighed myself for the first time in a few weeks. 199.8 lbs. I'm so mad at myself. And yet - I didn't get the healthy option at McDonald's. And I ate the donuts. And I will be eating the fondue.

This sucks.

And it's all my fault.

2008: A Retrospective

2009-01-02T23:25:00.002-07:00

Another year gone. A few less pounds. A few more gray hairs.

The years go faster and faster and faster. Mama didn't lie about that!

Decided to look back at the year. Let's see what I've done. The good, the bad, the ugly. Then, what I'm hoping to see out of this year.

Weight: 2008
January 1st, 2008 I was 208 lbs. I can't tell you what my weight was on the last day of the year because my scale is acting funny. Cheap scales break. Expensive scales "act funny". I'm hoping to sort it out by this weekend, but last time I checked, which was just a few days before, I was at 193.6. While I'm happy that all this time of not tracking food, not exercising etc has not led to a massive weight gain, looking back to see that in all this time I lost a total of less than 15 lbs this year is pretty scary. And just to make it worse, in April I was down to 190. Of course, August was back to 198. Dang those same 10 lbs I keep losing and gaining for the last 9 months!

Weight: Outlook 2009
I'm have a semi stable job now that, while I need to travel now and then, should allow me to work on better eating habits. The Girlfriend swears she's going to start being healthier this year. Where are we now? House full of sweets from the holiday party. I'm working through them as fast as I can. :) Not exactly moving toward my goal, but I can't throw away yummy food. Just can't do it. Not yet. Do I have a goal here? It's tough. My next bit point is to be a 14/16. That's "normal girl" sized. I dreamed of being a 16 by Christmas, but didn't put in the effort. I promise to put in effort this year. Let's say the dream is to be a 14/16 by my birthday. [Special note here, I'm been saying for awhile now that I want to give my hair to locks of love once my face gets small enough to try short hair. I've been saying I want to give it away next summer for awhile now. I think at 14/16 I can get away w/ short hair. :) ]

Active Lifestyle: 2008
My gym membership should count as a charitable contribution because I never ever go. I've almost canceled it I can't say how many times but I keep hoping that something will change and I'll be able to go again. No such luck. We haven't walked around the neighborhood or the awesome park, and we haven't ridden our bikes in so long I think they both need new tires. I have gotten her to take me dancing a bit more often - but does 6 times a year really count?

Active Lifestyle: Outlook 2009
We got a Wii for Christmas. It's been used quite a few times. Standing up to do anything is better than just sitting there like a lump watching TV. And I'm planning to buy the Wii Fit by Spring (Maybe I can make that a "reward" for doing good w/ healthy eating?) so we can start doing at home simple work. Even if it only gets used on the weekends, it would be a great improvement over what we do now. I still think I might cancel the gym membership. I'm giving myself until February to decide for sure. I want to find at least one other way to bring fitness into our lives without the gym. It would be great if we brought back the bikes (and really used them)or found something else that makes us happy so we do it regularly without feeling like it's a forced work out.

Eco Living: 2008
I put it in the backseat to focus on weight. That wasn't an awful decision, but it's been tough. I'm still the recycle nazi to my friends, but as I've admitted, in times of stress or pure exhaustion even I have slipped. I've traveled a ton with my millions of jobs this year and I've done nothing to off-set it. (I'm also not getting enough miles to on a consistent airline to add up to anything good!!) We still use paper and plastic at our holiday gatherings when I'd really wanted to go with "real plates" to ensure that it was more eco friendly. I still absolutely suck at unplugging things I know I should - like cell phone chargers - when not in use. I didn't have enough time to do much in the way of eco shopping (Farmers markets, local produce, local/sustainable housewares and presents) where I stayed in the super-grocery-marts and Targets of the world because I had no time to drive extra or only buy veggies on a Saturday morning between 8 and 10am. I still have the same car that still gets not enough MPG and I still drive it an hour each day, each way.

Eco Living: Outlook 2009
I worked from home more than usual for the holiday. Woman coming back from maternity leave has already said that she WILL work from home regularly. If I could get them to do work from home 2x a month - that would be AWESOME! Also, I live right down the street from someone who works at the same office. (Insane, but true) and we've both been so busy there was no such thing as a "normal" schedule to figure out carpooling. Once I am sharing the workload, I think I can actually carpool. I know there will be some times we can't do it, but even bringing it down 2x a week would make an awesome dent in my gas bills. If I can do it more than that???? Heaven! and that car that I'll be driving was just paid off so I'll be able to make a financially healthy choice to use that extra cash for the insane credit card debt caused by the same car earlier this year! I want to find more locally owned spots that sell more locally made things. I heard about a butcher that sells the pork it raises organically that's only like 15 min from my house - but of course they have limited hours which means I've not made it there. That needs to change this year - I need to make it a goal.

Healthy mind/spirit: 2008
Really enjoyed going to church at the beginning of the year, but as jobs changed and stress raised, I went less often by the end of the year. Almost the only quiet reflective time I found for myself was when traveling. Staring out at the clouds on one quiet trip, I even wrote a poem. Haven't done that in a few years. On another I pulled out 3 poems and 2 songs (sang to myself in the car, and couldn't remember them by the time I could pull over, but they gave me hours of enjoyment in the car). This was a great reminder to me of how important it is to find those times. The no-tv, no one else needs anything but you kind of quiet times. It was also a big reminder that I have to make those moments happen - they won't always just happen on their own.

Healthy mind/spirit: Outlook 2009
Church makes me happy to go, so I need to get back in the habit. I also need to find time for things that make me happy. Reading a book. Blogging. A good coffeehouse with amazing coffee and cool poetry readings. (OK, wishing a bit too far out on that one I'm sure...) Something that makes that little quiet part of you deep deep inside sit back, close it's eyes and exhale deeply. And how important it is to give that same little part of you something that is all about fun - like karaoke or air hockey or singing loudly with a friend to bad 80's music in the car. Work life balance is important, and if I keep working 18 hours a day I'll never find it. I have to work to keep the job, while keeping some level of balance. This may be the hardest thing I try to do all year - but without that, nothing else here will have the time to happen.

Goodbye 2008. You showed me that even in some crazy crazy times, even if I can't always be moving forward I can make sure I don't take a serious step back. Here's looking forward to 2009!

She's got a ticket to ride

2008-12-13T21:11:00.002-07:00

...and she don't care.

The ticket was for the roller coaster of life, with it's ups and downs, twists, turns and loop-de-loops. I got the ticket. I am riding the train. Sure parts are exciting, but it doesn't take long before she just don't care. She'd like to care, but she's just too dang tired!

You have to pick your battles. I've always said I live by that. Sometimes they battles change from day to day or even hour to hour. Since accepting the new job my goal is keeping the job. They know I'm overworked. They say help is on the way. The Girlfriend is starting to refer to me as her Roomie as she doesn't see me enough to be anything beyond that. She calls the office "My other house". At work there is only work. There is no personal email so I get no daily Ideal Bites. No mental breaks surfing for things on etsy or researching awesome charities like ___ to use as gifts this holiday season. No, there is practically no personal Internet access. And even if there was, heavens knows there isn't the time. The last few days I've started my first call at 6:30am and I'm not leaving the office to come home until 10pm.

I could be frustrated. I could get angry. I could cry (if I was that kind of girl). I could do many emotional things. But I don't. I just don't have the time.

I also don't have the time to track my calories, make fresh food for dinner each night, go shopping for healthy food, and I certainly don't have time to go to the gym or even walk around the neighborhood. I've also found myself slacking off on even the simplest of things. I'm burning though plastic flatware at work because I don't have time to wash and re-use. And hard as this is to admit, I have had a few days where I'm too tired to clean a container that needs to be recycled, so it goes in the garbage.

Guess who's gone back to eating out/picking up/driving through far too often? Far, far too often. I have complained how healthy food costs so much, but I have to say going out to eat this often is more expensive that I'd remembered.

I gained weight again - going back to the higher 190's. But I caught and corrected myself. I make sure my lunch (and often dinner) options, while frozen, are healthier. I try to keep a few pieces of fruit at my desk at all times. I upgraded to a larger water cup so there will be less times without water. I'm bringing the number back down, but I won't make my goal of being a size lower by the end of the year. But I MIGHT still be able to make my goal of being in the 180's. 189 totally counts.

I'm exhausted every day, but I haven't forgotten the joy of seeing a lower number on the scale. And I haven't given up on making a dent in my ecological footprint. I've just had to pick my battles. Right now my battle is making everyone NOT see quite how exhausted I am as I move from day to day. And drinking more water. That's about it. And that - is good enough.

Time to say good-bye

2008-10-10T05:48:00.002-07:00

Dear Mr. Evil Scale,

You and I have been through some serious ups and downs in this last year. You gave me hope and encouragement. You also gave me dire warnings about straying from the path. You also seriously screwed with my head.

You have come with me from house to house over the years - never given the love you craved as I pushed you into the corner of the bathroom where my cat would often walk over you after getting out of her popper and trail kitty litter from her paws across your face. For that, I am truly sorry.

This is very difficult to me, as you know I don't like change unless it comes in the shape of a lower number, but I think it is time for us to part ways.

You see, over the last week I've gone up and down up to 4 lbs from one day to the next. I know there were several unexpected food choices that led to me going astray here and there but 4lbs in a day?

I'm sorry. This isn't about blame.

It's not you. It's me.

You've given me all you can. From oh so many years ago when I picked you up from a Target at the end of the aisle because I was just curious and figured I should know where I was. When I would not get on you for more than 6 months at a time I'm sure you thought I'd abandoned you. And then this last year to get on you at least once every single day - I'm sure you felt comparatively abused.

I need more than you have to give. Years ago I didn't want for anything more than your digital numbers. It was all I needed. But now my needs have changed. I want decimal points. I want water weight. I want fat percentages. It's me who's changed - not you.

Yes. It's true. You have been replaced. I haven't gotten the nerve to tell you to your face so your replacement is still boxed in the living room. I don't want to cause a scene.

Know that I couldn't have made it through this last year without you. I've appreciated everything you've done - including the tough love. It has helped put me back on track many, many times.

While our relationship will end, I am hopeful you will go on for a long and fruitful life. I'm giving you opportunities at a garage sale to find your new special someone, and if that isn't fruitful, I'll make sure you get placed in a nice goodwill location so your next love can be some skinny thing that loves you from day one.

I'm sorry it didn't work out between us, but I continue to wish you the best in your future endeavors.

Thank you.

Mama wants a Volt

2008-09-19T13:11:00.003-07:00

Oh my.

Oh my oh my.

Words that I never thought would escape my lips.

I want a Chevy.

Now long ago, one of the reasons I picked a Dodge Neon over a Honda was that it was an American car maker. (The biggest reason of course was that apparently I had no financially strong role model telling me to buy the frickin' Honda that I could have still been driving today because they last forever...) I've always been pro-American product whenever there is an option for an equal product at a similar price produced in America. With the Chevy Volt though, it's not just Equal - it looks better! 40 miles for no gas at all!!! Then, only limited gas used to power the electric engine after the 40 miles. I thought this was amazing until I saw an interview with the president of GM who explained that one of the options is a roof that will allow the car's electric engine to RE-CHARGE while you're busy at work or out power shopping!!! How awesome is that??? Drive TO work using electricity pulled from my house. Drive home from work using the power of the sun!

I'm a bit overwhelmed.

As much as I want a new Chevy Volt, it's not going to happen for a long time. First, it's not going to be available for several more years. Then, unfortunately, that price is a bit steep. I have a little "Mama wants a Prius" jar at home and the $38.74 saved in there hasn't gotten me any closer to that $23K car than I was when I started. How the heck am I going to get a $40K car???

Well, it's a beautiful dream. And it's great to know that the option is even going to be out there for folks! Even if it is for folks with more cash-o-la than me. A few less gas guzzling cars of the road is always a good thing. Maybe by 2015 there will be some good Electric car competition to bring those prices down. I'll cross my fingers.

Speaking of being green with your cars, I just did the most green thing I could do at quite a financial price. I fixed my current car instead of buying a new one. Timing belt, Water Pump, Struts, Breaks, New battery, Tune up, Oil change and a few other "Parts" that make things run more smoothly. $2300 later (not counting the interest I'll be paying on that credit card), I know that I've made the most Green decision I can. Keeping the car vs. sending it to the junker. Fricking Expensive, but Green. Could have been a down payment on a Prius, but no... I made the GREEN decision to keep my current car.

Gotta love that Green car smell. It's like oil, grease, Febreeze and just the faintest touch of sadness. And it's expensive, but worth it.

Just like the Volt.

The impossible dream

2008-09-11T20:41:00.002-07:00

Dear heavens it's been a month and a half. Where the heck did the time go? For a while there it all went to my waist. And my hips. And my ass. Of course, not my boobs. First to go, last to come back... But I digress...

Do you remember that dream I had? That dream that I thought had been realized? I dreamed a simple dream - working at home. Able to eat healthy. No drive through or "home baked" temptations. Saving gas and being good to the environment. More time at home since I wouldn't be driving so I could take more time to make dinners and go to the gym. It was a beautiful dream. Then, I got the job that allowed me to work from home. Everything seemed so beautiful. At least, for the first week.

Since then it's been an endless cycle of hell. I worked an average of 14 hours a day. That doesn't include the late night calls I might get until about 12:30am Eastern Time. My "short" days, of which I think I've gotten maybe 4 in the last 4 months, were 12 hour days. Working by 3:30am on Monday and 4am every other day of the week means going to sleep by 9:30pm which pretty much kills all chances of a decent social life - especially since I'm working until 7pm and haven't gotten to shower yet that day. Whew.... In with the good air... out with the bad....

Last week I accepted a position at a new company. I'll be driving to and from work about 45 min to an hour each way. Good for the environment? Not really. But ya know what, I think this one is going to be SO much healthier for ME! Sorry Earth - it's time to be a little bit selfish if you want me to make it through to encourage folks to recycle for another day!

Now, as to a weight update. When last we left I was at 194 Pre-Travels. Well, after a week in Atlanta and their awesome southern cooking (and mandatory dinners with the clients), I came home at 198. I was pissed with myself. I let myself be angry, then I tried to clean it up. But tracking my food on TDP seemed like the BIGGEST chore! It wasn't really - but I was so stressed with work, anything not 100% required was too, too much. I've been slowly bringing it back in August even without tracking, but I knew that to "take it to the next level" I needed to start tracking. Today is my 3rd day of tracking with TDP again and I'm back at 191 - my prior low number. I'm glad to be there, and focused for what is to come.

You see, with this new job I'll be doing some traveling in the next month. I'll be in the Philippines for a few weeks. How much luck do you think I'll have in finding the calorie content of the hotel food to track it? Or some street vendor? How about the translation issues of having to ask those "is this healthy" kind of questions? Well, it will be tough, but I know I want to balance being healthy with giving in to try a few special things as they may present themselves. After all, weight loss is a goal - but enjoying the journey is mandatory!

So, my short term goal is to be in the 180's by the time I leave for the trip. This isn't much of course - just 2 lbs would get me there. May not seem like much, but I haven't been in the 180's since I was in my early 20's. And yes, that WAS a long time ago.

Next I have a new happy hurdle! I realized today that once I am at 185 lbs, just 7 lbs from today, I will have lost 50 lbs. in total. How HUGE is that? Seems insane to me! ME? Lose 50 lbs? Are you kidding? NOPE!

New job. New goal. New motivation. And most importantly - new post to talk about it!

It won't be a month and a half until you hear from me again. I'll have too many good things going on to not share them with the world! Or at least the 2-3 folks who read this from time to time.... :)

And so begins the downward spiral...

2008-07-22T19:06:00.005-07:00

I was doing so good. And then....

BAM! 15-18 hour days including ALL weekend!

BAM! The Girlfriend gets sick and can't cook anything healthy!

BAM! I'm extra hungry due to lack of sleep and stress.

So we ordered pizza. But for only a few bucks more than 1 pizza their special is for 3 so we get 3. And as I'm so busy it becomes Dinner that night, and then lunch and dinner the next.

Tuesday morning, after only about 3.5 hrs of sleep as I'm heading off to the airport I weigh myself - something I hadn't had time to do in 3 days. 194. Fuck!

And then there is traveling....

This is my first time traveling w/ only carry-on luggage. I don't know if I'll be able to do it again. No room for a jacket - sudden thunderstorms my first night. No room for my "healthy" snacks -and no healthy food nearby. No rental car and of course this time I get a suite with a full kitchen.

So tonight, I head out in weather where everyone in the lobby says it looks like a hurricane is coming (hurricane is actually a state over...), with rain starting to come down and winds whipping up a storm, while wearing shorts, a t-shirt and flip flops. I ask about healthy options, but none is in quick walking distance, and how much walking do I need to do in this weather. I end up in a diner and there is nothing close to healthy. I could have done better than this, but I got a big juicy patty melt with fries. As I was finishing my dinner I saw that a nearby table had gotten a huge piece of cake. I have seriously been jonesing for chocolate cake. I gave in and bought some ho-ho's last week to just get a similar taste without buying the whole cake (which may sound strange, but it worked temporarily for far less calories). I immediately wanted it. Badly. So, as I left I got a big piece of chocolate cake - figuring it would be dessert tonight and breakfast tomorrow and I walk home with it firm in that conviction through the pouring rain. Well... it's gone. That thing was SO good! And they have about 8 other varieties of cake (including red velvet that looked SO good) and it's right across the street. But of course tomorrow is a client dinner that is at a southern food restaurant - client picked the location. Nice.

Do airplanes hate me? Is there something in airplane air that destroys all sense of willpower and purpose?

I can't figure it out, but I'm not myself today. Or rather, I'm my old non-healthy self today. Ah.. I remember it well. Not thinking about food. Just getting what looked good. Eating things based on how they tasted, not based on the numbers on the side of the box. Happy times and easy times - but fat times.

Tonight I go to sleep, full of hope (and chocolate cake) that tomorrow will be a slightly happier, dryer and healthier day.

5 down, oh so many to go...

2008-07-14T16:36:00.008-07:00

I am a bad, bad girl.

Bad. Bad Girl.

How could it have been 2 weeks since my last post? I know life is a bit of a blur these days, but there are so many times that I meant to post something that somehow I feel that at least one of those should have counted and turned into a real post but I suppose that's not really how it happens now is it? Oh, if only that were the only way I was bad.

It's been well documented that I've been eating crap. Crap, crap and more crap. Crap-o-la. I tried to toss in at least one healthy meal a day, but that was quickly taken over by sudden cravings for Doritos or chocolate or Pizza. And I gave in. I was weak. One weak behavior begot another and it never quite seemed like it was "time" to go 100% back to being healthy.

And then Mr. Scale showed me 197.

But I wasn't mad at Mr. Scale - I was mad at myself. I did it all to myself. I could have been in the 170's by now if I'd kept up with it and instead I let myself not just be dormant, but actually gain back a few pounds through sloppy eating choices. To suddenly see 3 pounds away from the dreaded 200 was enough to get me off my butt. That was July 9th. I started tracking my calories again on TDP immediately. Even though with the new job I had "no time" I knew I had to find the time. I had to make it happen.

Turns out, my body didn't really want that extra weight. Through normal healthy eating I've been really surprised at the results.

July 9 - 197
July 11 - 196
July 12 - 194
July 13 - 193
July 14 - 192

Fine - tell me it's water weight. Tell me it's whatever you want to call it. All I know is I'm down 5lbs in less than a week so I'm over the moon.

My next challenge? I go out of town in a week, and I've always allowed myself to make less than ideal food decisions when traveling for work. This time it will have the additional challenge of a) Being in Atlanta where I hear the food is amazing and b) Being car-less so all my food must be within walking distance. No fridge, no microwave, no grocery store.

In my ideal world I'd have one suitcase just for bottled water, fruit, 100 calorie snacks and of course Mr. Evil Scale. Hmmm... do they make traveling scales? Perhaps it's time to give Mr. Scale a friend...

Let me eat cake

2008-06-28T21:17:00.002-07:00

Tomorrow I eat cake. Ok, well, I actually chose to go with giant cupcakes instead of cake this year. So... mini-cakes. Tomorrow I eat cake and pizza and non-diet soda. That was my splurge, right?

Oh the crap that I have eaten in the last few days. I haven't even bothered to get on the scale because the result would surely scare the crap out of me.

On my birthday, a Wednesday, we went out for Mexican food. Then we went to the grocery store. I wanted dessert and figured maybe I'd get something sweet there while I picked up some salad and stuff for the week. I got fresh baked cookies from the bakery. I was actually craving that EXACT cookie all day, so when I saw them there, I had to get them. Chewy chocolate cookies with pecans. I don't even like freaking nuts and yet I had been fantisizing about these dang cookies. I got two containers. I call them Birthday Cookies now. I say hello to them every time I pass them in the kitchen. "Hi Birthday Cookies!" "Good Morning Birthday Cookies!" "Well hello Birhtday Cookies - you're looking lovely and smelling great today!" Over the next 2 days I ate about 3 a day. Still have about 3 left from container #1 as of Saturday night. Not as bad as I could have been - sure, but not really healthy either.

The next day we go to Costco to order the cake and pick up some healthy cereal for me as I'm out. We eat Costco Pizza and I give in to non-diet soda. I'm a bad, bad girl. Lucky for me they weren't offering samples that day...

Friday we go out to eat at a new Cajun spot. Honestly, while it waasn't exactly great, the gumbo wasn't TOO bad. Chicken and sausage, but there wasn't much sausage. Mostly rice and fresh veggies. But the potato salad, mac & chees and those lovely hushpuppies weren't exactly diet food.

Saturday breakfast started good, as it always does, but it was pretty much down hill from there. Fast food fried chicken sandwich, fries and a non-diet coke for lunch. M&M's in the movie. Starbucks at the store. Soft pretzel at the mall. Around 9pm I realize I haven't had any water yet today. And the closest thing to a vegetable were the pieces of soggy tomato I bit into before I pulled them off my sandwich at lunch. Wow. I suck.

Do I want to try to say that I needed this time? It would be a lie. But it certainly would be a convenient one. Really, it's just a matter of allowing travel to let me fall back into old habits. I need to MAKE myself work harder both when I'm at home and when I travel. Looking at the food in the aisles at the store today just made me angry. It was all SO bad for you. But it was easy. It was convenient. It was my reminder. Easy and convenient is what got me to 235. I am never, never, never going to be there again. I can't keep sliding. An off day - heck an off week can't derail me the way it has recently. Time to pick myself up by the bootstraps. [Since I don't wear boots should that be bra straps? Not sure...]

I will allow 1 more bad day because it's already planned and I know that even if I was being healthy the rest of the time I'd let myself splurge for my birthday. But as of Monday it's back to the scale. By the end of the week I want to have measurments too. Scares the crap out of me, but it has to happen. Because the results of doing nothing, staying in this cycle of crap, scares me even more.

Happy not-so-healthy birthday to me!

2008-06-23T20:52:00.003-07:00

Today I made plans for my birthday. The plans involve pizza and cake. None of these things will be the "healthy versions". I may give in to some non-diet soda as well because something about pizza + bowling alley = either Root Beer or Cherry Coke, and these things rarely come in diet at a bowling alley.

Not quite healthy.

Today I planned to do an early dinner so we could FINALLY make it out to the gym. It's only been 3-4 months. Insane. I'm paying a whole lot for the pleasure of holding a card in my pocket. So we made plans to go. And what happened? She was tired. I was swamped with work. Excuses given, gym excused. So what did we do after dinner? Watch tv and share some ice cream. It felt awesome at the time. Some nice cozy at home time. Then I realize I have to be asleep in 90 minutes, still haven't done most of the work that was my reason for staying home in the first place and now I have to stay up to do it all which means I'm getting less sleep. More stress. Less sleep. Less exercise.

Not healthy at all.

While I'm not gaining weight, I'm not losing anything either. I tried using TDP the other day and it lasted 2 days. I'm just SO busy in the new job that I don't feel like I have the time. It requires planning to eat healthy. Who has time for planning?

Sigh... I need to. The Girlfriend said she really wants to get the house healthy again. She wants me to start eating healthy again because she knows how much I enjoyed it (most of the time) and how it made me feel good about myself. Right now I feel fat - super fat. When so much of this process is mental - it's a sad fact that I am already feeling a bit defeated when in actuality I've been decently successful prior to the new job.

I need to find that thing. That motivator. That kick in the pants.

But first, I'm eating my frickin' birthday cake.

My old nemesis

2008-06-10T10:28:00.005-07:00

Left for Business trip (Sunday) - 190

Back from Business trip (the next Saturday) - 192

After 1 full day of being at home and realizing it was THAT time of the month (Monday) - 194

After bad but not awful eating the very next freaking day (Tuesday) - 196

Well hello, Evil Scale. How nice of you to drop by again. It certainly can be good to get a reminder now and then that one days eating habits can have a rather nasty effect on the next day's numbers. That said, let's be honest. I did not gain 4 pounds in 3 days. While there were times that I wished I could eat that much, I did not. Now I know I've slacked a bit. I know I haven't had enough fiber and water. I know I haven't tracked my food since before I left town. I know the Dairy Queen dipped cone last night was not a necessary thing. But a little soft serve does not a pound make.

Now, you know it's a rough time for me as I have guests in town and many of the restaurants we'll be going do not have much in the way of healthy choices. I know it's my decision to go there anyhow. But your current behavior is your choice too. You don't have to choose to round up. You don't have to choose to add on your extra "I think you're going the wrong direction" lbs just to catch my attention. Trust me - 1 lb in the wrong direction is MORE than enough to catch it. But 4 lbs in 3 days?

We'll let's just say that if you have the continued need to pad the figures and round up then I may have to choose to get that sleek new digital scale that has detail to the tenth pound (one decimal point) that I've been thinking about. You do your part and I will do mine.

Sound like a good deal? I hope so, because it's the only one you're going to get.

Nebraska Dreaming

2008-06-03T20:27:00.001-07:00

I walked to work today. Then, I walked to Starbucks. Twice. Then, I walked home. Then, after a few hours of working, I walked to dinner. I thought about walking across the street to grab a movie at the theater, but there wasn't really enough time. Then, I walked home.

I love this city.

I'm in Lincoln, Nebraska, home of the Huskers, to visit with one of our call centers out here. They are right across from the University in lovely downtown Lincoln. And I'm in love. I walk everywhere. I CAN walk everywhere. It's like a green heaven. Well, unless you consider that I had to fly to get here. Takes some of the green out of it. And - when I asked about the nearest grocery store where I could pick up some water and fruit, it was a 5-10 min drive. Is this bad? Not for some mom & pop shop where the guy has been polishing apples and putting them in a pyramid for the last 40 some years. But finding the place closed at 7:50pm on a weekday hurt just a little bit.

Now I'm absolutely dying for Phoenix to "catch up" with the downtown they've got going here. Oh, I know it will never be the same - we just don't have the same # of historical buildings all close together and walkable-like. But man - when I see how amazing it can be, and how well it can all work together - I'll admit I'm more than a bit jealous.

Oh - and I have a great hotel and I'm not sick. How much more do I love this place?

Tons.

So, flying here isn't green. But this city certainly can be - and pretty easily. I wonder how many cities don't even realize how good they've got it. And, I'm wondering how willing I'd be to trade in my 2K+ Square feet, 2 car garage and back yard with future fruit trees for an awesome downtown spot if I thought my downtown could ever be close to this? Or, even if it couldn't?

Off to dream in green....

Day 4, or maybe 7 if you count the hours...

2008-05-15T20:06:00.004-07:00

I've always had a not-so-secret nerd crush on Dilbert.

Who has worked in an office and not seen themselves or others in the office in a far too close to the truth form staring up from that comic strip? I used to post them regularly around my desk. Some done with only humor in mind. Some in hopes that the right person would casually see them, realize it was all about them and immediately stop whatever it was they were doing.

I fondly and vividly remember the series he did when Dilbert was given the opportunity to telecommute. As I'm finishing my first week of telecommuting, I realized it's not quite what I expected all those years ago.

While quite different, there are some interesting parallels.

Day 1 - I was too busy working to think about the time I saved by not having to drive into an office.

Day 2 I did decide to skip the shower until that evening. After staying up late to get a few extra things set up, I wasn't excited about needing to be up by 3:30am to be able to shower. Stay up til 3? Sure! Get up at 3? I don't think so.

Day 3 - Throwing pencil at the ceiling? But then I'd have to clean my own ceiling. A trait much better left in the office. But, I did get a bit "working from home wild and crazy". I baked a cake. not from scratch, and the frosting came right out of a can, but I did bake it. During my lunch hour. Well, the baking was during lunch hour. Wait, does it count as a lunch hour when my laptop was on the island and I was sending email while adding the eggs?

Day 4 - I am totally pro-clothes. I was in a meeting today though - but I was so busy working through it I hardly remember what was discussed. Pretty sure beards didn't come up. I did find out that I'll be traveling again the first week in June and I can expect to be even busier in the next few weeks.

I'm working 14 hour days (at least, with breaks here and there) and (so far) I'm loving it. There has to be something seriously wrong with me, I know. But for now, I'm just going to sit back (in my office chair), relax (get back to work on a project for tomorrow), and enjoy it.

Emotional pizza

2008-05-06T18:28:00.003-07:00

As I blow my nose and eat my delivered pizza, I realize that I've only had a single bottle of water today. Right now I'm about as far from healthy as you can get.

And yet this weekend I bought my first size 16 shorts. Well...my first size 16 on the way DOWN vs. on the way up....

I was pretty darn elated about it too. Also, before my trip I bought some size 18 things from a "regular" sized store - not the women's section - and they fit just great. I was almost over the moon on that one. It's one thing to be a "Women's" 18, but to be a regular old 18 was pretty cool. So why am I eating pizza?

Well, I'll tell you. My trip of errors is still not over. While the nausea has subsided, I have been struck with an awful cold/allergies (still not sure what as no medicine is working) and am almost constantly blowing my nose. No other signs, just blowing my nose and lovely sinus drainage. Lovely, don't you think?

So tonight when I was tired generally crabby, but when the idea of ordering Pizza and being lazy in my room made me momentarily happy, I knew I had to jump on it. There hasn't been a lot of happy on this trip. I did my research and found a small mom & pop shop and ordered from there. It wasn't the best pizza ever, but it gave me some happiness.

Emotional eating? You bet. Do I feel bad about it? Heck no.

Perhaps I should. I mean, I did have my oatmeal for breakfast, and a healthy salad for lunch to help sorta balance out the 1/2 a pizza I'm eating for dinner, but I still knowingly made an emotional decision to eat comfort food. I know it isn't good for me. And I know this isn't the way to lose more weight. But today, I just wanted a slice of happy. And for now, I'm ok with that.

I'm also not feeling bad about the 8 pieces of chocolates/fudge that I bought from a local spot out here yesterday. Walked the whole place. I knew I could have gotten much more. But instead I hand picked one of that and two of that and had her put it in a bag. Since yesterday I've had 3 pieces. It makes me a bit happy when I see the bag in the morning. It gives me hope thinking about it waiting for me when I get home. Again, am I making an emotional attachment to food? Well, sort of. I loved the buying of it almost more than the eating of it. (It's not as good as See's Candy back home.) It was so fun to spoil myself with a pedicure and a few hand picked chocolates, followed by dinner with good book. It was a Me evening. And if girl can't give in to a piece of chocolate now and then, what good is she?

When I get home I am going to be SO good again. Lots of water. Tracking my food again. Planing out meals. Getting more exercise. But for now, I'm making the best of a crappy out of town experience. Pizza and chocolate won't make it all better, but for tonight, they certainly do help.

Attempting to choose my own adventure - finally

2008-05-01T19:48:00.002-07:00

Warning: The post you are about to read is blunt. Those with a weak stomach may want a friend to proof-read it for you first...

I'm hoping for a fresh start in hotel room #2 in my great "new job" adventure. Why a fresh start you may ask? Let's review.

#1 - My flight was late. About 30 min late. Not huge except the flight was already coming in SO late at night. It touched down about midnight.
#2 - My bag was the last one sent out from my flight. Maybe not last, but the crowds were gone. I think there was one guy left besides me...
#3 - The rental car wasn't in the right place. I was going up and down the levels until I finally found it myself - no help from the folks who worked there.
#4 - The GPS didn't work and I had no other back up directions because FOR ONCE I put my faith in having everything work out the was supposed to work.
#5 - Because I have to unpack before I can go to bed (though frankly that only takes 15-20 min max) I didn't lay down in bed until a bit after 2. And because I had just been running all over town, I was SO awake. It was well after 2:30am by the time I got to sleep.
#6 - The alarm went off at 5:30am. I was pretty exhausted through my first day at my first job. I caught my head bobbing a few times during a VERY important meeting. Great first impression...
#7 - I find out the internet in my room isn't working. The hotel and internet folks blame my laptop, and as it's new, I can't say anything. My first impression with IT will now be the girl who can't even make her internet work. Nice.
#8 - Trying to make my first day a bit better I stop in for some supplies at Trader Joe's. Decided to grab some pre-made food for dinner - healthy and cheap so the company should appreciate it. While I love Trader Joe's and will not stop shopping there - I got food poisoning eating the shrimp.
#9 - Day 2 of work I am late because I'm to busy throwing up and crapping I can't even make it into the shower. I finally make it in to work and spend the rest of my day running into the bathroom 2-3 times an hour until there is just nothing else to come out.
#10 - After Day 2, my plan is to come home, rest for a bit and then read through the benefit information I've been given. Heck no. I'm totally exhausted now and have a serious case of the chills. All I can do is crank up the heater, put on my jogging suit and crash out under the covers. I was basically out for the rest of the night.
#11 - I wake up on Day 3 too exhausted to get out of bed when the alarm goes off. I feel like I've been beaten up in a back alley - but from the inside out. I can't move without it hurting everywhere. I tell myself I'll sleep for 30 more minutes.
#12 - I am 2 hours late for work because I overslept. Didn't wake up until a girl from work called me to make sure I was ok after yesterday. Nice.

After finally getting to work and promising myself that today would be a different day - it was. I was able to take back some control. Learn a bit more. Talk to IT in an educated way about what I learned and what I needed. I had a fiber bar for breakfast and healthy Subway for lunch. After some fancy footwork with the Hotel proving to them the internet issue was their issue and not mine (pulled out the internet cable from their business center computer and put it in my laptop to prove it worked on their system - my idea, not IT's) they volunteered to give me a new room. King size bed instead of the queen I'd had. I lose my lovely view of the flowering tree, but I also lose the smell of the sushi and throw-up that I just couldn't get out of that other room. I figure it's a darn solid trade. I ate an unhealthy but felt good to my tummy dinner (fried chicken breast & mashed potatoes) that has filled me up so I'll sleep great tonight to start my first 100% fresh day at the office.

Off to sleep shortly to begin my newer and healthier day. It can't come soon enough...

Walking for health

2008-04-26T08:24:00.003-07:00

There is a great organization out there called the Y-ME National Breast Cancer Organization. While other groups work to find a cure in the future, Y-ME's focus is on providing help to those who are fighting breast cancer today. Their 24 hour support line staffed by others who have beat cancer is absolutely invaluable. Their other services are equally amazing - but the best part is that they are all provided at absolutely no cost. Everything is funded through our personal fundraising. Y-ME has been around for 30 years

Last year I wanted to participate in their annual Walk to Empower. I had friends participating. The Girlfriend was walking in it too. But I didn't. Frankly, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to complete it. And who wants to be the fat girl sitting on the side of the street out of breath while the walking grannies speed walk right past you? Not me.

This year, I've registered to walk. Losing that weight (so far) and my trips to the gym (though recently those are a fond memory) has made me confident that I'll be able to finish this one.

I really encourage everyone to learn more about Y-ME. They really are an amazing organization. And if you're reading this before Mothers Day 2008, feel free to support me in the walk too. Because really, it's not supporting me so much as it is contributing to this great organization. My personal page, where you can also find out more about Y-ME, is http://main.y-me.org/goto/healthyorbust .

Let's keep focused on being healthy and keeping others healthy. One step at a time.

Grasping the sweet, sweet carrot

2008-04-11T22:39:00.006-07:00

How long have I wanted a job where I could telecommute? So long. We can fondly remember the (lies) dreams once discussed at a prior job, and it was regularly held out as a carrot encouraging me to wait a bit longer, work a bit harder, hold on just a few more weeks. But we all know what happened there, right? A big whopping nothing followed by no job at all either.

But the whole world has changed. I have the carrot. In fact, right now it's feeling so good it's like carrot cake. Sweet - so sweet.

I was offered and I have accepted the job where I'll be 100% telecommuting from home.

[Woo hoo! Ahhhhhh!!! The crowd goes wild!!!]

Yea, I'll be killing some serious carbon emissions with the travel I'll be doing, but it's something, right? I've already thought about looking into carbon offsets but I think it's a bit too soon for that.

I fly back there in 2 weeks to learn their systems and get a good feeling for how they run their systems. I'm already a bit scared that they have me down as spending just a week there. Eek! I'd really like to make it 2 weeks, but we'll see...

So - one goal achieved. And yet, is it? We'll have to see how much flying I actually do to know how it all balances out. But for now - the carrot is mine.

Long live the carrot.

Not so focused

2008-04-05T21:40:00.002-07:00

A few dinners out. A weekend of bad hotel/interview food. That's apparently all it takes to gain 2 lbs. 196 looked so nice on the way down, but after 194 it looked downright evil. I hated 196. The only thing that scared me more was the prospect of seeing a 2 again! EEEK!!

I've tried to be good, but I have NOT been as good as I once was. Bad food in the house. Dinner out with friends. Unable to easily track my food at work (and since I generally have no time to even cook decent food, where would I get the time to track food?) or any other time. It's been slow, but I got 194 back and held on to it. Today I saw 193. It's day 1 so completely unofficial, but I have my fingers crossed to see it tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow we're doing lunch with her aunt at a The Farm at South Mountain. Unknown calories, but all about natural, organic and healthy living. It makes me happy every time I go. Not so bad. Dinner on the other hand is with The Aunt who lived with us for the last year. It's a thank you dinner for help over the last year and for moving all of her stuff. Smothered pork chops, rice and gravy. I don't anticipate a vegetable - though if I know here there MIGHT be one covered in cheese or overly cooked with butter and salt. That said - I'm not anticipating to be 193 on Monday. But wouldn't it be a nice surprise Mr. Scale???

The girlfriend told me that this is her LAST unhealthy weekend. I know I've heard it before, but I have higher hopes this time. Her "buddy" who supports/encourages beer drinking and less-healthy dinner outings is joining a work based weight loss contest with money on the line. If her Buddy stays on track, I'm thinking my sweetie will as well. Well, at least most of the time. I can confirm that these will be my last smothered or fried pork chops for a long, long time. Gotta get serious. Have to find a way to start tracking better again. Have to find a new job so I can actually make it to the gym again. Have to stay focused.

Focus in my personal life has never been my greatest skill, but writing it down helps. My next quick goal is to be 18_. I'm SO close - but I've been close for a long time. Have to get it. Have to reach a goal to remind myself how great it feels to get there. And how hard you push for the next one. Focus. Focus. Focus. Or something like that.

Tick, Tick, Tick...

2008-03-31T20:32:00.002-07:00

I once thought the biological clock was absolutely the loudest one around. I have discovered that there is a louder internal clock. The "Did I get a job that will let me telecommute?" internal clock.

I called my house 4 times today to check messages. I actually logged into my email once today to see if they sent anything over. Logged into email at work!!!! Can you imagine???

The day was a blur. All I remember is "Did they call yet?" and "Do you think they've called yet?" followed, once I found out they hadn't called, by "When do I think they'll call?". I was a mess.

But a happy mess. I think I did well in the interviews. The last person I met with said I'd impressed the other folks who met with me. In fact, he said I dazzled them. We'll see. Did I impress them enough for me to telecommute? That's what it's all about. I left there with a feeling that if I was local, the job could have been mine. But as I have no interest in moving to Ohio any time soon, and The Girlfriend has made it clear that she has NO interest in returning to Ohio EVER - I think we'll just have to see if they were willing to take me from here.

Deep breath. One more. Maybe one more. Repeat. After several more sets of the same I start to chill just a bit. In with the good air, out with the stressed air.

Whoooooooooooooooooo......

2008-03-27T17:40:00.002-07:00

This morning I got up, went to the airport and got on a plane. I'm in Ohio right now. Flight was good. (Thanks for asking) But this post isn't just about the destination - it's about the journey.

So as you'll remember, I was out of work about a while ago. Got a new job about a month ago and while I can make it work out just fine - it's not my dream job and I'm not their dream employee. We both know it, and we went into the relationship with open eyes. About a week ago I got an email from a friend about a job she thought I might like. Doing something I've done before - something I know how to do pretty darn well. She thinks it might be a good match. But how would I feel about telecommuting?

How would I feel? How would I feel??? I'd be pretty darn out of my mind excited. Healthy food choices. Ability to do a few things around the house during "lunch". Easier access to the gym. And let's talk about the money I'd be saving on gas - which is getting more expensive every day. Yea - I think I'm ok with telecommuting.

So after a phone interview with the company they decide to fly me out for an interview. I've never been flown anywhere for an interview before and feels like such a compliment. They could be flying out 20 people, but I'm still taking it as a compliment.

I'm feeling a bit more confident in my newer slimmer self so I'm less scared about the face to face. I like my new size 18 suits. Interesting observation - I was able to pack everything I needed in just my overnight bag and my regular purse. Including a thick trench coat (that I bought big from the thrift store when I was a size 9 and just realized I can finally button it up again...), 3 pairs of shoes and my suit. I've tried to do that before and it never worked. Never. I have decided it fits better because the clothes are smaller. Might not be true, but it certainly made me feel better.

Then, when picking out my "wear to the air port and get picked up by an employee of the company" outfit, found one that was fun, modern and professional. I looked semi-hot. Well, maybe a bit more than semi-hot as I was getting several of "those" looks today. The guy who normally yells at folks to put their shoes in the basket was complimenting me on my shoes and calling me sweetie - while giving me one of "those" smiles. I almost forgot how much I missed things like that.

Then, when finally on the plane - I fit in the chair without touching the guy next to me. Sure, our elbows touched now and then, but my thigh stayed on its own cushion. My butt didn't push at the arm rests the way it used to do. Wearing a shirt that was pretty fitted around the waist, some "hugs the curves" jeans and high heels - I was actually comfortable on the plane. Really comfortable. Not just kinda comfortable. Completely.

Tonight I had my first contact with folks from the company. Not once in any of those conversations did my mind drift to the fact that I was too fat for the job, or that I would be judged by my weight. These are things that used to haunt me all the time - especially in situations like this where you KNOW the person is looking for faults.

In no way am I thin. Not even close. But what a difference 40 lbs makes.

Tomorrow is the big interview day - from 10:30am until 4:30pm. I'm going to be judged, poked and prodded. Luckily, there's 40 lbs less to judge, 40 lbs less to poke and prod. And if they like what they see - Mama gets to telecommute. Oh yea baby.

Fingers crossed...

I think I'm showing

2008-03-25T22:42:00.002-07:00

I've had several comments over the last week about how thin I'm looking. While I think this is a hilarious farce of reality - I accept that it is all said with love from my friends to whom the thin and/or skinny references simply mean "less than before". Were I to actually show up suddenly skinny on the doorstep of any of my friends I believe they would all hold me down until the ambulance could arrive - that is, if they could even recognize me.

But as I was saying oh, so subtly, I'm not skinny. I'm not thin. But I think I'm finally "showing" that I've lost some weight. The Girlfriend was reading my friend's blog the other day and when looking at an older post she saw a picture of me and actually called me into the room to talk about it. She said that while she knew I'd lost weight, and she sees it in all the right places (cough, cough) she hadn't really looked at a picture of me from before the weight loss. She had me sit near the desk so she could look back and forth and said it was pretty shocking. When I looked at it - I can honestly say I saw it too. It wasn't as "oh my goodness" as it was for her, but there was clearly a difference. For the better. That was nice.

I'm still a "big girl". I still feel like I've lost so relatively little that it's not even worth mentioning half the time. Like taking 2 bites out of a foot long sandwich - there's still a LOT more where that came from. (Of course a food reference from the fat girl...) But, even I feel different about being able to say I've lost 40 lbs than I did about say 25. 40 lbs is SOMETHING. 40 lbs is something you see listed on magazine covers. It's something that you'd be really impressed with if it was someone else. But in this case it's not. It's just me. Me - 40 lbs lighter than when I started.

Makes me feel a bit lighter just thinking about it. Wonder how I'll feel after I've lost the next 40? Personally, being less than 180 seems so almost unrealistic. I can hardly even push to imagine what being 160 will be like. Seems so far away. Sort of like when I was imagining what it would be like to be under 200. But here I am....

Dreaming the impossible dream. Fighting the unwinnable foe and, oh so slowly, winning.

Feeling it again

2008-03-18T21:44:00.003-07:00

My focus was gone. But it is back. It is so back.

I am feeling the bones in my hands in a new way when I wash my hands. The other day it hit me that it felt "different". My first mental image was that I was washing someone else's hands. They were so... skeletal? I'm still fat for sure, but my hands felt downright dainty.

That same day when washing my face in the shower I really "felt" my jaw line and cheek bones. Was it my gently diminishing face or my newly skeletal hands?

And last week I had my arms crossed and it hit me that the meaty part of my arm right below my elbow felt much smaller. I still had tons to squeeze of course, but it felt a bit mushier. More on it's way out than previously.

Yesterday, it was something new. My upper legs. Siting in a, well, familiar seat were one often sits without pants I was struck that something looked "different". It was my fat. My fat looked different in my upper leg. Less all one chunk, and a bit more loose and ready to move. It's a pattern I've noticed in other parts of my body. First, the fat "loosens up" a bit - then it just goes away. Well, it at least changes a bit. Still fat. Still clear on that. Still have miles and miles to go. But I have a few less steps. Today is my 3rd day at 194. Ya know what that means? 40 pounds. That is so insane to me. Completely unrealistic. Almost as bizarre as how lose my pants have become. I never would have believed it was possible.

I slipped. I lost focus. I never gave up, and I'm actually pretty proud of that. I just temporarily took my eye off the ball.

It's back, baby. It's back.

Next stop? Size 16. What was once an impossible dream is now my next realistic goal. So bring it on. I'm ready. I'm up for the fight. Me and my skeletal hands will take you down one glass of water at a time.

Popcorn sins

2008-03-12T20:43:00.002-07:00

Frickin' popcorn smell....

I walk into my house after a long hard day, hoping that there will be dinner waiting for me or ready shortly. Instead I smell the popcorn. Normally I can avoid it, but today I was hungry. Half a bag of popcorn later - I am aware I've had my first semi-mindless cheat. I slipped oh so quickly into that old mindset of "not thinking" about food. When I grew up popcorn was a healthy snack. In today's world of microwaved butter and salt with popcorn on the side - it's not so healthy.

But dang it tasted good. My lips are still burning a bit from the salt. But in a good way. Mmmmm...

Then I realize it's 8:30pm, I haven't eaten real dinner yet and I need to go to bed in about 90 minutes to an hour.

Crap. Not a great choice. But I didn't finish the bag of popcorn. And in a few minutes I'm going to get a glass of water and search for some fruit. Hmmm....Popcorn and canned peaches. Corn and peaches. Veggies and fruit. Sounds healthy to me.

At least for tonight...

I could have had a V8 - and a nap

2008-03-10T22:55:00.003-07:00

I'm missing 3 things in my life: Fruit, Veggies and Sleep.

Breakfast is a bar on the way in to work about 6:15am. Lunch is something frozen from a box - if I'm lucky enough to get a lunch. Dinner is whatever I have the strength to throw together when I'm often not getting home until 7:30 at night. And I try to be in bed by 10, and sleeping by 10:30. It's 10:58 and I'm still fully dressed and on the computer. Then again, I didn't get home until 8:15, dinner wasn't until 9pm. Is it wrong that I didn't want to go right to bed? I don't think so. When my alarm goes off at 4:45am, I may change my mind.

I've tried a few times to bring fruit to work. Doesn't work really well. I'm thinking I need to change tactics. Maybe a bowl of grapes? One bite at a time vs. the commitment of a rapidly browning apple as I'm on the phone with an upset client. It's not a bad idea, but considering it took me almost 20 minutes to crack open a yogurt that had been sitting just inches from me at my desk doesn't make me to hopeful. But I've got to try something as I know it's my biggest fault. Fiber has started slacking too - but the Kashi TLC bar each morning helps. I'm not where I was, but I'm doing SO much better than I could be doing, and I have to appreciate that.

I'm back to 196 officially. Very happy about that. I keep thinking about what I'm not doing, not getting, not living up to - but I have to remember it's a long process, and this is a bumpy part of the road. I need to be excited that I'm still ON the road - not complain about how I'm getting there.

On a lighter note...

This little blog post will be dedicated to The Aunt. Yes, to The Aunt who can't say "healthy food" or "organic" without making a face like she sucked on a lemon. To The Aunt who thinks I'm kinda funny because I care what goes in the recycle container. The Aunt who has lived with us for over a year now. Officially as of today The Aunt found a place to live. She moves in the first weekend in April. We have loved her living with us, and truly have no major complaints. But it will be nice to have the house to ourselves again. And nice to have her stop buying ice cream and toppings - encouraging us to join her for "Sundae Sundays".

Here's to you.

"Working" on food issues

2008-03-05T21:29:00.004-07:00

My job is bad for me.

I don't just mean the back aches, the eye strain, the lack of sleep or the risks of angering one of the large men with power tools. I'm talking about something much more important.

Food.

I haven't taken a lunch in 2 days. Yesterday I brought a yogurt to my desk to eat. Today I was able to get in a yogurt AND a granola bar while I worked through my 12 hour day without a single break.

Some of this is going to be because I'm new. It takes so much more time to do what you need when every hour has 10-15 minutes of waiting to get an answer.

Today I walked to the kitchen, held my frozen meal in my hands, stared at it a moment and then put it back into the freezer. I grabbed my yogurt and even that sat on my desk at least 20 minutes before I could crack the thing open. How in the world did I begin to think I had time to wait 5 minutes for the microwave - followed by at least 10 minutes away from my desk?

When I came home I had a semi-healthy meal (pre-prepared healthy frozen dinner for 2) and a big glass of this super fruit juice with tons of good stuff in it. Still not really enough calories. And I've had 1/2 of a big glass of water all day. I know I should be drinking some right now, but I couldn't quite bring myself to walk across the house and stand up while the water pours out. It's pretty bad. I'm exhausted.

Then again, not eating enough, not drinking enough, and not getting enough sleep are all bad for my weight. Sigh... Time to walk to the kitchen (daily exercise), pour/drink a glass of water (hydration) and go to bed. No one ever said it would be easy...

Shifting gears

2008-03-02T20:55:00.004-07:00

Time flies without a computer.

In my new job I'm not allowed online. No IM. No email. Nothing personal. Certainly no tracking the food I eat. I'm allowed to google directions for customers - but that's about it. And of course, at home this computer is shared between 3 of us so access isn't unlimited. And let's be honest - those healthy meals aren't going to cook themselves, so pretty much I am lucky to get 30 min of internet time a day on average. I went from checking 3 email accounts several times a day, to being lucky if I checked 1-2 of them at least once a week. It's killing me slowly - but I know it's better than being bored out of my mind with nothing but time to kill at a job with an ax hanging over my head. Long term employment is always the better option.

Quick overview. Being sick sucked. I ate nothing. I tracked every day and there were many days that I barely at 600 calories. After about 2 weeks of that, I moved up to 1100 - 1300 a day and actually gained 2 lbs. Pissed me off. So I decided to do a "reset" weekend. Let myself eat some of the things I'd wanted. Go to the restaurants I've dreamed of going to, but of course wouldn't have nutritional info. Only did that for a weekend. By that Monday I was 202. Eeek! But then I went back to healthy all that week and by Friday I was 198 again. Until... I got a rare opportunity to go out w/ a friend to a funky restaurant for dinner, and then another spot for dessert, and then another spot for a cocktail. How could I say no? So I didn't. That was last Friday, and as of today I'm 200 again. Sigh....

As for the gym, I haven't gone since being laid off. I should have gone since I had all that time, but I had too much stress. I would have felt guilty for taking the time at the gym when I could have been hunting for jobs. Now with the new job I haven't fallen quite into the pattern of going. And it's now much more out of the way. Hoping we can get into a new pattern of going in the next week or two. Ok - hope sounds nice, but action gets you there. I'm going to say that within 2 weeks I will be going to the gym again at least 2 times a week. I think that's a good plan.

Now if I only had a plan for how to spend more time online...

No longer unemployed but...

2008-02-18T13:32:00.003-07:00

I have a job. I start in 2 days.

I have nothing to wear.

I know this sounds like the normal "girly" thing, but after losing (as of today) 37 pounds, most everything is loose AND since all 3 of the folks who interviewed me were wearing jeans I know that most of my office wear would be completely out of place. I have 1 pair of jeans that fit. Everything else I've bought at this size is office wear.

While this is a nicer problem to have than outgrowing all my clothes, those same first impression rules still apply. I'm sure I'll be able to throw together at least a week of outfits. Hopefully no one will care if I'm a smidge over dressed...

On a different note - I just noticed that it's 1:39pm and I still haven't eaten anything or had a glass of water. I've been kinda bad the last week or so. I try to be better, but with being sick (Soooo sick since Tuesday...) I don't want to eat anything. I'm not hungry and plain water kinda makes me sick. I'm going to go make myself eat something healthy, but I can't promise that I'll like it. I know I have to keep eating if I want to lose more. Bizarre as that would have sounded to me not so long ago, I understand why it's true.

PS. The Girlfriend said she's going to start tracking her food today on The Daily Plate. She decided to do it once I broke the 200 mark. But then gave herself a free week. A last hurrah. We'll see if it actually happens. I won't push as this has to be something she chooses to do for herself. Fingers crossed.

My personal Valentine

2008-02-14T13:31:00.003-07:00

I don't "completely" believe it because I've been sick and not eating as well because I'm sleeping half the day away. Then again I kinda do believe it because it's "that time of the month" and I normally gain a pound or two at the beginning. I have good arguments either way.

That said, my rule has always been that if it happens 2 days in a row, it's real. Today, Valentine's Day, is my day 2 under 200. I'm at day two of 196.

Happy Valentine's day Evil Scale! Happy Valentine's day Mr. Measuring Tape!

Happy Valentine's day to me!

Be my Healthy Valentine

2008-02-14T12:26:00.005-07:00

Happy Valentine's day to one and all (all 2 of you)!

Let's talk about making this traditionally pink and red holiday a GREEN one!

Why buy cards, nick nacks and stuffed animals that will soon only serve as space takers, dust collecters and landfill-fillers? Don't tell me you can't be more creative! We passed the same guy selling those on the corner that you did - so why would we be impressed that you stopped? As for those giant hearts filled with chocolate? Sure, we gals love them in theory, but if your special someone is watching their sugar, salt or pounds (even if you love them just the way they are) it can lead to a worse reaction than an honest answer to "Do I look fat in this?" Here's my top 5 list for green Valentines gifts that mean oh so much more than the latest magnetic or animated stuffed animal Hallmark is pushing this year.

1) Do something that they would normally have to do. This year, I'm broke as a joke as I don't have a job. (Yea, still - more on that later.) But the one thing I do have is time. So, after my interview today (woo hoo!) I'm cleaning the bathroom. She normally cleans it, though I know she has no special love for it. Is it romantic? Well, it can be if after cleaning it you light a few special candles around the tub and prepare some options for a lovely bath that night. What you do after that is ALLLL up to you.....

2) Cook something. Sure, a romantic dinner or something sweet is the standard here. Both are generally appreciated of course unless you screw up the recipe, so plan a back up just in case. There are so many other options though. What about this option - make up one of his/her favorite dishes in a huge portion, divide it up into individual serving plastic containers and freeze them. Instead of just one romantc dinner for 2 you're saving them from drive through or boring Lean Cuisine. Those re-usable containers have saved some waste and with your carefully watched home cooking it could also save his/her waist. And every day they take it to work - who will they be thinking of? You of course! Ka-ching!

3) Create something. Sure, if you're they poetry kinda person, you know that nothing drops pants (or panties) faster than a beautiful personally written love poem. A bad love poem will make them laugh, then drop them - so even that isn't usually a bad idea. But say you're more of a "work with your hands" kind of person? The sky is still the limit. Make a desk organizer so she doesn't keep forgetting where she puts her keys (cough, "The Girlfriend", cough, cough...). Make a special frame for a picture of the two of you. Or if you want to get really creative, draw or paint a picture - but special note here, unless your are a formally recognized artistic genius and he/she has loved everything you've ever created, keep it under 11x18, so if he/she loves the thought but the picture is as ugly as sin, it will hide nicely behind her bathroom door. And please - no nudes. Ick.

4) Fix something. Here's where you work with your hands types have a distinct advantage. We all have stuff. And stuff often breaks. If you can fix stuff, you are worth your weight in gold. Or cupcakes or truffles, or whatever else one values at this time of year. New brakes on the car to show how much you care about the saftey of the one you love. A new waist and hem on those pants because all this healthy living means the old clothes were just too darned baggy. Installing a new software program that he/she has always wanted, but could never understand without your big brainy self. You gots skills. We loves skills. But again, a warning, don't try to do something you shouldn't really be doing. 20 years later it might be a funny memory that you burnt down the kitchen on Valentines day when you were trying to re-wire the Mr. Coffee, but you would have to be a lucky, lucky person to make it to the next Valentimes day - much less 20 more...

5) Give something. Ah, giving of yourself is always what people want the most. It means you cared enough to take time to think about the other person's wants and needs when they weren't actively in the room. Everything listed above means you've given something - your time, your talents. This is all about giving that something special that only someone so intimate with their life would know that they really wanted - perhaps before they did themselves. And isn't that what it's really all about? That museum that you hate, but they adore? Take them, act interested (even if you are thinking about something else most of the time), and care about what they have to say. Give some time to a cause they love - give blankets to the homeless, play board games with teens at the after school program, sign up for a walk benefiting their charity, bring flowers to church that week in his/her name. Investing time and interest in something that they love is a gift that will go on far longer than those $9.99 corner roses. Healthier relationship - healthier planet.

Here's wishing you a happy and all-around-healthy Valentine's day!

When one door closes...

2008-02-08T00:23:00.000-07:00

One week minus 14 hours ago, I was let go. Laid off. No longer need my services. Basically fired as gently as possible. The prior carrot holder had a good enough reason - the group that paid 50% of his income stopped paying. Hard to pay for me when his income drops in half. I get that.

For the last week I've been attempting to balance a healthy attitude in looking for a new job, a healthy food intake (though I'm wanting bad food like no body's business), and making my smallest (earth healthy) dent in extra electricity usage during the day. I stare at the computer. My cat stares at me. I don't put the heat on when I'm cold, I grab a sweater. If the cat is cold she lays in the window to soak up some rays.

So far I'm balancing everything pretty well. Not that I don't fantasize about red velvet cake, Chimichangas, baked macaroni and cheese, fried pork chops, meat loaf, chocolate fountains and other assorted comfort food delights on a regular basis. I just choose to eat an apple instead.

Fingers crossed that I meet my career's Mr. Right.

Soon.

Scraping the work out barrel

2008-01-25T14:42:00.000-07:00

I was excited to go home yesterday and do a Pilates DVD I'd gotten myself last Christmas and still never used. So I go home, take it out of the plastic (so sad) and pop it in the DVD player.

It errored out.

The Girlfriend pulls it out and come to find out there is a 1 inch by 2 inch chunk of silver backing completely missing on the back of the DVD. Crap! I didn't go to the gym because I was planning to do that DVD. I've already eaten, it's late, it's cold outside....then it hits me.

I go over to a cabinet I never even open. Pull out a VHS Tape that hasn't seen the light of day in several years. And pop it in the machine.

Yes, I did (almost) the full 45 minute work out with Susan Powter from her Stop the Insanity days.

Oh yea, I read the whole book. I really liked it too. Not like I did anything with it. And that tape kicked my butt every time I did it - when I weighed quite a bit less.

And you know what? I think I'll do it again. I was feeling it. I was working it. And was focused on my form, my breathing and my modification. (Only if you remember the tape would that mean anything to ya...)

I looked up Susan Powter today. She took some time off to raise the kids but she's back now doing new video blogs and focusing on Yoga. She's turning 50 this year and looks awesome.

Speaking of working out, we're going for our Fit start assessment at the Y tonight. I'm hoping to learn some of the machines so I can diversify a bit more. Should be a good time.

Ah well... Gotta go fill up my water glass and get back to work...

The sweet song of food

2008-01-24T15:15:00.000-07:00

For breakfast this morning I really wanted a Mexican omelet with home fries (the fresh kind with onions and green peppers and herbs) and bacon and sausage and a few English muffins. And orange juice.

I ate a small serving of oatmeal.

Between breakfast and lunch time I experienced an endless loop of porn-like orgies of food in my head. Cornish Pasty sounded amazing and there are so many flavor options! Or, a big plate of enchiladas sounded great - sooo cheesy and filling! Maybe my favorite Grilled cheese with Mozzarella, Basil and Tomato from Essence? Or perhaps it's polar opposite - a Big Mac with large hot fries and a *gasp* Coke! Then I remember the cheap Mexican food place and my eyes start slowly rolling back in my head as I picture biting into their gigantic burritos and insanely good and greasy tacos.

For lunch I had a Health Choice frozen meal - Five-Grain Chicken with Plum Sauce for just 310 calories.

I'm not strong. This is not willpower. Willpower would mean that I didn't want those things. Willpower would mean that I didn't stare at the drawer where my purse, and the accompanying car keys were just waiting for me to whisk them to calorie laden food heaven. If it was drive I would have listened to that little voice in my head that said "Eat your lunch and then go walk around the block to get in some extra exercise!"

Screw that little voice.

This is anger. Today it's not drive and determination that kept me on track. It's not willpower that helped me make the right decisions. I'm just pissed.

Three days ago I was 204 and for the last 2 days I have been 206. I partially blame my crap Evil Scale. But in the end, the only person I can be pissed with is me.

Why haven't I been drinking more water? Even though the water filter at work stopped working (The water now tastes like charcoal. Nasty.) I should have either remembered that gallon jug each day or I should have bought a new one at the store. I should have had more at night.

Why aren't I eating more fresh fruit and veggies? 1 meal a day is about all they get. I should be eating them several times a day.

Why have I let myself eat so much sodium? I was shocked when tracking my food on several days to realize how high my sodium had gotten. Why should I be shocked when it was almost all pre-processed food that day? Why didn't I plan better and balance the pre-processed with fresh foods? Heck, why aren't I planning out my meals at all???

Why did I stop tracking my fiber intake? I know that when I stop thinking about it I'm going to slip back to eating less, and yet hear I am averaging about 12-18g a day when I know I should be eating at least 24g.

I wanted that bad food. Wanted it bad. But this wouldn't have been a joyous afternoon delight food fantasy. It would have been a pity fuck.

And that, my little foodie friend, is not going to happen.

The other white drink

2008-01-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

When I was about 6 years old, I had a book called "All about me". It's a 1/2 written book with blanks and open spaces for you to tell all about who you are at the time. You trace your hand. You draw an imaginary city. You say things you've learned about the world. And of course the basics - favorite color, favorite food, favorite songs. My favorite food? Cheese.

That's never really changed. As a snack? Sure - string or slice? As an appetizer? Bring it on - fancy in wedges or fried up in a basket while watching the game. Breakfast? Cottage cheese with fruit. Lunch - the reason for eating most sandwiches, or in the simple purity of an insanely grilled cheese sandwich. Dinner? Roll cheese in corn tortillas, add cheese to the top and I'm good to go. Dessert? How about paired with pears and wine? [And yes, these were all just off the top of my head in less than 30 seconds. Imagine what I could do if given time...]

I've always felt that way about the whole darn dairy section. But as the healthier-me cut back on fat and calories, I saw less and less of my friend cheese. I miss it, but I appreciate those few moments when a bit of feta takes a salad to a new level. Or that one slice of real Swiss helps me forget that I'm eating diet bread and counting the calories of every piece of shredded carrot on the sandwich. I don't think I'll ever completely let it go.

But, healthier-world me has been getting a bit concerned. How many of our natural resources go into creating a gallon of milk? And while I may be keeping mine organic and non-fat, is there something else I could do to make an even better choice? To put less pressure on our farmers to make cow food and encourage them to make more people food?

It was a hard decision, but I decided to buy Soy Milk. I'm not saying it's the beginning of a long and beautiful relationship or anything. I will be trying a few brands to decide which one is the right one for me. I may slide back a bit but I really think I might make this one stick. Some reasons why?

- A cow needs to drink 2 gallons of water for every gallon of milk she'll make that day. Add to that the water used to raise the crops just so she could eat them and you have a TON of water going into dairy production. Sure, soy has to be grown, just like the cow's food, but that still means I can save 2 gallons of water for every gallon of soy milk produced.
- A dairy cow creates 120 pounds of "waste" each day. Ick. Now sure, some of this will get turned around into good things. I watch dirty jobs. I know. BUT - according to a Senate report on animal waste, a small farm of just 200 cows will create as much nitrogen in the sewage as a community of 5,000 to 10,000 people.
- Finally, let's look at the numbers:
- Organic Skim Milk, 1 Cup - 90 Calories, 0 Fat, 130g Sodium, 13g Carbs (0 Fiber, 12g Sugar), 9g Protien, 10% Vit A, 2% Vit C, 30% Calcium. (From my common brand)
- 8th Continent Light Soy Milk, 1 Cup - 50 Calories, 2g Fat, 115g Sodium, 2g Carbs (0 Fiber, 2g Sugar), 6g Protein, 10% Vit A, 30% Calcium, 6% Iron, 25% Vit D, 25% B2, 15% B12
- So, less calories, less sodium and less sugar in Soy milk. Skim milk has less fat and more protein.

Is there a trade off? Sure. But for now, I'm going to give it a shot. I'm hoping that both healthier-me and healthier-earth are better for it.

A dose of reality

2008-01-14T15:40:00.000-07:00

This is why I hate skinny people.

Ok, not skinny people [I have many skinny friends that I love and adore], but the never-been-anything-but-skinny people who write weight loss articles.

I decided to join this other website for a bit. Kick the tires. I have found some interesting tools, but I'm certainly not in love. Absolutely will never replace TDP. Starting to dislike it more and more. But as part of checking them out I said "Sure! Send me your daily healthy recipe email! I could take that and find some fun inspiration!"

Wait till you see what crap they sent me!!! Dreamy Chocolate Fudge!!! WTF?

Dreamy Chocolate Fudge

Serves: 50

Indulge with this creamy delight.

INGREDIENTS

1-1/2 cups sugar substitute

2/3 cup evaporated

2% milk

2 tablespoons stick butter

1/4 teaspoon salt

2 cups miniature marshmallows

1-1/2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips1 teaspoon vanilla

DIRECTIONS1. Combine sugar substitute, evaporated milk, butter and salt in a medium size heavy saucepan. Bring to a full rolling boil over medium heat, stirring frequently. Boil and stir 5 minutes. Remove from heat. 2. Stir in marshmallows, chocolate chips and vanilla until completely melted and smooth. Pour mixture into foil-lined 8-inch square pan. Refrigerate at least 2 hours or until firm to the touch. Remove foil from pan and fudge. Cut into squares. Refrigerate any remaining fudge

NUTRITION INFO

Calories: 38

Fat: 2.2 g

Carbohydrates: 5.8 g

Protein: 0.4 g

Worst of all - check out the servings. This recipe is supposed to make enough for serve 50! 50 servings of fudge? That's a lot of fudge. But wait - they make it in an 8x8 pan. Fckrs! That means each piece is 1.6 inches by .8 inches (approx 1 1/3 inch by 3/4 inch). Seriously. Yea, that's all the freaking fudge one person is going to f-ing want. Serves 50 my ass. Better yet - serves 50 my skinny friend's ass!

And if this fudge was cut into normal sized pieces? Say 2 inches by 2 inches? That's 16 servings. Which means the calorie count just went up to (Drum roll please....)

118.75 Calories

6.875 g Fat

18.125 g Carbs

1.25 g Protien

Listen. Folks want to lose weight. They really do. But what kind of f'd up advice is it to tell folks who obviously have issues eating well to MAKE FUDGE!!!

Want to lose weight? Eat fruit. Drink water. Exercise. Craving chocolate? Fat Free/Sugar free chocolate pudding is always good. Try one of the millions of 100 calorie pack options. Or ya know what? If you really want real chocolate - eat a small freaking piece of real chocolate. One square of Ghirardelli's Dark Chocolate is just 55 calories. Real chocolate.

It's all about moderation people. You don't make a whole pan of fudge when you're trying to be healthy. Because far too many of the folks that email was sent to would be far too likely to eat the whole pan of fudge. I got this email from them less than a week after joining their site, with no activity after the first day of joining. If Suzie is just 2 days into her weight loss, feeling weak and wanting support - what responsible group is going to send her a fudge recipe?

Let's get real.

Good-bye Holidays!

2008-01-07T11:26:00.000-07:00

The holidays are finally done over and gone. Officially.

I'm not talking about the calendar - I'm talking about the evil pounds those few "cheat" days brought me. Was that gingerbread Christmas tree really worth it? Well, maybe not, but having that awesome black pepper bacon with gingerbread pancakes and mimosas on Christmas morning was pretty awesome. Awesome. But I'm really wishing I'd held back a bit more because I gained several pounds. And I'd just gotten to a new low - 208. Well, I bounced back to 212 one day. EEK! Now I know it was almost all sodium and not drinking enough water to flush it all out - but MAN it sucked to see it all pop right back. As of January 1st, I was back at 208 though. Whew!

Yesterday though is when the real magic happened. The Girlfriend decided she was completely committing herself to being healthier. She'd talked about it before, but yesterday she made the firm decision. I'm a bit concerned because she's not going at it with any kind of plan. But - she committed to joining the Biggest Loser Million Pound Challenge as a team. And through doing that, she's promised to blog about what she's doing and how she's feeling every other day (I started writing on the required site yesterday - we're going to trade days). This could be really great for her.

Most important - we're going to the gym today. I've been paying more than $50 a month for the two of us and I don't think we've gone since September. I was about to cancel the membership. Of course, now we're going to be going with all the other "New Years Resolution" folks so the place will be packed. But at least we're going. I have my bag packed and in the car. I'm already getting excited to go. (I think there might be something wrong with me)

One last note. Though it's in no way official as it's only been one day - I hit 206 today. If that turns out to be "real" in a second showing tomorrow, that will make a total of 26 pounds.

Pretty freaking impressive.

Sick, but posting (don't expect much)

2007-11-27T16:48:00.000-07:00

First it's just life getting busy. Then it's the holidays. Now I'm sick.

I was not destined to be a daily blogger apparently. Ah well. Isn't it the thought that counts?

This is a quick touch base because I really want to go back to bed and drink more hot tea - not necessarily in that order.

Well, after the last post it went back and stayed at 218 for a bit but I kept at it of course. I took a day off on Thanksgiving. Figured how could I possibly track all that home cooked food? I even ate a Happy Meal for lunch that day. What a rebel.

Today is my second day in a row at 214 which is wonderful - but part of me says it isn't real as I've been sick and just not as hungry as I might have been. The old rule was, 2 days in a row = the weight is real, so I'm going with it.

Haven't exercised in heavens knows how long. Sure, I've walked around the malls and been more active in some daily ways - but nothing as solid as going to the gym. The Girlfriend and I were talking just the other day and I said that at this rate we might as well just buy a treadmill because at $55 a month we could have bought one by now and hopefully we would have used it more if it was in the house. But I really did love that Pilates class. And I really do like going to the gym. Oh well. For today I'm not going because I'm sick. If excuses keep outnumbering my gym days, I may have to re-think that membership.

My biggest news? I'm eating carrots. Not right now, but I'm eating them on a regular basis. Cold with dinner. Chopped in salads. Shredded in sandwiches. I'm shocked. I never thought I'd do that. And I have a feeling that's just an "entry" veggie. Today I chopped up some celery, onion and apple into my chicken salad. Yesterday I bought jicama to put into my salad some time this week. It may be a slow process to bring veggies back into regular circulation - but as with everything else here I know baby steps will get me a lot farther than doing nothing had ever done for me!

One calorie. One work out. One veggie. One post. One step at a time.

Another baby step forward

2007-11-15T22:31:00.000-07:00

217!!!!!!

Never before has such a big number looked so small! After 2 weeks of hanging out with 220, this was a wonderful surprise this morning. Even if I move around a bit, I'm ok with that from day to day. But to finally see a new low number is just amazing!

When walking by a mirror this afternoon something in my head said - I have more neck. And sure enough - I seem to have just the tiniest bit more neck and less chin today. Funny how that stuff works... But there is was. Or should I say wasn't...

So, I miss fast food (Oh Taco Bell, you sweet mistress...), I miss our traditional home cooked meals (Fried chicken, Fried pork chops, Fried catfish... you get the idea), and I SOOOO miss going out to eat all the time - but I don't miss the extra pounds at ALL. :)

Goals: Through the eyes of others

2007-11-14T23:12:00.000-07:00

Today I put out a request to one of the groups I'm in on TDP (That's The Daily Plate for those of you that haven't been paying attention) to get their advice. I've been no lower than 220 since Oct 27th, with 7 days between now and then being a bit higher. So, I asked them to look at what I was eating, and the exercise I was tracking and tell me what I'm doing wrong.

I think they did a great job - though all saw something different. Here are the basics. Eat more fresh fruit and veggies. Eat more fiber. Eat more in general - my calories are again slipping too low. Watch out for sodium. Get a regular work out routine that includes both cardio and weight training.

Simple enough right? Except I knew all these things needed to happen before. I've become MUCH more aware of sodium. I know I'm not eating enough fruits and veggies and I'm trying to make it more of a conscious thing. Haven't found that magical formula yet. And yes - I know I need to work out more regularly. I think The Girlfriend and I go back and forth blaming who's at fault for us not going. Right now I'm not going because I've been working long hours, then coming home to make dinner (freaking cooking taking all that time...) and then working on my big event this weekend. So yea - no gym time. I'd like that to change next week, but seriously - during Thanksgiving? I don't think so...

Here's what I saw when I read it all. I need to have a plan. I need to know what I'm going to eat for dinner when I leave for work so I know if it's a big snack day or a light one. I need to plan when I'm getting in those fruits and veggies. I need to know that it's going to be a heavy sodium dinner to I need to take a light sodium lunch. And I need to plan for the gym.

I have a sick fantasy about getting up early and going to the gym before work. But I'm a night person - NOT a morning person. Not sure I could really pull that one off. If I haven't come up with a better plan by January though - I think I might have to give it a shot. Maybe.

Crap. We'll see.

Let's get through Thanksgiving first.

Salad vs. Burger: And the loser is...

2007-11-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

Why does a salad cost twice as much as a burger?

Seriously.

Why?

I'm asking.

I'm not just talking about some foo foo salad at a fancy restaurant either. I'm talking iceberg lettuce, dry carrot strips and a squishy cherry tomato. If I made that at home - 25 cents? Heck, even with retail costs I'm guessing it could be done for no more then 12 cents. But at some fast food place they think they're being nice by putting it on the 99 cent menu. Showing that they have gone healthy. (See folks, fast food isn't bad for you - we have salads!) Ya know what else is on that 99 cent menu? A bacon double cheese burger. A quarter pound double stack. A southwest barbecue burger. The list gets bigger every day.

I can't make a quarter pound double cheese burger for 12 cents. Beef is expensive. Farmers have to buy the seed to grow barley and hay and grass and whatever else cows eat. They have to pay for someone to harvest it. Farmers have to pay to grow the cows. Manufacturing plants have to pay their workers to... um... make the animal a food product that no longer vividly resembles an animal. Truckers have to load and deliver - paying more and more for the gas. Then there are most likely half a dozen middle men before it actually gets to market somewhere in between all that. Then what? After all those folks have been paid and have had to pay, Fast Food Buyer A gets their product. Then they have to pay for it to go through some processing plant to put it into perfectly sized patties. Saves time, costs money. Then those perfectly shaped patties are boxed and sent via all sorts of shipping methods (which do not run cheap for heavy frozen items) to get them to Fast Food Store A. Now what all that is happening, someone is doing the same thing with the wheat that makes the bun, and even the companies cranking out that special sauce. None of it's natural - and it takes a lot of work.

So how is that hamburger equal in cost on the Dollar Menu to rapidly browning iceberg lettuce?

The lust for beef money ruins rain forests. In High School I remember learning how many acres of the rain forest had been destroyed by McDonald's alone as some of those farmers were expanding their farms as beef sold at such a high price - but those dang trees were getting in the way of their fields.

The drive for heartier beef leads good hearted farmers to make decisions they would rather not do including smaller areas, hormones and anything else that he hears might help him to get an extra $1 per head for his heard.

The craving for beef is enough that even when folks know they shouldn't eat it, they order it in massive quantities. McDonald's Triple Cheeseburger. Burger King's Quad Stacker. Ordering 10-20 White Castles. We do it because we can. Because it tastes good. We know it's not good for us, we know we're hurting ourselves. But....

A burger costs as much as an iceberg lettuce salad. Costs just as much, but won't leave you hungry when you're done. When you're hungry, which one feels like the better value? It's just not a fair game they're playing.

And before you walk away - want fries with that?

Why is liquid so heavy?

2007-11-12T20:24:00.000-07:00

So. Tired.

Must. Write. Blog.

Well, it's not quite that bad YET but the night is still young. On the way home from work, rather than stop at the gym, I stopped at church for my work out. Oh yes. My work out. And on a cool night I broke a sweat.

We're doing a open mic/coffee shop kind of a thing this week. We're hoping to make this a monthly thing. It's kinda my baby. I've been looking forward to doing this for awhile now. It's very exciting.

What's not so exciting is carrying up cases of soda, Iced Tea, Apple juice, Soy Milk, and the other various liquid and solid substances that will be going in our little cafe - UP a flight of stairs at night with no outdoor light in shoes that slip off even more easily than they slip on. I'll say there was definitely prayer involved. Good spot for it I figure...

So I haven't been to the gym in FAR too long again, but I figure today counts as a work out. I went up and down the stairs about 4-5 times each way, plus my trips into the kitchen and then there's all the lifting and carrying. I'm going to guess it's about equal to 20 min on the treadmill. Fingers crossed.

Maybe Mr. Scale will chose to honor me with a dip down tomorrow morning? Or maybe not. But one can always hope.

To shred or not to shred...

2007-11-11T21:51:00.000-07:00

I have a great paper shredder. It rocks. It can shred paper or even credit cards. In a world of identity theft and constant pre-approved credit card offers, I considered it a mandatory thing.

But all that changed not long ago.

My recycling center no longer accepts shredded paper. Apparently shredded paper clogs the sorting machine. My first thought was - if ever individual who has a recycling can paid $1-3 more per month I'm sure we could afford a few workers to do a pre-sort of the recycle stuff to ensure that it wasn't an issue. But then I realized - it gets everywhere. I've gone to pull something that was accidentally tossed from the recycling can and it was a disaster. I can only imagine how awful it would be once everything was dumped in the truck. [Note, we have on trash can and one recycle can. All stuff goes in the same can and then is dumped into a "recycle truck" once a week] This isn't even the worst issue for our local recycling center. Can't tell you how many folks I've seen with bagged things (No bags allowed), tree trimmings (no nature!), soda boxes (can't be recycled due to plastic film), and more stuffed into the recycle container. I recently found out that my city pays over $250K a year to truck the "trash" from the recycle center over to the dump each year. Are you kidding me? That is insane! And with the price of gas going up - that number is only going to get higher.

Back to my original thought here. So, I called the credit associations to put myself on the list to not get pre-approved offers anymore. Some still trickle in, but I'm hoping that will end soon. But what do I do with it all?

Currently my plan is to go through each piece slowly looking for any identifiable piece of info or a special code reserved just for me - and I rip that off and shred just that chunk. If it's several times on the same piece of paper, the whole thing gets shredded. But MAN that takes SO much more time!

So here I am, spending 30-45 extra minutes of earth loving, identity protecting time reading, reviewing checking, making piles and shredding. Thinking to myself over and over - to shred or not to shred? Protect my identity, or protect the earth? But when I see the pile of shredded paper going into the trash, I can't help but think that there should be away for me to do both at the same time.

Let them eat cake!

2007-11-10T22:45:00.000-07:00

I've been taking cake decorating classes. Yes, not the healthiest hobby to pursue, but I grew up with a love for it. My Aunt used to decorate cakes. I spent hours and hours of my childhood flipping through Wilton cake decorating books. Always on the look out for a) What I thought was cool b)What I wanted for my next birthday and c) How I wanted my wedding cake to look.

I still have clear pictures of cakes I STILL want for my next birthday (There's one I desperately wanted for my 30th that never quite happened. 3 dimensional teddy bear sitting in a wagon. Bout a foot wide, foot and a half long and bit over a foot tall. If I don't get it before then I'll make it for myself by my 40th!) and I remember all the funky 70's - 80's things that I thought would be SO cool - stairs and water fountains. Now, these are cheesy. Then, they were an architectural and technological marvel. Well - to an 8 year old.)

So anyhow, I'm now taking classes in the same place where my aunt used to buy her cake based goods. I remember coming here as a kid too. Still owned by the same family. Still looks the same. She might have even taken classes here - I was too young to remember those details.

But I remember the cakes. Smelling them bake. Watching her prepare. Watching her create something of beauty out of nothing in particular except flour and sugar.

Being healthy is important. Of the 2 cakes made this weekend, I will have one small slice of each - enough to be social as 1 is going to a party for a friend and the other is going to church. This isn't the most "healthy choice" in terms of calories. But when I see other folks oooh and aah over a cake I've made, the same way they used to do for my aunt, it feels oh so healthy on a much higher level.

Healthy isn't just about calories and sodium and sugar intake. It's about being a better person. Feeling better about who you are, what you bring and what you leave behind.

Today I made cakes, took a class, and then hung out with friends all day. I should have eaten better and had more water to drink. But that doesn't matter today. Today I fed my spirit. And it's definitely not on a diet.

To my regular reader - Part 2

2007-11-09T15:41:00.000-07:00

220?

Why Mr. Scale, you shouldn't have?

Actually you should. And you know it. But we already had that conversation yesterday didn't we?

You've earned another day, safe, on the floor.

Keep it up.

To my regular reader:

2007-11-09T00:34:00.001-07:00

Apparently I have one regular reader.

MY SCALE!

I guess it didn't like me talking about it last night. I guess it thought it was funny. I guess it thought it would show me who's who.

Today - 225.

I haven't been that high since October 18th - almost a month ago. But today - it taunts me.

Well I have news for you Mr. Scale. You may have the power of the numbers, but I have the power of the garbage truck. Want to see how those digits love the compressor at the dump? Just keep it up. The real estate you have on my bathroom floor is on a day-to-day lease that can be revoked at any time. You don't even give me decimals. You can easily be replaced by a newer, prettier and more agreeable machine. Mess with me - I mess with you. Keep mama happy and your spot is secured.

You've been warned.

My tug of war

2007-11-07T22:09:00.000-07:00

It's been a week now. Even a few days more than that. And nothing. Nothing. It shouldn't bother me but... it does. And I don't know how much longer I can take it.

I haven't lost a pound.

Well, that may not be true based on the day of the week. Let's just say my body is apparently losing in it's tug of war over 2 pounds. Lose 2. Gain one. Lose one. Gain two. Lose two. Gain One. Lose one. Gain two.

I'm going a bit batty. So, I looked at what I've been eating. I knew my sodium was too high. Every day I made at least one sodium error but I tried to balance it out with lots and lots of water. Apparently that wasn't quite enough.

So, today I bought fruit before work (though I was so busy at work I didn't eat any - but I've sworn I will tomorrow) and I got fresh veggies and more fruit on the way home. We made a stir fry tonight with left over chicken and fresh veggies and brown rice and doesn't that sound good? When I ate it, all I could taste was the sodium. The left over marinade from the chicken apparently cooked down enough that it just tasted really salty. Sigh...

I'm not going to stop eating "healthy" just because I'm not seeing results. I'm just going to try to eat better and better and bring in more activity. I can't be at a plateau on week 3. It just doesn't work like that. Or does it?

I might just have to cave in and buy a new scale. The Evil Scale is looking more and more menacing each day. And yet I get on. Not quite believing - but hoping.

Just another day - in a good way

2007-11-06T17:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I missed a day. I tried. I did. But it was not meant to be.

But, in the spirit of my new lifestyle/diet, I will continue on as one day's error does not a ruined diet/lifestyle make. Or something like that.

I worked at home today (WOO HOO!) which was lovely. No wasted gas. No AC even on most of the day. Used only sunlight to light my way. Just my two computers chugging along. Yea, 2 computers. Not the best ecological decision, but unfortunately a requirement for now. I'd like to think that in the end I came out ahead on the ecological points game.

Staying home is also great for food choices. I was hesitant that I'd give in the the bags of Doritos or the Nutter Butters in the pantry. But no. Didn't grab a snack all day. At work when I'm looking for an escape or have free time, I end up thinking about food. At home I pet the cat, go put away some dishes or get something ready for dinner. There are SO many other options available that food is automatically demoted in the "think about it" list.

Thinking smart and making good choices. That's what it's all about.

Under the wire, over the limit

2007-11-04T23:58:00.000-07:00

Why is healthy so hard? Restaurant I went to today had no real healthy options. Sure, side salad w/ no dressing and you'll be ok. Beyond that? Nada. Major city, and located downtown. And this isn't some burger joint. We're talking lobster bisque, custom pizzas and steaks. But not one blessed simple non-high-calorie meal. They had a whole low carb section - but for a low calorie gal the bacon and cheese etc in each of those sort of took off the shine there.

One blessed chicken breast/broccoli and rice kind of dish. That's all I want. Maybe a salad with low fat dressing and grilled instead of fried chicken to top it? Something? So, I had to eat something bad for me. I picked one of the better of the options - but I won't let that happen again. I could feel the extra calories meeting their friends and holding on tight.

Sigh...how's a girl supposed to eat independently, locally and healthy while maintaining a busy life?

Death by embarrasment

2007-11-03T23:08:00.000-07:00

I think I may have mortally embarrassed The Girlfriend today.

We went to dinner, and while I chose one of the best places in the area - I knew that evil calories and sodium lurked behind every innocent chicken breast and lettuce leaf. So I did what any responsible dieter would do. I asked to see the restaurant's nutritional information guide.

It was almost a fatal blow. She tried to convince me it wasn't necessary. She did the hand over the eyes "you can't see me" move to the waiter. It wasn't pretty.

A few moments later when our server returned with a 3 inch binder filled with nutritional information he cautioned, "It's not good. You won't like anything you see here. You might not even want to look before you order." Kinda ruins the whole thing then, doesn't it?

So, turns out I'd picked the best item on the menu before I even got the nutritional info. After the pat on my back - I was overwhelmed by the sodium content. Over 2K mg's for chicken tacos?? Are these things brined before they're cooked? I don't get it. It's insane. 5 gigantic glasses of water later (ok, 3) I was hoping I'd helped to even the score, yet privately knew it wasn't true. I still needed to make up for the half of a smoked turkey leg from the State Fair last night. Not pretty. But darn tasty - and better than the Fry Bread taco I really really wanted. Much better.

3 days in a row huh? I think I'm impressed with myself. And not just for the blogging.

Nice...

Dia de los Challenge!

2007-11-02T10:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I accepted a challenge to write an entry every day. It wasn't even my challenge, and I took it anyway.

Yesterday there was also a posting in a group I'm a part of on TDP that issued a challenge. A much more important challenge. I thought about it ALL day. As of today, I've officially accepted. The goal is to be UNDER 200 lbs by the end of the year.

This is going to be freakishly hard. 20 lbs in 2 months may not seem like an outrageous amount to some folks but I honestly can not remember the last time I was under 200. I am pretty sure it happened when I lived in my apartment - but as that was 7 years of time, it doesn't exactly narrow things down TOO much. Some time between 23 and 30 - but I know it wasn't near the latter end. I'd guess 25ish. But I'm just not sure at all.

No matter how hard it seems though - I am amazed at the idea that I could be celebrating the new year at under 200! I tried to get The Girlfriend to get pumped about it. But Law and Order was on so I was just some pest interrupting her TV QT. She eventually said something like "I'm already trying to do that. So, sure, whatever you have to do." So...yea... she's pumped.

As a side note - what's up w/ me accepting challenges? That is SO not who I used to be!

Oh - and for those of you playing along at home - yes, I've lost some more weight. I'm at 220. The heavens didn't open or anything, in fact I've been popping back and forth a bit around there the last week. But I think it's here to stay now.

Now I just need for it to go - with 20 more of it's friends. :)

Accepting the challenge I didn't get

2007-11-01T22:20:00.000-07:00

As I was saying to myself, Self, you haven't posted lately. Have you been so driven by the counting of calories that you've forgotten your old friend the blog? And I answered back, No Self, not really. I just haven't been particularly inspired. And is it better to blog about nothing, or to wait until you have something of value to say?

Well, later that day I saw that my friend (who blogs quite a bit) had just accepted a challenge to blog every day this month. He felt he was setting himself up for failure. Somehow, the idea of it inspired me. Hey - maybe I have something to talk about after all?

So - I'm going to try it. Can I make it every day for 30 days? Should be fun to find out.

10 down, so so many to go...

2007-10-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

As of today I am 10 pounds less than my last "normal" weight. I am outrageously excited. I feel like I've lost 30 in terms of my motivation.

I decided to take this moment of double digit-ness to look back at some of my posts since summer. Boy I really fell off the boat. But I knew it at the time, which helps a bit. But I'm so not there anymore. Here's my current State of Me.

- Down 10 lbs. Did I already mention that? Of course I did. But it's worth mentioning again. All through eating healthy foods and upping my activity level. Who would have thought it?

- I admited to failure in keeping up the yard. I got quotes from about 5 different companies and picked a guy. It looks so much better now. I need to replace the 4 dead trees in the back, and I think I have The Girlfriend convinced to make at least 2 of them fruit producing trees. I'm quite excited about that! Think I'll wait until after the winter to get them as it was winter that killed the last ones. Maybe use a little tax rebate $ for it.

- While I still feel like I've lost control of a part of the house, The Girlfriend and I have talked and I found out she agrees with me and was similarly frustrated. WOW does that help! As we're pretty much cooking for ourselves these days, one of those issues has been resolved. As for the others, I'm going to have to take baby steps. I organized the spice cabinet a bit this weekend, which helped. I'm thinking I'll attack the pantry shortly which always makes me feel a bit more kitchen controled. Yes, I have some itty bitty baby control issues. But really - who doesn't need to feel in control of their own house? Some scream, some clean - I organize.

- I took my first Pilates class last week. Oh my. I was in SO much pain for days after. This week I'll miss it because of a church meeting, but I'm planning to do it on a regular basis.

- I went to the Farmers Market last weekend and bought 3 veggies I've never bought before (though I've eaten them) Italian zucchini, Eggplant, and Spagetti Squash. I'm looking forward to finding good recipes, making them, and to slowly opening The Girlfriend's palatte toward vegetables!

I have a new attitude on healthy. And I know that to reach my all-inclusive goals, there are certain times were I have to focus on just one to really be effective. Not that I'll ever lose sight of my more global goals, but right now I can't effectively improve in 100 different ways all at once. Picking your battles, you know? And for now, I've selected the Battle of the Bulge.

Current weight (Based on evil home scale): 222

First goal: 198 - I'll be SO dang excited to be clearly under 200!

Second goal: 180 - This will be such a major improvment. At this point I really want to celebrate where I've been and how much I will have accomplished. Losing 50 pounds is HUGE and something that before didn't even seem real. Now, I can almost taste it.

Third goal: 160 - This is my major goal. At this point I should be about a size 16-18 I think and I'll be able to celebrate a whole new set of stores to buy clothing! I was still getting quite a bit of attention at this weight level (when the weight was going up) if my memory serves correctly, so I know I'll be able to really feel confident here.

Super ultimate, not sure if I can actually do it but if I could wave a magic wand and get it my goal would be: 135 - I thought I was so fat at this weight. Now, it's my pipe dream.

One step at a time, 1 meal at a time, I'll make my goals.

My "Daily Plate" of online addiction

2007-10-09T23:30:00.000-07:00

I've found a new website obsession. It's been 2 days of web-bliss.

So - as you know I've been all about being healthy with a renewed passion recently. (Yea, I know, I know, it was about dang time) I didn't want to go on a diet though. I kept thinking about it. Was tempted by Weight Watcher's Point system online - but I held back. First of all - why should I have to pay them each month for a concept they are really only giving me once. Next, why should I pay that much for the idea of "eat healthy, watch portion control" which is really what it is. I decided I was going to do it alone. I cut back. I ate better. I saw some results.

Then - the headaches started. Bad, bad headaches. For no good reason. The Girlfriend suggests it could be because of my eating. Turns out one of the symptoms of a too-low calorie diet is headaches. Hmph. So I'm starting to think that maybe there is some trick for this thing. Maybe I do need to pay for professional help.

And then, like a heavenly bolt of lightening, I find The Daily Plate while looking for the calorie content of a grilled chicken breast. I forget all about the chicken breast and I'm taken over by The Daily Plate.

This amazing site has a free service where you can create a profile based on age, height, weight, natural activity level - and then it will tell you how many calories you should be eating. As if that wasn't enough - look up the foods on their site and just click "I ate this" for it to be added to your daily total. It tells you through the day how many calories you "have left" before you've reached your goal.

All that sounds good - but wait - there's more! There is a daily diary to talk about how you felt each day so you can remember what was working - and what wasn't. It also tracks your activity to show how many calories were burned through your day. And why? Because if you are using more fuel, you'll need to re-fuel faster. It also tracks your weight, your measurements and a bunch of other things for your easy access from any computer!

Sound intriguing? Don't get out that check book just yet! They also have a forum section where folks can talk about what they are doing, what has or hasn't worked, interact with other users, and just generally find common ground. There are also groups set up around the site so you can quickly join a group with similar backgrounds or issues. Prior eating disorder? A group to feel your pain. Over 100 lbs to lose? Meet folks who are on the same path - and others who've done it. Doing Atkins? They've got your bread alternative!

How much would you pay for that? Let me tell you. NOTHING! Yes, that's right - Nothing! This is a completely free web site! Sure, sure - they have another option to pay just $45/year to unlock yet additional features. So far, I'm thinking the freebie is all I need. Maybe in a few months I'll need to up my motivation. But when I do - it will cost less for a whole year of this than for 4 months of online Weight Watchers!

Ok, that's all for now. I have to go reply to a forum that's calling my name. Homemade Pumpkin Lattes at just 65 calories? Yum!

Battle won, then lost, then won, then...?

2007-10-08T08:02:00.000-07:00

The Lying Scale has woven a new web of pretty lies. So pretty, I almost fell for it. Friday morning 227. Sunday morning 226. I'd never seen a more beautiful number. The whole day I walked with an extra umph in my step. I let the deep fried BBQ chicken wings be made around me with out wanting "just one". I was calm and sure of myself.

Until Monday morning.

Monday morning I shouldn't have gotten on the scale. I know that, but well... I was there and it was there and it kinda just happened. So ya know what The Lying Scale tells me? 227. I'm shocked. I'm befuddled. I think - this can't be right. I did everything right yesterday. I step away for a moment. I think maybe it's toying with me. I decide to give it one more try.

228.

WHAT???? I'm overwhelmed by a sense of betrayal. It's LYING! I KNOW it's lying! I feel it lying to me - staring snarkily from the floor. But it hurts too much to look back. I know that i need to move on with my day. So, the rest of the morning goes as planned. Little shower. Little morning news/funny weather man time. No surprises. But as I'm going back in to get dressed, I see it staring at me from around the corner. It's trying to stare me down. Well, I'm not one to be intimidated by The Lying Scale - at least not without a fight. I approach. I mount.

226.

ACK!!!!! Which is right? Which is wrong? My hair is still a bit wet so how can I weigh less? I haven't used the restroom again or even blown my nose! How is that possible????!!!!????!!!

The Lying Scale - 1, Kristin - 0

Well played, my friend... well played.

And the light went on

2007-10-04T15:32:00.001-07:00

I had a radical thought the other day when it came to weight loss. Maybe not radical for some, but it was like a light went off for me.

This isn't how I have to be forever.

Ok, that may not seem like much, but it was how it all began. So I've been eating healthy, tried to do more physical things including going to the gym. And for a few minutes it all felt so futile. There was this feeling that it was never going to end. Salad. Chicken. Fish. Reading labels. But then it hit me. I don't have to do this forever. Now, I don't mean being overweight as ya might think. It was all about the realization that YES, this sucks. And NO it is not fun. BUT - Dieting doesn't last forever.

Sure, we want to be healthy, we want to maintain. But it's a whole different thing to maintain where you are than to try to make your body work in reverse - burning up more than you're giving it each day. Maintaining means I need to maintain a level of good food and activity - but if I feel like not going to the gym for a month, it won't kill me. And if I feel like some chocolate pudding now and then, cool. As long as all these things are done understanding their potential for cumulative damage - thus done carefully, then no biggie. Somehow that's completely changed my attitude. Yes, eating this good all the time is no fun. But it won't last forever.

One of the hardest things for me so far have been times where I pretty much HAD to eat badly. Pizza place w/ 3 friends all wanting to share one? Fine, I had pizza. 15 minutes to get to church meeting after work - ok, I'll get drive though, but it will be the healthiest (least good tasting) thing on their menu. And I know at some point in the next few weeks because a friend is in town, we'll be hitting Lo Lo's Chicken and Waffles. Oh my, I love that place. The old me would have loved these opportunities to cheat. It would have been fun to have that excuse. The new me is just realizing that for every bad choice I make, there will be 2-3 more good choices I'll have to make to make up for it. Thus - I'll have to be doing this longer. And I don't want to be doing this forever. But - I'm willing to do what I need to do for now.

And I think, for now, I've decided to trust The Lying Scale. Because as of yesterday morning it was 228. It is all going to fall off next week? Dear heavens no. But I'm working on it. And this weekend, because part of me doesn't trust The Lying Scale, I think I'm going to do some measurements. Those suck. Because I remember what they used to be long, long ago. They won't be that good again, I understand that - but I'm going to get a hell of a lot closer than I am today!

That's right, Mama wants to buy American!

2007-10-01T19:30:00.000-07:00

And I'm not talking about American Cheese either! (That's just my diet talking...)

I can't remember the last time I was this excited about an American Car. Well, unfortunately I can. I was really excited about the Dodge Neon, I bought one the first year it came out when no other car looked quite like it. Back when it was in the same price range as a Honda Civic but I really really really wanted to buy American so I got the Neon. While I loved the heck out of that thing, I didn't like that the price dropped 10K the next year, the nicer options were dropped and my nice car became the cheapo rental car. Ok, so obviously I still have a little grudge. I've learned the lesson to never buy a product it's first year out. And I've gotten a bit of a chip towards the American Car market.

But ALL of that could come to a crashing halt if GM actually brings their Volt to the market in the next few years!!! I may have to dump the change from my "Pennies for Prius" jar into a "Mama wants a Volt" jar.

Speaking it's praises for just a moment. This is NOT just an electric car, but it's not a hybrid either. It's better than both worlds. The engine completely runs via the electric motor AND the electric motor is powered by either electricity, gas, E85 or biodiesel. How cool is that? At first you may say, but isn't that a hybrid? But no. Ya see, from it's initial charge it can go 40 miles without needing to use any other source to draw in energy. So, say you live 15 miles from work so you have a 30 mile commute each day. And maybe you pick up the kids and grab some groceries on the way home. How much gas did you use? None. Yea, that's right, mister. None.

Plug it in when you get home and by the time the baby sitter gets there that night you and your special someone can make it a night on the town in the same car. Say you go 50 miles that night painting the town red? You've used a couple ounces of liquid energy to go a total of 90 miles that day. How much gas would that be even in a Prius? Now you see the genius of my baby the Volt.

Well, I know it's not coming out any time soon. And I know when it does the fact that it's sporty and can go 100 miles an hour will mean that it will be WAY above my price range but still... If they can make this technology work - how long before it's picked up to use in other cars? How a bout in a minivan - even if the "free" miles drop down to 20-30 because of the extra weight? That could work when taking the kids to school 3 blocks away and the soccer game down the street.

Yes GM. You got me. My ears are perked. I can't wait to see more. BUT - if you don't come to market with this puppy, I don't know if my faithful Buy American spirit will ever be the same again.

Ok, it will. But please, PLEASE bring this baby to market. Mama wants a Volt.

Overcoming IHOP

2007-09-29T21:35:00.000-07:00

This morning, The Girlfriend and Aunt P. wanted IHOP. Dang them. Luckily I had just given The Girlfriend the big "dang it we are GOING to be healthy" speech last night and she'd agreed to it all. So, I was able to talk them out of it - until we found there was no milk for cereal. Dang it. So I dragged myself down to the neighborhood store.

I got their lousy 2% and made myself feel special with some organic skim milk.

Her 2% went over Pops. My organic skim went over low calorie and high fiber organic granola with raisins.

She filled up a serving bowl. I measured out exactly one cup into a small bowl.

Well, she may not eat quite as healthy as I'm going to try to do, but it can't stop me. And besides, her job is more physical so she's burning way more calories than my tiny cubicle will allow me to burn.

I've been so freaking healthy today. I'm eating grapes right now when I really wanted the chocolate chunk cookies sitting on the counter. 1 day down. 7-8 years or so to go...

Baby Steps?

2007-09-28T09:28:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday I went to the gym. The Girlfriend went too, but I was the one who packed my gym bag the night before, told her I was doing it and then even reminded her the next day. Is this a small step? Heck yea. But one I'm proud of. I knew I wouldn't be able to go the next day as I had a church meeting, but it was nice to go. As for tonight - not sure we'll hit the gym - but what I'd like to do is to go/do something active. Walk around the pond at the local park. Go dancing. Bringing some active into lifestyle - not just at the gym. And this weekend my activity goal is to buy a pump for our bike tires. I don't think I'll be able to afford to get a new bike any time soon, but I'm going to make a try at riding the one I have.

All that sounds good, right? Now here's the weird part.

Wednesday morning I hit the scale for some reason. Again, it said 230. Again, I thought it was lying. I move about my day... la la la...feeling good, doing good. Thursday morning for some reason I hit the scale again - pretty rare for me to do it 2 days in a row. 229. Whaaaaaa??? Ok, I didn't believe it at 230, so why is it that part of me wants to believe the 229 hype? I haven't seen a 20-something in awhile so while it's still ridiculously huge, it's a gigantic step IF it's true.

Since yesterday involved no gym and a few bad meals, I didn't try the scale again. I'm going to try to have a good weekend and see how it all looks. If I'm still in the 20's I could be a very happy girl. If not - death to the scale. Ok, not really. But I'll be thinking about it.

If you can't say something nice...

2007-09-25T22:22:00.001-07:00

You know that saying, right? If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all? I think all that good upbringing has had a serious impact on my blogging. I just don't have anything nice to say.

Healthy Home? Not quite. We still haven't replaced all the light bulbs - even though the new good ones were purchased months ago. We keep saying we should. But we don't. Oh yea, and all those awesome Method products I bought have been replaced by Windex, 409 and whatever else is available at the dollar store. Cheaper yes, but I'm willing to pay more for security.

Healthy Body? Haven't been to the gym in about 2 months. I've totally gone back to fast food - though only for breakfast regularly. Last week I had terrific back pain that came in spasms and lasted for about 5 days. I still have no health insurance so it was just me, ibuprofen and a vibrating back massager to try to make it go away.

Healthier environment? The carrot was pulled away immediately after it was given. Now it's a "Maybe 1 day a week or so - but only on permission" kind of a thing. So far I've gotten that permission once. I think that was when I stopped having anything nice to say.

So where am I now? Kinda pissed. Kinda lost. I decided I needed to start with little things.

First thing I did was sign up for cake decorating classes. I know, I know - not healthy. But it makes me happy. And I can use a little happy. It's also 4 weeks of Saturdays where we have to get out of the house by 9am. I'm hoping that can help out on some weekend time management.

I AM going back to the gym. We've been focusing on the house too much for my tastes. Yes, it's nice and clean now, but I have to make me the priority again. I'm going to put the gym bag in the car tomorrow.

I need to buy some skim milk for work and keep cereal and a bowl there. I have just gotten so sick of the oatmeal I could hardly eat it - I need something new for awhile.

What else? No idea. Making this up as I go along. So, I'm sorry I didn't have too many nice things to say, but I promise I'm working to change it.

The carrot is mine!

2007-09-07T10:56:00.000-07:00

Well, sort of.

Today is my first day of working at home. While I know that I'm expected to use today to "get some of the bugs out" I have to say I'm shocked how many bugs there are. Email auto forwarding. VOIP Phone disconnecting and reconnecting every 20 minutes. I have hope. We'll see how it all works. Hopefully the carrot won't be yanked away due to technical issues. Oh well, it's only been 11 months...

That said, the last week has been a bit of a paper whirlwind. I decided to take advantage of working from home to re-do my office. New desk. New organizer thingies. And a going through ALL the paperwork I have ever had in the office. Wow. I must have filled a standard kitchen sized trash container (which we use for recycle stuff) at least 3 times - most likely 4. Biggest offenders were junk mail (which I've officially opted out on) and envelopes. Before I kept the whole thing - now I'm keeping just the "meat" of the issue. Certainly helped to save space. But MAN was that recycle container full!

So, just because I'm keeping mental track...
Working from home - check.
Reducing my waste/recycling what I have - check.

Not a bad week all in all. The plan is to start hitting the gym next week. If we can do that I'll feel totally back on track!

Continuing adventures of: The saving gas carrot

2007-08-28T14:42:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I get word that while I'll be getting the equipment to be ABLE to work from home this week, I won't be SET UP to work from home this week. New ETA on that? Not sure but soon he promises. Soon.

Well played Mr. Carrot.... Well played.

Apparently Phx has some of the cheapest gas in the country right now, which both surprises me and makes me sad for the rest of them. But to me, it's not just the $ I'll save in gas. It's the combo of $ saved in Gas, Starbucks, Fast Food, lunches, and other "stop on the way home" spots in combination with the Health benefits of not wasting the gas, not being overly tempted by the bad food on the way in to work, not thinking I'll just grab dinner on the way home because I'm tired, not spending more $ on food when I have a fridge full of the stuff at home. This is why this carrot is so particularly large for me. It really touches on all I want to do to be living more healthy on a daily basis.

Now - will I actually be given the equipment... Hmmm... stay tuned...

Dangling ideas

2007-08-27T16:40:00.000-07:00

They made a fuel cell car go over 200 mph. I should be excited I know. Part of me is happy. But most likely when one of these suckers does come on the market I won't be able to afford it anyhow, much like the current Prius of my dreams. And then it's just dangling out there.

Speaking of dangling...

I was told I'll get all the stuff for working from home this Thursday and I'll set it all up at home on Friday. Again, I see the string attached to this carrot so I'm not holding my breath - but MAN I sure am looking forward to it!

And just to tie up any loose ends - the scale lied. I must have had a sleepy hand on the counter or something. In good news, I've been having some good chats with The Girlfriend and I think I have her convinced to start being healthy in our "home eating" shortly. Fingers crossed...

Too fat for advice?

2007-08-23T12:02:00.000-07:00

After looking at several different web resources, trying to look at options for "diets" and general health plans, I stumbled upon an article that mentioned the United States Department of Agriculture had changed the whole Food Pyramid thing into something that could be personalized for you. It's called MyPyramid. So, I go there. Here's what it says

"MyPyramid Plan offers you a personal eating plan with the foods and amounts that are right for you. Click on the MyPyramid Plan box to get started." (color emphasis mine)

Figure I'd give it a shot.

So I enter all my information even the optional stuff -

Age
Sex
Weight (Optional)
Height (Optional)
Physical activity level (3 options under 30, 30-60 or over 60 min a day)

And this is what I get back. (Click to be able to read clearly)

We're sorry. We can't tell you what you should be eating. Because you are too fat. And then the greatest insult - Would you like to see what a NORMAL person of your age, sex and height should be eating???

Seriously - I want to hurt someone. Some naturally skinny person who wrote this because they don't think fat folks would care about their health enough to know what they should be eating.

GRRRRR!

I think I have a new level of hatred for Mr Food Pyramid.

The impossible 2

2007-08-22T11:40:00.001-07:00

How much blog-space has been filled by girls chatting about that special visit from Aunt Flo? Too much I'm sure. That said....

So today I was feeling a bit like a pain filled balloon about to burst when one of those negative thoughts passed my brain. "Wonder how much fatter you are now with all this 'stuff' in here?" And since I was, conveniently, walking past the scale, I gave in. How much fatter would I be?

230???? Is it broken??? How could I weigh 2 pounds less right now than I did a few weeks ago? I've been eating fast food. I know I haven't been drinking enough water. I haven't gone to the gym. The night before for dinner I had a Quesadilla - and then a small bowl of ice cream for dessert. How did I lose 2lbs. ???

Well, I knew that I needed to get things back in line. I've already been starting to get things "in order" at my house via organizing kitchen cabinets and such. This always happens before I start eating well. Healthy nesting instinct. I think I should take this as motivation. If I can somehow magically lose 2lbs when practicing bad habits, maybe some of their friends will go join them when I start back on some of the good habits? It's a nice idea. Guess we'll have to wait and see.

Tea for two... or three reasons

2007-08-17T14:27:00.000-07:00

I love drinks. All kinds. Generally I lean more toward the non-alchoholic type. Tea, soda, chocolate milk, punch, juice, coffee, fizz, milkshakes (they kinda count, right?) - if you can put in a straw, I'm a happy girl. I especially enjoy those things that cross genres. Tea w/ fruit juice. Fruity italian sodas. Chai Latte (Milk + Tea).

While I enjoy these things, I was realizing that I was buying quite a few of these single serving items in glass containers. Not tons of course, but at least several each month. I started doing my mental eco-math and realized that something needed to stop or at least slow down.

I pulled out my often "just used for parties" iced tea maker. I love this so much, I'm shocked I don't use it more. I'm starting to play with different combinations of tea - something that (shockingly) I'd never really thought about doing before. My current fav combo is 1 family sized Luzianne Tea bag and 1 mint tea bag. Yummy minty tea!!! Perfect for summer and I'm never even encouraged to pull out the sweetener. Mind you - I LOVE good sweet tea. But I'm hoping that not only can I save a few bottles by making it en masse, but I'll also save a few calories.

Less waste. Less calories. Less money. Totally healthy.

When time flies, healthy flies

2007-08-13T14:32:00.000-07:00

Time is flying recently! Positively flying!

Big parties and planning and folks coming in from out of town and food and cooking and baking and going out to eat/drink/socialize day after day after day. Not that I'm really complaining but OH my goodness time sure does go quickly when you're busy.

Unfortunately, this has brought with it convenience food - as we're always on the go, or the kind of special "bad" foods that are only made when folks are in town or for special parties. And of course there has been no time to go to the gym, yet that $50 leaves my check account month after month. And then many of the friends/family don't understand how we recycle so it's a matter of trying to casually pick out those cans and bottles out of the trash, dump and rinse them and put them into the recycle - without being called "The Recycle Nazi" too many times through the night.

So while absolutely wonderful, the last month hasn't exactly been "healthy". That said, my number on the scale has not changed. So apparently I haven't gone too overboard. That said, I've been saying how important it is that we make some clear changes shortly. The Girlfriend wants those changes in organizing the house. I'd have a messy house if it meant I was spending more time cooking healthy foods and going to the gym - but I know we need to find a happy medium between the two to keep a happy and "healthy" house.

Micro-eco steps

2007-08-07T17:51:00.000-07:00

Lately I'm obsessing over little things.

Example One: Which is better - a small paper towel, a paper plate, or wasting water to wash a dish when in a drought. Answer - I go dish, unless I'm feeling unbelievably lazy - which happens. Then paper towel.

Example Two: Is it ecologically better to drive to the music store to purchase a new CD or to download the album - when I know I'll end up burning it to a CD anyhow. I mean, the energy to Internet search and burn + disc (and possibly trashed disc if first one doesn't work perfectly as happens sometimes) + Jewel case I'll end up using + paper I'll end up writing names of songs on or using the gas to buy something that already exists? Answer. I buy the cd. From a local independently owned music store like Stinkweeds. I feel like that somehow balances things. Though considering the nearest one to me is 20 min away, I'm not sure it's quite an even trade.

Example Three: I start debating about which way to drive to work in the morning. Fairly straight path on regular surface roads (lots of lights) that gets me here in about 25-30 min, 45MPH with exception of 4 school zones that take it to 15. OR do I take the freeway which is actually a farther in miles driven, takes 20-25 min on a good day, 30-35 on a bad day - but is almost completely non-stop so I'm theoretically using less gas. But then you have to factor in that you use more gas going faster. Answer - I take the streets. But I wrestle with this one often. [And yes - I know it would be better to take the bus, and I would LOVE to do it, but that just doesn't work well in my city. Not would I have to walk more than a mile each way to and from the stops, but also it would take an hour an a half of just driving time. So, that plus 20 min of walking on each side would make for an approximate 2 hour and 15 minute commute. And no one wants to be walking 40 minutes in Phoenix heat before walking into a professional office. Just doesn't work.]

Yes - these are helplessly small things. But if I put a nickel a day in a piggy bank from the time I was 5 until now it would be almost $550. Is that huge? No. But it adds up. And it wouldn't have hurt much to give it either. Just like these little things I do, or try to do. They may be small decisions, but if each one of those were an ecological "nickel", and I found 10 of those tiny things to do, then 25 years from now I will have added almost $2300 to the ecological economy. Not too bad.... not bad at all.

Besides, wouldn't you rather be paying INTO it, than to get that as a bill in a few years?

Product or packaging?

2007-08-06T11:19:00.000-07:00

Petco offers bulk kitty litter. It's your standard clumpable clay based litter. And so - I realized I was in a bit of an ecological quandary. Continue to buy the wheat based litter that is better for the environment - but requires a new box every month OR buy the litter that isn't so good for the environment - but requires absolutely no waste of packaging.

This is kind of a tough one.

I think I'm going to stick with the wheat for now. We're still in that slow transition period with the kitty. I have quite the picky kitty and these things take time. We're not quite at a 50/50 mix - but like 35% wheat/65% clay. But if she decides wheat isn't good enough for her waste - I at least feel better knowing that a low waste (no packaging) option is available.

Praying for rain

2007-07-30T16:06:00.000-07:00

As I type this it is pouring outside. While a rarity in Phoenix - this is our Monsoon season so it's not quite so strange. But it brought me back to a conversation I had this weekend.

While driving from Phx to Las Vegas we drove over the Hoover Dam. Comments were made by several about the colors of the rock. We commented as to how much the water had gone down vs the prior water level. There were a few comments that it was due to our recent drought. A comment was then made by an elderly woman (girlfriend's grandma) that all we needed to do to change that was to pray for rain. Someone said that folks pray for rain all the time. The woman said that apparently they weren't all praying hard enough because if we all really prayed about it the Lord would deliver it.

My immediate response was that it also says in the bible that we are to be good stewards of the land, plants and animals and that if we were doing a good job there, we wouldn't have an issue of global warming and thus we wouldn't have an issue of this level of drought. She agreed with me. Said that sounded about right to her. I was shocked. See, this is a woman with very strong beliefs. Getting her to say that someone else was right after she'd made her own opinion is no small achievement. Not like I was going for a gold start or anything - but it kinda felt like I'd gotten one.

This brings up two points to me.

First - I'm tired of someone thinking if they pray for something they will get it. One of my favorite Sunday school lessons in 5th grade (Shout out to Mrs. Caradine if you are still around!) had to do with God answering a prayer. She explained that God always answers prayers - but it may not always be the answer you wanted. She said that in general there are 3 possible responses. Yes. No. Or, Not right now. That immediately struck me. All those folks who complained that God wasn't listening - when really they just didn't like his answer. It totally clicked to me. Talk about a healthy way of looking at the world. Well, at least it works for me.

Second - Why aren't more churches saying the same thing? I know it's a new trend that some churches are jumping on the environmental band wagon, but I remember making the logical jump back when I first heard of Earth Day in High School. Now days, with Global Warming being discussed in commercials, tv shows, and part of many dinner conversations - why isn't the church united behind that? Let me tell ya - they might get a bunch more miles than gay marriage. It's certainly relatable. In fact, I'd say it's one of the most important "laws" out there. It might not be in the top 10 list or anything (not that we bother to pay attention to many of those now days) but it was one of the first things Adam and Eve were told to do. Believe he really told it to them. Believe it was a symbol of the beginning of the world. Whatever. Either way - that was their whole job. Do you really think our jobs have changed?

I don't. Let's keep it clean. It's what the big guy wanted.

Contemplating small steps

2007-07-23T16:50:00.000-07:00

I've been really awful in my "healthy body" habits for the last few weeks. Not to the point I've forgotten what my goals are, but easily to the point that I'd go 2-3 days without a really healthy meal. But here's the thing. I weighed myself this morning. No change. Mind you - I'm happy to see it, but it was a bit of a surprise.

What if 2 meals a day were healthier? And then I added in some activity 3-4 times a week? If eating bad and watching TV have had no change in weight, what would just a small amount of change consistently bring? Isn't that my ecological goal too? Consistent small steps forward?

So today I went into a bike shop. I looked at the pretty bikes and the sporty bikes. I dreamed of filling baskets with picnic goodies. Of the wind whipping through my hair. I dreamed of being healthy enough to able to ride it fast enough for long enough the wind would actually whip through my hair... I have a cheap bike that I stopped riding because it wasn't comfortable. Would I ride one if it was actually comfortable? Am I willing to pay $300-400 to find out? I'm seriously thinking about it. Or maybe, in the spirit of small steps, I should start with filling the tires of my current bike. It's a thought.

Healthy Kitty, Healthy world

2007-07-20T14:54:00.000-07:00

That part of my brain that justifies bad decisions has just come up with a good "reason" why eating fast food isn't such a bad thing. Ready for this? Paper bags.

Funny huh? I know, I know - why would a recycler like myself like getting paper bags. I can answer that it 2 words - Kitty Poop. Yes, Kitty Poop.

You see, I recently learned about how general scoopable cat litter was bad. Bad, bad bad actually. Where to begin.
- Most have dust containing an agent that causes cancer. And when that dust on our kitties feet gets put on our sofas, pillows and hands guess who breathes it all in? The one who bought the kitty liter and all their friends and family. Nice.
- The clay that makes it "clump" was strip-mined from the ground. Yes I said strip-mined. To the tune of 2 million tons a year. Have your attention yet?
- Once the clay has been processed - it's not bio degradable. Can't be flushed. So tons and tons of kitty poop are sitting in landfills.
- Most folks use plastic bags (as they are in such abundance) to throw away their kitty poop.

So, we've got stinky cancer causing chemicals in a non-bio degradable format in a non-bio degradable bag. Oh how non-green it is!!!

I'm currently working to transfer my lovely and picky kitty over to Swheat Scoop Wheat Litter. Thought about doing the pine, but I know our kitty would hate the smell. Swheat scoop is bio degradable. But how to dispose of it..... Supposedly if you're willing to wait 20 minutes for it to dissolve a bit first, you can flush it down the toilet. Not a horrible idea, but I'm not willing to waste 12-15 gallons of water per Kitty cleaning flush every day when my city is in a drought. We often put the poop in plastic bags still around the house. (Who thinks shoe shopping = plastic bags? One day I'll learn...) But of course then it's not bio-degradable.

And now we are full circle. Fast food bags. Small. Free (with purchase). Completely bio-degradable. If my whole household goes even 3 times a week (that would be once a week for each of us) we'd have enough bags. And while I'd like to dramatically reduce my numbers there, I think there are other folks in the house who would more than make up for me. So, thanks to McDonald's, Wendy's, Taco Bell, Popeye's, Jack in the Box, Sonic, Burger King and many others not listed here - I'll be able to dramatically reduce our Kitty Poop ecological footprint. I'm not sure our Kitty cares, but I'm quite excited.

Time for a gameplan

2007-07-19T14:15:00.000-07:00

I am in search of a plan.

I think the theory of do "better generally speaking" just isn't working for me. I want it to but I just can't commit to myself the way I should. Someone else - sure. Me? Heck no. I've gotten a bit better but we still haven't made it to the gym. I really thought we would the other night but then I got this bizarre pinched nerve from by wrist, up my arm and down my back. Not pretty at all. Couldn't deal with that and be on the treadmill. Sounds like an excuse - but it was really awful. Mind you - I most likely only have these bizarre pains because I'm too fat in the first place. Ok - that was a true but negative thought. I need to make myself think more positively. Funny (not funny "ha ha") how hard that can be!!!

So, I think I need to pick a "diet" to follow. Notice those quotes? Yea -it's like a bad word. Right now I'm leaning towards weight watchers because it seems like more of a healthy lifestyle change than some of the others. I have done Atkins in the past but could never stay on it longer than a few months. A friend of mine is doing South Beach which has some of the good aspects I liked about Atkins but you can have SO many more veggies which I think would be great. (Man I miss eating good veggies!) Then there is one out there about reprogramming your body that looks interesting (can't think of the name now) and one that I've only heard about but don't know the official name. I do know that when I read about the science behind that one, my interest was piqued. Something about the density of foods? Water content? I'll update when I learn more if it looks interesting. Heck, they all look interesting. Great marketing. But to find one that I think will both work for me AND will be one Kandy would be able to support (even if she wasn't 100% faithful) is going to require a bit more research.

Series of unhealthy events

2007-07-13T08:06:00.001-07:00

The last few weeks have been anything but healthy. More like a series of misfortunate events.

- While our July 4th party was a blast, I was really saddened at all the plates/forks/napkins in the trash. Worse yet, my house has decided to not give them up. I pull out real plates and forks but they tell me to put them away because we're using plastic forks and paper plates. For almost every meal. I've lost control of my waste.

- We haven't been to the gym in at least 2 weeks. If I'm being honest, I think we might have gone once or twice in the last 8 weeks. We keep talking about how important it is. But then she's had a long day or I've had a long day or we have plans we can work around. I'd say we will get better but talk has done nothing before. I feel out of control.

- I've lost control of my food choices. Sure, I still buy the food, but as I'm more than ever the last person home I rarely have any input in their preparation. Last night was a great example. I had a great bag of frozen organic summer vegetables. Squash, Zucchini, green beans, red pepper, carrots. Well, by the time I got home and was told that dinner was ready, I found the package open but what was on my plate was anything but healthy. Soaked in butter and extra salt and over cooked to the point that by texture alone one could not tell if you were eating a piece of squash, a carrot, or a green bean - and all individual taste was lost. Unfortunately, this means the other two folks in my house were happy with how it all came out. How do you say to a respected elder family member "Thank you for making dinner, but please stop ruining the good food?"

- The negative out of control feelings have started to take over a bit. I know I need to trim my trees and spray down the weeds, but I just haven't been able to motivate myself. I start to feel so helpless about how things are going I decide that I might as well eat fast food. Yes, I've officially slid back.

I feel like I've lost control of my house. Worse yet the stress piles on and I start to feel less control at work. I still can't find someone to insure me, so I have no control over my health care. Feeling helpless and out of control are not the way to become more healthy. They are in fact just the opposite.

I need to find a way to re-charge the batteries. To somehow feel like I can start fresh. I'll be planning and plotting and I'll let you know what I come up with.

2007-07-07T00:11:00.001-07:00

3 cookies for breakfast. Pizza for lunch. Pete's Fish and Chips for dinner. Chocolate cake and Vanilla Ice cream for late night snack with friends.

I remember thinking I wanted to be healthy. Obviously that's all it was if I'm eating like this!

Crap.

I'm blaming the holiday. And the stress. But for now - the holiday.

[ Note to the Me that is reading this later on. Do you want to continue to get out of breath after just clapping for your favorite team? Don't you want to wear some of the other clothes in the closet? Focus!]

I'm still drinking my water but I can't think of the last time I was in the gym. Weeks?? I'd have to look back at my blog to remember when I last weighed myself. And while I've been averaging 1.5 good meals a day - the other ones have been bad enough to negate all the good stuff. So. Time to turn things around.

Really. I know it's hard. But I have to do it.

This sucks.

Healthy Patriotism

2007-07-05T16:39:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was, of course, the gigantic 4th of July food-fest at my house. Mmmm-mmm-mmm the patriotism was a-flowing while the burgers were a-grilling. I'm happy to report that there were actually quite a few political discussions going on in the house. Topic discussed included racism, political candidates, gay marriage, gays in the military, the movie Sicko, and the legal requirements to move out of the country. We even had some more healthy dinner choices. Sure, we had ribs, burgers and hot dogs, but the hot dogs were Hebrew National and some of the burgers were turkey! And of course we had the baked macaroni salad and the yummy corn casserole - but we ALSO had roasted vegetables, low-fat slaw, broccoli-slaw salad (Called Olympia salad though I have no idea why) and some other inventive veggie salad options such as wilted cucumber salad. We had a vegetarian friend over who brought his own veggie dogs, and with respect for him everyone was aware to ensure that most of the sides were veggie friendly (watching out for those hidden ingredients).

Yes, we had a little bit of everything. And not just the food. Our crowd represented White, Black, Hispanic, Bi-racial, Male, Female, American, Canadian, Gay, Bisexual, Straight, Single, Partnered, Divorced, Senior, Adult, Teen, Pre-Schooler, Vegetarian, South Beach Diet, Weight Watchers Diet, "See Food" Diet and many more combinations if we looked a bit deeper. But our commonalities were even greater. Friendship - and great food.

*** *** ***

And at the end of the party, as I was feeling the environmental guilt after taking out a full 30 gallon bag of trash from plates, cups and napkins, and emptying the recycle container - I noticed that there were a few folks attempting to pack up their empty dishes. This would never do. It was time to institute a new tradition. BYOT - Bring your own Tupperware. Or Plasticware. Everyone at our parties are encouraged to "take a plate" as there are far too many left overs. Most folks put this on a paper plate and cover it with foil. Our next invitation will encourage them to bring one or more small containers to take their "leftovers" home with them. I'm also tempted to tell them to all bring their own plate and forks too - but I think that might be pushing it.

I have decided that I need to look into investing in some cheap but durable re-usable plates. We do these big meals at least 4 times a year - so this could be a great investment, and a great way to reduce our annual trash output. It just might be time to sell that stock in Chinet....

Bagging my week

2007-07-03T09:20:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a hectic and awful week. It's been unhealthy in all the un-fun ways. Yesterday was the awful mess of a reminder of how bad the week had gotten. I bought a bunch of disposable cups when deep down I knew it was better for the world if I used real ones - but I just didn't have the energy to imagine washing them all. In rushing and exhaustion I got fast food burgers for dinner. I was sick about 20 minutes later and wondered why I had even bothered to eat it. Then I had to go to 2 different grocery stores and completely forgot my bags - so I have a bunch of plastic bags. And of course there was no time to go work out. Yes, yesterday was like the cherry on top of a crappy sundae.

Today I was determined to find good in the world. To get re-inspired. Re-focused on the good. Surprisingly, I found some of that inspiration at Amazon.

Amazon is the sole distributor of the World Food Programme Feed Bag. For $60 you get a reversible bag that is sized great for carrying books, groceries or anything else that your life requires you carry around. But $34 of that goes to feed a child for a year. Yes, that's right buy a bag - feed a child. And even better, it feeds the child through the schools - which encourages the kids to go to school and the parents to send them to school. In some schools it has increased participation 300%. Wow. Not only are these children less likely to die, but they will traditionally marry later and have less children than an uneducated adult - and they are going to encourage their kids to repeat the same process.

I may not be able to vouch for how green the process was that brought us the bag, and it may not be organic cotton - but this is absolutely healthy. Like a deep breath of fresh air. Saving bags by using this for groceries, saving kids from starvation, encouraging education, encouraging smart living.

I'll admit - I'm not buying this today. Finances are just a bit tight right now. But it is going on my Amazon wish list and I may be buying this for others as well come Christmas time. Check it out and decide if it inspires you to do the same.

My green isn't so green

2007-06-28T21:40:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. I live in Phoenix and I have grass in my backyard.

You may be disappointed in me. There is a part of me that shares your disappointment. Until I walk out on my thick lush grass, feeling each little blade on the bottom of my feet. Random bits bending between my toes. Ah... that is happiness.

Now, I water as rarely as possible. I have only a small part directly outside my door done in grass so I can enjoy it - but the rest is naturally xeroscaped and/or has pavers which allow water to go into the earth without requiring any additional water use. Really. I tried. But I couldn't escape the lure of the green lushness.

Today I walk outside and find that perhaps we've been under watering a bit as we've gone from having just one small yellow patch to having 4 large sized yellow patches. Not good. Yellow crunches below my feet - not squishes. And, once it's gone yellow it takes even more water and resources to bring it back. And I have no idea how to do that truly organically. I bought stuff at Home Depot that looked natural enough, but upon further review - most likely it's not the best choice.

So, tomorrow I'm going to start looking into organic options for my lawn. Heck, I might get wild and see if there is something I should be doing for the rest of these plants too besides just watering them. For now though - the focus is my green. Less than a week until July 4th and my green - isn't so green. I think it's trying to tell me something.

Sigh.... I'm listening.

Green computing

2007-06-27T09:37:00.001-07:00

Like many folks, I work in an office. In most of my jobs over the past many years, I've worked right along the IT (Information Technology - aka the computer geeks) group learning their struggles, interests and culture. I always fit in just enough to blend, but not so much I was completely taken as one of their own. But only in the last week did I hear about green IT.

In a recent article of PC Magazine it was discussed that currently 40% of an IT budget is spent on Energy. This is a shock! These folks are typically paid QUITE well and that equipment is not cheap, and needs constant attention/upgrades - so 40% is a big number. 70% of the companies said that power and cooling were their biggest issues. Again - a bigger issue than having to make these systems talk to each other? Or making the IT folks get along with sales? Now, as someone who is often freezing because they can never JUST cool the tech equipment, they always make the office freezing too - I kinda get it. And of course if you're making the whole office that cold, we're using a ton more energy than we should - and coincidentally paying more for it than is needed. They've estimated that by 2009 Energy costs will be the second highest cost for IT groups - behind only labor. And did I mention how much these folks often make?? That is huge.

Now, just to follow this one more step, the same research found that based on that these business will be looking to make some changes based on these rising costs. What happens when costs go up? Well, the end client pays more AND they start outsourcing. It's anticipated that by 2010 half of all data centers will either relocate or outsource their data center. And when they move, those great paying jobs that currently manage the data will go with it. So the question becomes, what can we do about it??

We have options. Companies can add solar panels to help offset their total energy output. Let's put solar ceiling tiles on all the buildings in Silicon Valley! Industry as a whole can invest in finding less expensive renewable energy sources. But while those are more long term solutions, apparently there is also green computing for today.

Green computing is new to me, but not to IT professionals. There are web sites talking all about it. It's been wikipedia'd. Turns out Google (my dream company) already has plans to be carbon neutral by the end of 2007. I'm shocked, elated, and feeling a bit behind the times.

Almost every company has an IT department. Almost every home has a computer. What aren't we doing? What should we be doing? What should we not do?

One final thing to peruse from the PC Mag source...

Each 1 megawatt datacenter requires:
- 17,000,000 kwh Electricity
- 60,000,000 gallons of water
- 145,000 Copper
- 21,000 lbs Lead
- 33,000 lbs Plastic
- 73,000 lbs Aluminum

Return of the carrot

2007-06-26T22:27:00.000-07:00

So today, on a day were I had to drive 30 miles so I could smile and nod at a few folks for about half an hour, only to turn around and drive right back - I'm given another "one day soon you'll work from home" carrot. Good timing.

But seriously, in today's world of video conferencing, web cams and easily shared picture and video via cell phone why are folks still driving across town for a meeting? Sure, sure, sometimes it's worth it. You created something they need to see live. You know you don't have a product that sells itself so you need the smile in the suit to sell it for you. But maybe it's just so you can expense your lunch? Business folks need to think about it. My time, is their time. I bet some folks would appreciate a shorter meeting. Maybe it will never work, but it sure would be nice.

So, today I was told that soon - as soon as next week, I'll be set up to work from home. Do I believe it? No. But - I'm hopeful that by the end of July I might see something happen. Just in time for me to pay more for energy to cool my house all day to stay home. Just when I thought this was a carrot, it turns out to be a fairly even split. Less gas, more electric energy. Casual clothing, but greater need for accountability. Yea, well - I'll take it. Bring it on. The heat won't last forever and I know I can do the job. Bring on the carrot. I'm ready.

Waterbottles, sunscreen and name tags

2007-06-25T15:42:00.000-07:00

Every day of camp those were the three things that said at least 20 times a morning to my campers before they were allowed to go out to breakfast. And shoes. Apparently my kids aren't used to leaving carpeting because no one wanted to wear shoes.

Meghan - You need to re-fill your water bottle. Emma - I see your name tag still on the bed! Alena - Where is your water bottle? Jaycee - Did you put the sunscreen on your face?

It was like a constant rotation. Every morning.

What does this have to do with being healthy? These kids were drinking water. Lots of water. They made it a habit. And they were learning to be healthy in applying sunscreen before even walking the trail out to breakfast. We talked about how important it was. We ended up in discussions about global warming.

The camp recycled their aluminum and plastic bottles. We talked about how it meant less trash in the world. And, since this was a church camp, we talked about how we were being better stewards of the earth by keeping it clean and making less waste. God wants the earth to be clean. And even though it totally wasn't pushed on them - the kids got it. They were all volunteering to recycle and I didn't see a single kid litter the whole time. Absolutely perfect. Isn't that what it's really all about?

Just like the rule you tell kids when playing with messy toys - this place needs to look as good when you leave as it did when you walked in, if not better. Same thing with the world. You may have enjoyed playing - but it's time to clean up.

Apparenly stress likes Burger King?

2007-06-15T16:10:00.000-07:00

Ya know how I said no more fast food? That died today. The culprit? Emotional eating.

Feeling stressed. Uber bad day. In a rush. Nothing going right. Running late. Feeling out of control. Everything is going wrong.

And then I'm hungry.

Sooooo... I drive through Burger King on the way back to work. It took care of lunch and did calm me down - but it kinda pissed me off that it worked. I feel like now that I'm realizing it's an emotional thing - I should be able to rise above it. Oh well. If Oprah, with her personal chefs, personal assistants and limitless funds, still eats out of emotion - I don't feel quite as bad. BUT - it doesn't solve the fact that I can't keep doing this. [Side note: While Oprah can't solve her own eating issues, she sure is talking about it! They are doing some thing called "Get with the program" (I'm sure this is yelled several times to the audience's loud applause.) that takes you through the many steps of "the program". There are many on emotional eating. This one - talking about stress induced emotional eating is my favorite. You want me to write it in my journal? Sure - one more thing to think about and stress about when I forget or get behind. I don't think so.]

Another bad thing about my day? Almost an hour spent driving basically without purpose for an hour (with escalating stress by the minute of course) in my non-gas friendly car.

Today was not green. Today was not healthy. Today was more Bust than Healthy.

--------in w/ the good air----out with the bad-------whooooooooooooooo............--------

Tomorrow I leave for camp. A church camp were I'll be a counselor for 5 little girls, aged 8-10. Days filled with fun and panic. Nights filled with quiet and exhaustion. As nervous as I may be in that I've never done this before, I am looking forward to it very much. Re-connecting with nature and children. Our world, our future. That is the best motivation ever to be green and live healthy.

Its time for a little recalibration of the old internal circuits.

I look forward to it.

Green Drinking - Trend sweeping the nation!

2007-06-14T17:03:00.000-07:00

I think we should call the practice of having a Designated Driver - "Green Drinking" because after all - it means you are going to carpool. And doesn't it sound more fun? Designated driver sounds so... clinical. Or something your mom would say. But if a group of friends said they were going to go out for a round of Green Drinking that sounds fun! Ideally, they drive the car with the best MPG that fits them all. Less gas, more fun, more laughing with your friends, less risk. Who doesn't love this?

You see, I'm generally the Designated Driver - like to call it the "Double D". I'm happy to be the DD at any time. But others aren't so fond of it. I wonder how much is the "not drinking" part and how much is that awful name.

Green Drinking is the trend of the future. I think I'll start using it tonight.

Bad, bad, less bad, and good

2007-06-13T15:19:00.000-07:00

Bad #1. A few days ago, at the end of a period I will refer to as my fast food binge against responsible eating, I went to Carl's Jr. I ate a $6 Burger Combo meal. It was darn tasty. The fries were surprisingly good. I didn't even bother with the diet drink. I was THAT bad. That said - I kind of which I'd discovered it before I was trying to be healthy because it was all quite tasty.

Bad #2. The day after the $6 burger, for some bizarre reason I decided to get on the scale. 234. My binge had not gone unnoticed by my hips. Crap. I so rarely get on the scale that I've never seen that clear cause/effect before. Knowing it would happen in the long term is a very different thing that seeing that eating crap for two weeks immediately gave me two extra "bonus" pounds. It was a reality check for me.

Less Bad. Actually kinda good. On the box of the Carl's Jr. Fries, I learned that they re-use their fry oil to fill the tanks of their fleet of vehicles. What? What?? I did some looking online and found out that this isn't a national thing - but something being done by the owner of 52 locations in AZ. I have to say, while this didn't make me feel less bad for eating the food, I felt a bit better in supporting the cause. One article mentioned that they aren't getting any govt kick back or assistance for that either. How great could it be to offer even a .001/cent per gallon tax rebate for any vehicle running on frier oil! Isn't there a fast food spot on almost every major corner? Even if companies just had their own vehicles running on it - that would be a big difference. Might make the town smell more like french fries - but I'm ok with that.

Good. For 2 days now it's been healthy food only. I haven't been to the gym in about 3 weeks I think?? I wonder why I'm even paying the $50/month for the two of us to go. But I am. Because I'm hopeful. And when I get back from camp (where I will be from this Saturday through next Wednesday) I definitely want to get back in the swing of things. But for now, focusing on what I can control, I am at least eating better again. No more falling off the wagon.